Lydia's Birth Story: Part One

Our sweet little Lydia Esther Bushman was born November 6. She has already been a tremendous blessing to our family. The story of her birth is a beautiful one, unique to her and our circumstances right now, but before I share it, I need to share the spiritual journey that lead me to be ready for Lydia to join our family.

Lately I've been thinking about how surreal time is, how eager it is to run away with you, and then you blink, and there's three precious souls counting on you to fill them with all the goodness they were born with the potential to contain. I know I'm a little late on the curve, but it's just now hitting me, the magnitude of all the responsibilities wrapped up in the single word mother. No longer is my obsession merely over proper feeding, sleeping, and safety. Instead, I'm filled with the understanding that what my children become is in large part a result of what I am seeking to be.

I think I've always been a seeker. I've always wanted to know everything, to find answers and wrap my head around anything that just didn't sit right.

It was this habit of seeking that helped me know there was a spirit waiting to join our family, and it was what gave me the courage to take the leap of faith to bring her here despite the fact that life was messy and we had no idea how it was all going to work out (more on this in another post). So, ready or not, Lydia was on her way.

I've gotten to the point where I love childbirth. However, like most of you, I didn't start out knowing that was possible. When Emma was born, something about the experience didn't sit right, though, and I knew there had to be more. As a result, I set about seeking for a more complete answer for me on how to make the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing become what I felt it should be, which is, in a word, sacred.

Now I know this is the part where I lose people. It's so culturally ingrained in us to believe in the other side of the coin - childbirth is discomfort, even agony, and terror. We've been taught this our whole lives. Ultimately, bearing children is supposed to be a burden, we're told. However, I can't help feeling that we've been cheated by our culture (it wouldn't be the first time, would it?).

I think of Eve, and the choice that she made to partake of the fruit, knowing full well that the road ahead wouldn't be easy but that it would certainly allow for far more joy than living in the garden had. Her choice wasn't met with punishment and scorn, but rather the promise of a Savior and the bestowal of a most precious title:

Mother.

In God's eyes, Eve, the first mother, is to be honored. So why was this feeling of honor so lacking in my own experience? Why did I feel like an incubator and then a food source rather than a daughter of Eve, carrying on the torch of her sacred calling?

I discovered a lot about childbirth that was very helpful in bringing me closer to the answer when I was pregnant with James. I learned about the importance of focusing on faith and joy rather than fear and pain. As a result, I had a really good experience with his birth and felt much more able to bond with him afterwards. For his birth story, click here.

However, all of that was just a part of the answer. Only recently did I discover an important piece that was missing, and I believe it's going to forever change how I mother.

Lydia's pregnancy was a modern day example of what happened with the people of Alma when they were in bondage to the Lamanites. It was difficult in the way pregnancies typically are for me, with the added stress of a big move on our plates, but at the same time I truly felt the burden being made light so that I was able to bear it. There were days when I felt really close to God, and I could hardly feel the burden on my back. However, when I drew away from Him, things got harder.

Recently, I reread the story of the people of Alma, and something stuck out to me that hadn't before. It was this sentence: And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God. Wow! I realized that my prayers had been more like immature whining rather than a mighty prayer given in faith. No wonder my prayers weren't having the desired results.

Finally, after months of waffling back and forth between having faith and then doubting, I became willing to ask the questions that were standing in the way of my growth. I needed to face my fears, and the things I was unsure of, and find faith, peace, and answers.

It was during this process that I got my big aha. I believe I was on my knees, trying to imagine myself actually kneeling before God and speaking to Him. This makes my prayers a lot more effective, and during this prayer I felt a soft reproval. I suddenly saw myself from another perspective - His perspective - and I knew that I was carrying way more than my fair share of the burden of motherhood. I was attempting to fulfill the divine calling without any divine aid. No wonder it had begun to seem so difficult! In addition to that, I hadn't fully accepted the sacred nature of what I was doing - I'd allowed the words of those in the great and spacious building to sap some of the joy out of the calling for me.

It was there, on my knees and with tears in my eyes, that I saw myself for the first time as being like Eve, a woman worth honoring. And it wasn't because of anything special about me, but rather because all women are treasured for their inherent gift of being mothers, whether or not they have any children of their own.

I knew then that if I wanted to do this mothering thing right, I needed to start allowing God to work with me, strengthening me and providing me with knowledge of my children's unique needs. Only with His help could I truly find the joy that I had been missing out on.

Another answer that came during my seeking was this scripture in Hebrews 12.

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

This scripture is amazing and full of so much more than what I'll go into here. I'll just focus on two of it's essential principles. The first is that when we are armed with a strong faith in our Savior, and when we focus on joy, we are able to endure hard things, just as Christ was able to endure the cross. I used this principle to help me face childbirth with excitement rather than dread.

The second principle is that, if we want to be able to accomplish hard things, we have to stop caring what other people think. This is what it means when it says that Christ despised "the shame there of." He wasn't looking at the great and spacious building when he began walking toward Gethsemane. No, he was focused on Heaven and on His love for us.

For me, this means setting aside the temptation to spend all my efforts fighting for a Pinterest perfect life (and children) and instead focus on the eternal. These crazy kids might not yet seem like the priceless, eternal kings and queens they are destined to become, but if I don't hold the image of their potential in my mind, who will? Who will remind them on their off days or even off years that there's so much more to them than what they are currently capable of right now? Who will shine the light of hope on their path forward if all I see is the back-talking and the giant mess they made again? Who will give them the courage to make positive changes if all I do is remind them of what they've done wrong?

Man this is hard. SO SO HARD. But it's the truth. Motherhood isn't going to be one long day at the spa no matter what we do, but the joy we've been promised IS there. It is already there, just waiting for us to reach for it, to acknowledge it and let it in. But we have to change our perspective for that to happen. We have to open the door and welcome it in before we can have the privilege of basking in it. And it comes not in waves but in small moments, quietly passing by if we don't take the time to recognize it and soak it in.

I am so so bad at this, but I am extremely grateful to have been given the guidance to know what I need to change. 

Another great lesson from the story of the people of Alma. Christ says: And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

So this is my witness. Christ does visit His people in their afflictions, but we have to seek Him, and not just timidly, but mightily. I also know that this calling of motherhood is sacred and beautiful, but we have to believe that, truly, not only deep in our hearts but also at the forefront of our minds on a daily basis, if we want to claim the joy that is already ours, just waiting for us.

Now when I feel myself slipping back into my old ways of dredging up just enough strength to get through another exhausting day of motherhood, I can remind myself of what I've learned. I have dozens of mantras, snippets of truth I use to right myself when I'm starting to stray, and this one might be my favorite: I am mother. Because out of the many ways I could label myself, this is the title that not only means the most, but also carries with it power and wisdom from heaven. I picture the woman with an issue of blood reaching for Christ's robe, believing that just that tiny bit of contact could heal her, only I'm not required only to reach for Christ once, but constantly, relying on His power to make me the mother He intended me to be.

So, with this new perspective, I waited as patiently as possible for Lydia to be born. Look for the rest of the story in Part 2.

All my love,

Kamie 

Helps for Perfectionists: We're All Still Learning

Well, we've got another move under our belt (our fifth in six years of marriage), a home to call ours, an official kindergartner, a little man learning to use the potty, and a baby 38 out of 40 weeks baked. Needless to say, we've been a little busy! In all this busyness, though, I've been able to catch a glimpse of just how far I've come on this journey of overcoming perfectionism. I have my moments where those old instincts start to take over again (especially when I'm feeling afraid or vulnerable), but at the very least I'm able to recognize when this is happening now rather than becoming stuck in a rut I don't know how to get out of. 

For example, owning our first house has been an incredible blessing and adventure, but it's also been the perfect storm for a perfectionist. Let's face it, it takes time and money to get things situated how you want them in a new home, both of which are limited resources. We decided to paint the whole inside of the house, and of course there were several colors that didn't turn out like I wanted. Ugh! But this is a blessing in disguise, because now I have the chance to look at those imperfect walls everyday and gradually desensitize myself to the imperfection. In other words, I'm forcing myself to accept that things will not always be exactly the way I want, and that it's okay. I can live with it. I can even learn to appreciate it and see it as beautiful.

Not getting sucked up in making my home "perfect" has been a constant challenge, and unfortunately there have been times when I've failed (did I seriously lose sleep over which bar stools to order?), but again this was a valuable lesson. I've been able to see the difference in my life between the times when I'm focused too much on the house and the times when I'm more focused on my Savior. It's like night and day. I am so much happier and feel the Spirit so much more in my life when I can step away from obsessing over perfection and focus on what matters most.

Best pals visiting during the eclipse

Motto #11 is we're all still learning.

I'll never forget an experience I had when we first moved here. I knew no one, we we're living out of suitcases and traveling each week to California for Nate's training, and James was going through the typical "I'm two so I'm going to hit you" phase. I had a couple of hours to kill before Nate would be back so I took the kids to the park. Of course, James hit one of the others kids there, and I prepared myself for the typical scorn mothers of accosted children give. Instead, the mom simply turned to her child and calmly explained, "It's okay. He's still learning."

I wanted to cry. This mom, a total stranger, showed James and I an example of Christlike mercy, but she also taught me an important life lesson. 

We are all still learning. 

That's why we're here. Not to prove to ourselves, others, or God that we are worthy (or that our house is good enough), but to learn how to be like Him and our Savior through everyday experiences and trials. All judgement, including the scorn that mom could've given us, is misplaced and futile. Perhaps someone we know hasn't yet learned a lesson that we feel they should know, but that doesn't matter, because they are still in their probationary state, preparing for the day when they will meet God, and so are we. 

This is where an important new perspective I've gained comes in. In the past few months I've felt strongly that my purpose in this life needs to be to LEARN and UPLIFT. All worthy goals relating to my family and the gospel can be pursued while seeking learning and opportunities to serve rather than perfect results and the opportunity to prove my worth. When I keep this perspective, I'm governed more by faith and love than by pride and perfectionism, and I grant myself the same mercy that the mom in the park offered: the chance to keep learning without judgement.

Today was testimony meeting, and I was pretty frustrated about being in church rather than being in the hospital holding my newborn baby. Still, I wanted to share my testimony, but I'd gotten in the habit of ignoring that feeling, and frankly, I wasn't feeling very brave. After all, I knew I would waddle the whole way up to the podium, and what if the unfathomable happened and my water broke while I was up there in front of the whole congregation!? 

I'd almost talked myself out of it, but then I got a prompting, the same one I've received repetitively since moving here. 

Kamie, it's not about you.

Wow, was I humbled. All of my worries were focused around myself and how others would view me, but that wasn't the picture Heavenly Father wanted me to see. He wanted me to see that I had felt prompted to bear my testimony because there was someone who, if I spoke the words given me by the Spirit, would be blessed by what I had to say. It truly wasn't about me at all.

This is a classic problem for most people, but especially perfectionists. We don't even realize it, but we spend so much of our mental energy calculating how we are perceived by others and what we therefore must do or not do in order to be judged the way we want to be judged. But there's a huge flaw in this: We aren't on this earth to judge or be judged by others! We're here to LEARN and to UPLIFT. 

When I feel myself getting sucked back into the perfectionist mindset, I remind myself of my life purpose and strive to make decisions that are in line with it. This changes everything for me. It takes me from being shy and socially anxious to being able to make friends and, I hope, uplift them. It takes me from being hard on myself and others to practicing compassion and forgiveness. It takes me from being terrified of doing something new to having the courage to try, etc.

Emma turned 5!

I know that when our focus is on Christ and on the lessons He's trying to teach us through the imperfections of life, we will be blessed with wisdom and knowledge that will not only bless our lives, but will allow us to inspire and strengthen others as well. And I know as we focus on the joy of learning and then uplifting, we will experience a new sense of freedom, leaving the shackles of needing things to be perfect laying broken at our feet.

All my love,

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Whatever's Real is Enough

Hello again! It's been awhile, but I'm ignoring the perfectionist voice in my mind telling me that I should quit writing just because I haven't been able to post in awhile. Wohoo!

 

So we're on tip #10: Whatever's Real Is Enough

First, I need to paint a clear picture of the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving. For some reason our culture has used these ideas interchangeably, but now that I've been through the turmoil of perfectionism, I can state equivocally that it is anything but healthy striving and goal setting. Why? The answer lies in this question: Where do I believe my worth comes from? 

If your answer is that your worth as a human being (and whether or not you should be loved or accepted by others) comes from your accomplishments or some other external measurable element (looks, number of friends, talents and abilities, money, etc) then you are at least in part a perfectionist (trust me on this). 

What's the alternative? you may ask. It is the belief that  your worth is both fixed (it cannot be altered by anything you or others do) and infinite (it cannot be measured by man nor is it greater or less than anyone else's worth). 

I now have a deep testimony that this second point of view is not only more healthy, but is also the truth! Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). Just like any eternal truth, we really have to believe this if we want to see the blessings of it in our lives. 

When we slip into the perfectionist state of mind, our worth becomes tied to our actions (you can see why this would lead to spikes in anxiety or hopelessness), and before we know it one little accomplishment is not enough to prove our worth. There is always more that can be expected of us (we see someone doing something desireable that we don't do and suddenly we feel as though we have to do it) and as a perfectionist it is difficult to set boundaries and say "enough is enough" or simply "that's great for them but I don't HAVE to have that in my life." 

Unfortunately, perfectionism is not satisfied with what is, and always needs something MORE in order to be "happy," but once we achieve that something more (nevermind the cost), it doesn't satisfy. We find that we are starving ourselves, chasing after things that will never really make us whole. 

Contrast that with this scripture found in 2 Nephi 9:51:

Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness. 

Are the things you're seeking after really going to satisfy you? I mean your soul, not your pride. Pride is easy to satisfy for a moment, but then it grows, and it gets hungrier, and before you know it you're sacrificing more and more of what you hold dear in order to feed your pride. 

I came across a definition of humility in Meg Meeker's The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers that has expanded my understanding greatly. I'll paraphrase it like this: Humility is having a correct understanding of your worth - not overvaluing OR undervaluing yourself. To me this means truly accepting that we are loved by God, and that we don't have to DO anything in order to earn this love. Being in a state of humility robs competition with others of it's seductive power. It will not ask for more and more, but will instead give you the strength you need in order to be who you really want to be - a true disciple of Christ - and your soul will be satisfied. 

 

Healthy striving starts with humility because when we are humble we are willing to ask God what He wants us to do and be, and then we can set goals and strive for those things, rather than for what we think will impress others (or what we think we HAVE to do in order to be "good enough"). Plus, we have His help along the way! Perfectionists will find that the road to perfection is lonely and fraught with frustration. Humble healthy strivers will have the spirit with them and Christ's enabling power to turn their weaknesses into strengths. Perfectionism is motivated by desperation and pride (because your very worth is on the line), where humble healthy striving is motivated by faith, hope, and a deep abiding joy that comes from knowing we are worthy of love and acceptance regardless of whether we succeed or fail. 

Okay, now that you see the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving, we can talk about one of the best antidotes of perfectionism - being REAL. 

Hitler is an extreme example of perfectionism, to be sure, but he is useful to use as an example here because the "ideal Nazi State" he campaigned for and murdered millions in order to achieve was nothing but smoke and mirrors. He was a master deceiver, controlling the newspapers and radios so that nothing negative could ever be leaked about what he was doing. Sadly, many were convinced that Hitler was good until it was far too late. This is the only way we can achieve "perfection" in this life - through trying to control others' perception of us. True perfection only comes through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and is a gift given after this life. 

Think about this smoke and mirrors issue. We wear clothing and make up. We cut our hair and style it. We live inside a house and drive inside cars. We hide behind our title at work, more often identifying by what it is that we "do" rather than by what we actually are. Even our body is only a shell, covering up the precious eternal part of us inside. All of this, though I understand it's purpose, is smoke and mirrors. It covers up what is most essentially US. We are not our clothes, hair, possessions, homes, careers, accomplishments, body, etc. We know this! Yet we allow ourselves to keep living the lie, to believe that our worth comes from these things when in fact, it does not. 

Why do we do this? Why do we get so tied down to things that will pass away and vanish and no longer mean a dang thing in eternity? Please do not be fooled! Mortality has very very few things that will be taken with us, and they are these: who we become (our knowledge and character traits), and our eternal family bonds. That's it! 

 

We need to understand what is real. We've all felt real moments. They are the times when we are fully present, not worrying about the past or the future, and are simply content to just BE. Nothing has to change. We watch our children play, and even though they are not perfect, we are grateful and content. We sit around the dinner table and laugh, and nothing else matters - not the fact that the meal was simple and the dishes need done - because we are together in that moment. It can happen when we work on a project as a family, letting the little ones help even though they don't do as good a job. It can happen when we're at work, when we finally finish a task because we let go of perfect and allowed our creative juices to start flowing again. 

I began to understand being REAL as I studied mindfulness, which can be simplified as the act of being present in the current moment without feeling the need to change anything - something a perfectionist almost never experiences. I like how Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, defines mindfulness. She says it's "taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not 'over-identify' with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity." So, we feel compassion toward ourselves in moments of sadness or insecurity rather than pulling out our to-do list and declaring "I've just got to pull it together." 

Mindfulness is also recognizing that we need not take every thought at face value. Many of our thoughts are lies. For example, as a perfectionist, I would have thoughts telling me that I wasn't good enough if I did not do this or that. I learned that these thoughts were incorrect, and I learned truths that I could use to defend myself against them, like what we discussed today about knowing where our worth truly comes from. And in a moment of stress or some other emotional discomfort, I learned not fight it, but rather allowed myself to experience it, being compassionate toward myself, until it left on its own.

I know this may sound a little strange. Who wants to stay in a moment of sadness rather than trying to make it stop? Our brains are hard wired to be in problem solving mode all the time, but the "doing mode" does not always benefit us, especially since it forces us to compare where we are now to where we would like to be, keeping us in a perpetual state of "Im not there yet" or "this isn't good enough." But that's what's so great about having a mind and having agency - we can change the way we think if we choose to. Having chosen to, and spending more time in "being mode" now, I can testify that I have experienced more joy and peace than I have during any time that I was in the throws of perfectionism. I've taken back what perfectionism stole from me, and I may not be as white a sepulcher, but I am more real than I have ever been. As a result, I respect sadness, as well as all other human emotions. They are all beautiful and worth experiencing. When we can love each moment, we are living real because we understand that life is only here for a short time, to be lived now, and then it will pass away. No accomplishment will change that, no perfect persona or body or reputation. We live real when we are okay with the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and will undoubtedly teach us a few hard lessons, but we love living it real anyway. 

 

This quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne is especially fitting. “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” I'm also reminded of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God."

I would add that happiness is understanding where we stand before God - that we are nothing and that He is everything - and being supremely content with that truth. What could be grander than being a tiny sliver of potential in an all-capable all-loving God's hands? When we know Him and trust Him, we are happy being imperfect mortals because we know that He will do the saving. He will end the poverty and the suffering. He will dry the tears and comfort the aching hearts. He will make the world beautiful, industrious, and full of life. Him. Not us. And we, in some small way, will be allowed to participate in that great work, and we are honored just to be His. We don't need to be anything but real and His.

Thank you,

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Focus on Joy

Today is James' birthday, so it's fitting that Motto # 9 is about joy. Even from the womb, this little guy has radiated true happiness, and it's from him that I'm learning about joy. 

Before we go there, though, we're coming close to the end of this series of posts, and I'd like to review our journey thus far. 

James with his favorite things: "Pizza" jammies
and toast with Grandma's freezer jam. 

First off, we talked about how even the best of us can get so caught up in appearing good that we forget to actually be good. A perfectionist and a whited sepulcher are not what they seem, though convincing ourselves of this is often hard to do. That's part of the reason why, though a perfectionist does many a good thing, they seldom feel the benefits that would come if their actions were more genuine. It just so happens that one of those benefits is JOY, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The next step on our journey, after admitting that we had a problem, was taking a step back and reevaluating our look on life. We traded in our expectations for healthy goals, then we reminded ourselves of who we are and why we are here on this earth. Wearing our helmet of salvation, we moved forward in our quest, grabbing our greatest weapon and protection, our Savior. With Him by our side, and with the ever important ingredient of humility, we realized that we are far greater when we are Christ-reliant, and we received a heavy helping of comfort, too. 

Our next step was taking the deep delve into the world of conscience, which probably gave us all a headache. What we learned, though, was that often times we convince ourselves that we are right or justified when we are not. Usually, this kind of self-deception is paired with negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, resentment, pride, or seeing ourselves as a victim. Darkness follows, and we perfectionists mistakenly believe that if we work harder and force ourselves to be better, at least on the surface, the disappointment will end. However, this method will not work. The problem: Perfectionism is itself a product of the confused conscience for two reasons. First, it is driven by shame rather than genuine guilt, which means no real change or repentance can occur. Second, when we aren't busy getting down on ourselves, we're often defending our beliefs and actions because we are desperate to prove that we are not wrong - because we know all too well that being wrong is not acceptable to someone who cares more about how they are perceived than about who they truly are inside. But we must remember that the "Lord looketh on the heart."

As the wise have already learned, though, it isn't until we accept the vulnerability of possibly being wrong that we can ever truly thrive or build healthy relationships. That's why we explored taking responsibility for our actions, and being willing to first ask ourselves "Am I wrong?" anytime a conflict presents itself, which as we all know, happens nearly everyday. With this attitude, we moved forward with a heavy burden removed from our shoulders, and with the power to make things better in our relationships with God and man. 

Next, we removed the lie from our minds that our worth is based on what we can "earn" with our own two hands. We remembered that our worth is eternal, and that God, not us, is responsible for all the blessings we receive in this life. From there, we were able to forgive ourselves for being human, and turned our thoughts toward pleasing God, not our bank account or our fellow men. With our new found trust in a higher power for our support, we started living in faith rather than fear and scarcity. 

Our last step so far was examining our priorities, and asking ourselves what we're truly after. We discovered that there are all sorts of "businesses" we can give our efforts to that will not satisfy. Since few can say it better than Dickens, let's remind ourselves what our true business is by looking at what the Ghost of Jacob Marley said to Scrooge that Christmas when his heart was so radically changed. Marley declared with deep regret, "Mankind was my business. The common welfare my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the ocean of my business!"

Lest we arrive at the end with the same regrets, let's put things in their proper place. For me, this means God first, then my family, then my neighbor. Sacrificing for Nate or the kids isn't hard anymore when I have my heart set on the right things. Instead, it fulfills me. Motherhood becomes a great JOY, as does paying tithing, or serving in my calling, or making dinner and wiping up every sticky inch of the house after the kids have eaten yet again. It's marvelous how simply changing what we've set our hearts on can have such dramatic results! Open yourself up to this change. Pray for it. 

I don't know if you noticed it, but JOY was one of the main themes from the last General Conference. There were 119 references to joy, and those words were exactly what I needed to hear, because like some of you perfectionists out there, I was starting to believe that I would only be happy if.....If so and so treated me better, or if my kids were more obedient, or if we made more money, etc. But holding ourselves back by the "ifs" of life is hardly a way to move forward. We need a different path. 

President Nelson showed us that such a path exists when he said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening - or not happening - in our lives."

So what is the path to joy? Well, put simply, I think it begins with the stone of faith in Jesus Christ, is followed by the bridge of hope that we will be redeemed, and is completed by the consuming river of love we then feel for God, our Savior, and for our fellow men. 

What I'm teaching here isn't anything new, but sometimes we want to look past the simple and seek for something more complex. However, the way is not wide with complexity, but narrow, consisting only of those few eternal truths that will lead us to eternal happiness. What's complex is not God's plan, but us humans. One of our complexities is our intolerance for vulnerability, and the millions of ways it can get us in trouble. We've explored some of those ways in previous posts. What we need to examine now is how our fear of vulnerability is one of the fastest ways we nip joy in the butt and dish ourselves up a huge plate of misery instead. 

Of course, I'm quoting Brene Brown again! She believes that joy is the emotion we are most terrified of! Why? Because if we have it, that means we can lose it, and that means we are vulnerable, which of course scares us to death. What if we lost that person we love, or the career that brings us fulfillment, or that feeling we get when we allow ourselves to admit we are loved by God? How would we survive it? 

Brene and Opra on Joy

Here's the difference between the natural man instinct and the person who is willing to take a risk on doing things God's way. The natural man runs from joy, but the man who fears God above all else leans into joy, allowing it to make him stronger and more able to overcome the opposition he faces. 

In the above video, Brene says that she's never interviewed someone who could embrace vulnerability and lean into joy who was not practicing gratitude. Gratitude is the food of joy. It is contentment with what we already have that prevents competition and envy from sweeping in and swallowing us up in a cycle of scarcity. It is gratitude toward God and all He has done for us that allows us to live in abundance and joy. 

But we have to chose it. 

Each moment presents us with the option of seeing the good or the bad, and maybe seeing the bad, or the lack, is such a habit that you don't even realize you are doing it, but starting now you can consciously choose gratitude - to see the beauty and abundance rather than what you think may be missing. 

This scripture reminds me how important gratitude is: 

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." 

President Nelson said, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." I believe that this is true. Over the last few years, I've really begun to see how each of God's commandments are meant to guide us to a blessing. For example, I recently learned the power of turning away from envy and choosing love and contentment instead. I can tell you of the misery I felt when I chose to be envious, but even more powerful is the blessing of peace that comes from choosing to follow God's commandment to not covet. I wonder if this explains why God is so offended when we do not practice gratitude and obedience. Is it because He loves us and wants us to be happy, but knows we cannot unless we follow the path He's laid out for us? Is it because God understands that in order to feel joy, we must make faith and gratitude our focus?

I think the answer is yes, and it answers the question of what our business should be. Not approval, not success even, but faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, and the joy that follows. 

This was the advice President Nelson gave in his talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival," which is so wonderful that I have to quote a portion of it here:

How, then, can we claim that joy? We can start by “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith” “in every thought.” We can give thanks for Him in our prayers and by keeping covenants we’ve made with Him and our Heavenly Father. As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us, our joy will increase.

Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power into our lives. As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!

And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.

Wow! Now don't be fooled, there were negative things Christ could've focused on: the pain He endured, the mockery of those who didn't believe Him, the power He had to stop it all but was commanded not to use. Oh, yes, Christ, had he been like us, could've been swallowed up by anger or despair, but He chose to focus on joy, and in the end, He triumphed. 

Focusing on joy can give us the courage to repent, to change, and to start living according to the natural laws (I.E. God's commandments) that are guaranteed to bring us joy when obeyed with a willing heart. I hope we can all get back to the joy we were meant to experience in this life. For we know that "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

All my love, 

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Know What Business You're In

I had a big aha! moment last week regarding agency. I'm the Primary Secretary in our ward here, and I love getting to work with these amazing kids! I also love relearning the basics of the gospel in our sharing time lessons each Sunday. This month we've been talking about agency - the precious gift from God that allows us to choose for ourselves. My aha! came when ruminating over a topic that a friend and I did not see eye to eye on. I found myself really trying to understand the topic and discover if I were wrong in my beliefs about it, but all my efforts came to no avail. I felt stuck, and I hated not knowing how to respond to my friend. Then it hit me: How does Heavenly Father feel when we do not see eye to eye with Him? I'm not sure I know the answer fully, but I do know that He does not take away our right to choose, even when He knows we are wrong. Isn't that amazing!? He knows everything, yet He allows us imperfect mortals to have free reign over our lives, and He allows us the freedom to create our own flawed societies, too. He allows us to live in a world sooooo far from perfect, and He doesn't change it. He doesn't even sit up there in heaven and stew over how much we're messing everything up. 

 

My mind's gears were spinning like crazy at this point as I realized who it was who in the beginning fought for and was determined to have a perfect world and perfectly obedient children. It was not our Father who loves us perfectly, nor the Son who became our Savior. No, it was the Son of the Morning who is now a fallen angel who fought hard for perfection, even to leading a third of the hosts of heaven with him to damnation. He craved perfection, and the glory it would bring him, so much that he gave up his soul for it. 

How sad is that!?

Now let me ask you: Are we following suit? Are we so focused on perfection that we've lost sight of what matters most?

I genuinely believe that most of us have our hearts set on good things. We never intended to become whited sepulchers. We never thought that in our attempts to do what we thought was best we were actually falling into a trap of our own making.

This is why knowledge is so important. Even the best of people can make themselves unhappy and be led far off the path they intended to travel if they don't understand what business they're in. There are counterfeits galore surrounding us, a million distractions to trick us into giving our lives away to a cause that isn't going to lead us to true eternal happiness. We must be careful, with our hands constantly on the iron rod, and most importantly with our hearts set on God. 

D&C 137:9 explains: For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts. Some choices we may make in this life are neutral, it's the desire or intent behind them that dictates whether they are good or bad. God's commandments steer us away from things He knows we are more likely to do when our desires are evil (murder, envy, adultery, etc). It's the state if our heart, though, that matters most to Him. So, that means that some acts that are considered good can be done with incorrect desires, a typical problem for a perfectionist (or any human being). This may be why you're not receiving the blessings you think you are due, even though you have wearied yourself out in well doing. 

Here's an example from the book Bonds that Make us Free that blew my mind: "We've all known a teenage beauty who's convinced she is hideous...Or a "supermom" keeping the family going by her indefatigable efforts and struggling to fight off depression over her inadequacies. The beauty would never have suspected herself hideous if she had not made her appearance a major issue by wishing to be gorgeous...The mother who doubted herself to the point of depression would not have sunk so far had she never gotten herself into the business of proving herself a "supermom." All of these people never would've imagined the possibility of their monstrousness if they had never tried to prove themselves impressive."

If you're a perfectionist you can totally relate to that! We are constantly in fear of being "found out" - that people will once an for all see us for who we really are. But guess what!? The beautiful girl wasn't actually hideous! She just thought she was because she was so obsessed with beauty! So what if we only think we are so imperfect and awful because we are so obsessed with perfection!? What if we're really amazing underneath all that paint and plaster we insist on carrying around as whited sepulchers?

Remember you are a child of God, and God doesn't create flawed things by accident! He has a unique purpose for you and for me. LIVE IT!

With that in mind, I've chosen to recommit to God's plan and the gift of agency, even if it means that myself and the world around me are going to be far from perfect for the time being. True it requires faith to see past the current and believe in the eternal where God has promised us that all will be made right and that through the Savior's atoning power we will eventually be made whole, but that faith is a necessary part of this probationary state. Just as faith with without works is dead, works without faith are equally as futile. 

 

All my love,

Kamie