Helps for Perfectionists: Let Go of Expectations

If you missed it, this series of helps for perfectionists is in conjugation with my previous post about perfectionism linked here.

As I've laid siege to my own perfectionism, I've come up with a few mottos or guidelines to help me. 

Here's motto #1: Let go of expectations. 

I want you to take a moment to imagine your perfect day. What would you accomplish? What would you look like? What would people say to you or about you?

Whether you recognize this or not, that picture of your perfect day is often hovering in the back of your mind, acting as a constant comparison to your present moment. It is your EXPECTATION. 

My expectations run something like this (check out how ridiculous this is!): I would wake up before the sun, exercise really hard, shower, read my scriptures, write in my scripture journal, and write a chapter of my novel BEFORE the kids even wake up. Then during the day I'd be a chipper mom, never raising my voice or committing any motherly faux pas, and I'd always have enough time (and the energy) to play, read books, do crafts, go to the park, etc. Oh, yeah, and I'd have a side job to bring in some extra money. Dinner would always be homemade, healthy and fabulous, and evenings would be spent in blissful, cohesive family time until the kids were in bed ON TIME. 

Sounds pretty right???? And that's just my picture from my home life. Don't even get me started on my mental, spiritual, and intellectual expectations as well!

I know there's that one person out there reading this that is thinking, "Oh come on, that's not hard. I do that everyday!" But for the rest of us normal people, lets all admit that something's got to give. We've all experienced that moment when our expectations forcibly collide with reality, and we're left standing in the tattered remains of all we were so valiantly striving to build. Our hopes were noble, of course, but we're human, and crap often hits the fan. 

It just happens. 

So how do you feel when it becomes terrifyingly clear that you aren't going to make the deadline, or that your child isn't going to have their hair done for school pictures, or that so and so is going to see you in sweat pants without your make-up on?

Here's what I'm picturing: Your chest feels tight, your breathing becomes shallow and quick, and a part of you contemplates pulling out your hair or tossing something across the room. 

My friends, the problem here isn't that you've somehow failed to "pull it together" like everybody else. The problem isn't that you're a mess and that you just can't keep up with the demands placed upon you. 

No, the problem is that you set yourself up for failure when you made perfection your expectation. 

This happens completely on accident for most of us. Our desires are good! We want to do what's right! But even when we succeed, are we ever really satisfied? (More on this in another post!)

I love the analogy I heard someone share (I apologize I don't have the original source) from an editorial column. The writer explained how expectations drastically affect our perspective by contrasting two situations.

In the first, the man went to an expensive, highly rated hotel. He expected perfection, and immediately noticed every flaw - no chocolate on his pillow, the breakfast was not gourmet, the maid forgot to replace his towel. He was livid! He left a nasty review of the hotel. 

In the second situation, the man spent the night at a cheap motel, not expecting much at all. He was deliciously surprised to find that they served breakfast at all, not caring that it was merely pre-frozen waffles and a bit of under ripe fruit. He raved about the fact that the maid made an appearance at all, and danced happily from the motel, giving praise to the front desk as he left.

Alright, I amplified that a bit for effect, but you get the point - his expectations directly influenced his mood. It was his thoughts, not the actual situation, that determined how he felt about each experience. 

And he was happier when he expected little.

Now, now, calm down!!!! I didn't say that means we give up on everything and stop trying! No, we can still have GOALS, but not expectations.

What's the difference? 

Well, according to my definition, a goal is something we are striving for, BUT when we falter, we allow ourselves to regather our thoughts, determine what went wrong, and try again. There is no FAILURE when working toward a goal. There are infinite second chances. There are opportunities to analyze whether we even want to achieve that goal still or if our priorities have changed. We can be realistic, recognizing when circumstances within or outside of our control make reaching our goal impossible - then we redefine the goal. 

A goal is fluid and forgiving.

An expectation is different. When we don't meet it, we feel a sense of shame or failure. There are no second chances. The effect is permanent, and we must now turn our efforts toward fixing it. And what happens when someone else in our life doesn't live up to our expectations, or when something happens outside of our control that doesn't meet our expectations?

We GRIEVE. 

We perfectionists cannot let disappointment go! We go crazy trying to figure out how we can change ourselves, others, or our circumstances. We often even forget to be grateful for what good we do have in our lives.

A good example from my life is birthdays. On boy how I LOATHED my birthday growing up! This had nothing to do with what actually happened on my birthdays - most of them were fine and good. It had to do with my expectations, which were grand to say the least! I wanted everyone I knew to spend the day answering to my every whim. Needless to say, I found myself disappointed. 

And it was my own doing. 

Looking back, I'm saddened that I didn't enjoy those birthdays more. I'm sure there were a lot of great things that I totally missed because I was so busy stewing over unmet (and unvoiced!) expectations. 

We can free ourselves from this trap. We can choose to change our expectations into healthy, attainable goals, and we can choose to free others from the chains of our unrealistic expectations as well. 

How?

Really what this all comes down to is LOVE. Love of self, love of others, and love of God, too. 

Remember that love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). What would happen if you were patient and kind with yourself? What if you started to view each new day not as expecting something from you, but as an opportunity to learn something new and maybe get a little closer, step by step, to one of your goals? 

I want us all to remember that we don't have to bring the most impressive meal to the family who just had a baby - we can bring them something simple. It's still an act of service, a deed born of love, even if it isn't Pinterest perfect, and your family will thank you when you still have some energy left for them at the end of it. And you don't have to throw the best birthday parties, have the best outfit, be the most educated or whatever else you think is expected of you. Let's let all these superficial things go and just love each other. 

When all is said and done, that's the message the Spirit has tried hardest to get through to me. 

Just love. 

So, my friends, let's let go of our expectations, our charades and our whited sepulchers, and allow others to let go, too. When things get broken or goals go unmet, apply a little patience and kindness and watch the healing begin.

Stay tuned for motto #2 this weekend!

~Kamie