Okay, now that that is out there, let's be frank. LIFE IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even as I type this I feel a pang of anger at myself for being so entirely pathetic! I am logically aware that this is BY FAR the best time of my life. I have so many blessings that many people spend time on their knees crying and begging God to send their way. Let me just say right now that I am aware of these blessings and am profoundly grateful for them. It is not from a LACK of blessings per se that my struggle is brought about. Perhaps it is from too many blessings, or maybe it's just life, I don't know.
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| I love this extremely messy little girl :) |
False Premise (aka "Stuck Point"):
Life is going to be EASY at some point.
I know you are all laughing because, of course, this is not true. And yet, every night, somewhere between when Nate gets home and when I collapse on my bed in utter exhaustion, I expect some sort of miracle to occur, something that will make my body superhuman and my mind free from anxiety.
Here's a few example of how this is affecting me:
1) Over the last year I have been to the doctors several times, running tests and receiving antibiotics and on and on and on, thinking that FINALLY the doctor will actually figure out what is wrong with me! Well, they never have, and I'm suspicious that they never will, because, I'm beginning to discover, being tired and weary after a long day is NORMAL. I rolled my eyes every time a test at the doctors came back not just normal, but showing that I was actually in perfect health. If you took a picture of my blood work, you could put it in a text book as an example of what is perfectly normal. But I haven't felt healthy at all, and to me it was pretty obvious that a young, perfectly healthy woman would NOT be in pain all the time, so I kept going to the doctor. This last time it was for a cold that lasted OVER a month that I was sure was bronchitis. Again, all the doctor was willing to do was prescribe antibiotics, which worked for only the week I was on them, and then I got sick again as soon as they ran out. But one day, after getting so used to a sore throat it was almost like breathing, I realized it was gone! Two weeks later, we're on cold number two of 2014 at our house.
Maybe, instead of waiting for the day that I wake up feeling as healthy as I actually am to come, I should start living my life now. Just a thought, but not as easy as it sounds.
2) Then there's the picture of domestic bliss that I now understand is only a fantasy. Nate getting home at 5 o'clock, dinner already made and on the table, Emma obedient and NOT messy, the house cleaned and Emma in bed by 7, Nate washing the dishes....the list goes on and on. But then I realize that I don't actually NEED those things in order to be happy, and by expecting them, I am only causing myself more stress and disappointment. It's okay that we don't eat dinner till 6:30 or 7 because Nate doesn't come home till then. It's okay that Emma usually gets to bed late, and the house is a disaster when I finally have free time at night and just want to collapse on the couch. It's okay that I do the dishes despite my exhaustion and have a sore back and feet when I climb in bed, always later than I wish. That's life, and it's great!
3) Oh yeah, and then there's baby number two! Haha no I'm not pregnant. I'm referring to John Thomas (aka JT), the 8 month old baby I have been nannying lately. The first couple of days with him around were absolutely IMPOSSIBLE! But, now that I'm getting the hang of things, it's actually not so bad. He fits in quite well here with Emma and I. They have become buddies (if that's what you call Emma hugging him against his will or playing peek-a-boo with him by covering him with a blanket as he crawls around). It's also been an amazing learning experience. It's crazy how the little nuances of a baby's character can make caring for them totally different than caring for another baby. I'm learning what JT needs that is different from what Emma needs.
So, where does the false idea that life is supposed to be easy fit in here? Well, when my friend let me know her brother was looking for a nanny, and I decided that I'd give it a try, I had in my mind that it would be EASY. After all, JT is a happy, easy-going baby. I soon learned that even happy, easy-going babies have a hard time adjusting to a change in caretaker. He was pretty fussy with me at first, but is doing better the longer he is with us. Happy, easy-going babies also have their faults (if a baby can have faults). JT's is that he is naturally a bad sleeper who has never been sleep trained. Yikes! That happens to be the part of parenting (so far) that was HARDEST for me with Emma. Now, contrary to my instincts, I rock JT to sleep with a bottle till he is dead asleep, then put him down. If he wakes up in the middle of his nap, I have to hold him for the rest of the nap because he can't sleep on his own. This is definitely the most difficult part for me. I just wish he could sleep independently! Anyways, I realize that might not be a trial for everyone, but it has been for me, especially since I still have Emma to care for and can't always be holding a sleeping baby.
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| Isn't he cute! He really is a happy, easy-going baby :) |
4) DENTAL SCHOOL is THE WORST!!!!!!!!!! The infamous second year of dental school, though over in a week, has finally gotten to us. Nate was explaining to me what a day in his life is like, and it finally hit me just how much pressure he is under. I feel so terrible for ever complaining about having to take the garbage out myself! He has a week left with about 15 finals to take between now and then. Wish him luck (or pray)! I'm just going to accept that this week is going to be TERRIBLE, and move on. No crying about what I can't change.
Speaking of terrible! The last twenty-four hours have been insane! Last night, our washer flooded the laundry room, hallway, and kitchen. Nate desperately needed to study for his final today, but instead spent time sweeping the water out the front door. Luckily, we had several neighbors come to our aid. Two hours later, the floor was mostly dry, and Nate was able to go back to studying.
This morning, they came by to clean the carpets in the hallway that flooded. It turns out they parked the truck too close to my front door, and the house filled with carbon monoxide. During our morning nap, an extremely annoying alarm went off: the CO detector. I grabbed the two sleeping babies and ran barefoot out the backdoor. We sat at the playground for a little bit while I figured out what to do. I told the office about the alarm, they sent someone over, and gave us the all clear to go back inside. During the initial shock of the moment, I started to feel woozy, and because I didn't know anything at all about CO, I really thought I was going to die. I'm still here though!
I'm really tempted to be angry that all these bad things have happened, on top of us all, including JT, getting colds, and all during the worst round of finals we will EVER experience. We have prayed and prayed and asked for miracles. At this point, I think the miracle will be surviving this week. Pray for us!
Well, I'm not going to pretend that I've totally overcome this false premise that life is supposed to be easy, but by being aware of it, and being more realistic in what I expect from life, I am amazed at what I am able to accomplish or endure despite the less than perfect conditions life throws at me. Life is hard. Duh!
Now, I know all my family is wanting an update about Emma, so here it is.
Emma is a toddler. I thought my little angel would never tell me "no," would never hit another child, and would never throw food across the room, but she does. All that and all the other things toddlers do when they're frustrated. But, like everything else, this is normal, and I'm learning it's not so bad. She is also adorable at times, and most of the time she is endearing.
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| She had to have her snack on the floor |
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| Sassing daddy |
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| Still wants to be the baby, especially since JT has been around |
-Crawls up into her little chair with a stack of books and reads to herself. I struggle to get her to let me read to her, but I figure her looking at books still counts as reading.
-At the playground, she climbs the stairs, heads to the slide, flies down it, lands hard on her bum, and gets right back up. She is so tough!
-She gets jealous when I feed JT in her high chair, so now she wants to be in the high chair a lot more often. She colors in there, eats, watches a movie, or just hangs out with her baby doll.
-WORDS! Oh my goodness she is saying so many new words! I can't remember them all, but here's a few: cookie, cracker, up, outside, bird, bee, moo, choo choo, soft (sign), bawk bawk (chicken), sorry (sign), key, fishy, water (sounds more like bottle), pop pop (popcorn), bubbles, shoe, neigh (horse), etc.
-When we are outside, she always recognizes the sound of an airplane and points up to the sky at it.
-She loves stacking her blocks now, and sometimes she'll line them all up in a row and say "choo choo."
-Occasionally, her and JT will just stare at each other and laugh for a long time. It's really cute.
-This one is not so fun, but she all of a sudden likes baby food now that she sees JT eating it.
-She's obsessed with keys. She knows how to get them into the lock in our bathroom door, and she sometimes gets them stuck. Then she'll come to me, sign help, and I'll get them out for her. Sometimes this goes on for awhile.
-All day long she says "daddy" and "Tessa," her two favorite people (besides mommy).
-When she knows JT is sleeping, she'll sneak upstairs into my room and peak on him, saying "baby" over and over again until I take her out.
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| Trip to the Zoo! |
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| My Valentine :) |
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| Trying to get her to pet the puppies. She wasn't into it. |
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| Playdate! |
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| Museum of Flight |
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| Best pals! |
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| At the park taking advantage of the sunny day :) |
Here's my little potted garden of beets and chard. It's looking great!
We're headed to Utah next week! Yay!!!!!!!!!!! :)
-Kamie
