In my last post we started a discussion on conscience, which we desperately need to finish. So, once we've let go of expectations and have begun to understand the difference between guilt and shame, we have the opportunity to stop listening to the world and to follow our conscience.
But this can be tricky for perfectionists.
I can totally relate to that! I constantly struggle with juggling multiple demands for my attention (because it all HAS to be done!) and end up feeling guilty (or shamed) when I fumble, dropping the balls and making a mess of everything. But why was I trying to carry so much in the first place? Were my motives really pure when I decided to march to the beat of the perfectionist drum?
Honestly, I don't know, but if I've learned one thing in the last few years it's that sometimes even my own conscience cannot be trusted. Looking back with greater light and knowledge at my past, I can see clearly that I was often wrong when I was certain I was right. Or I thought I just HAD to do something, and I realized later that my priorities were actually not the best.
Do any of you experience this? I feel as though I'm perpetually in a state of past-sight, but the current-sight and the foresight I so need remain aloof.
Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only one who has a tricky time figuring out conscience. There are a bazillion thought errors that can cause us to believe we are right (or wrong), when in fact we are not!
This single fact - the knowledge that our own personal compass can lead us astray - which Warner calls self-deception - is perhaps the root of a majority of the conflicts we get stuck in. But what is a recovering perfectionist like me supposed to do about this problem?
I believe the answer is far simpler than it seems. Let's begin with a scripture and go from there:
"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." - 3 Nephi 11:29
I would like to add that not all contention appears in the form of anger. Actually, in my own experience I have struggled more with fear and anxiety. I cast others in the role of unrighteous judge when I fear what they think of me or that I will disappoint them. Sometimes this appears in the form of being afraid to ask for help when I need it. Or it can come in not wanting to hang out with friends because I'm worried I'm not ____ enough for them. Though it may seem different, I've discovered that this is the spirit of contention as well because it often leads to accusing feelings inside me, even if they are not voiced or end up directed at myself (as they often are for perfectionists).
I've also noticed that when I'm feeling the spirit of contention, I'm usually thinking about myself, and it's harder to see things clearly or discern right from wrong correctly.
Another problem we have with our consciences is that when we feel shamed, we often go about justifying why we should not have to feel bad. Guilt leads to repentance, but shame leads to further self-deception in the name of clearing our own names. What do I mean? We can almost always come up with a story that provides us with enough evidence to convince ourselves that we are not to blame, but the problem is that, in making ourselves the victim, we cast others in the role of the abuser, which is hardly fair to them. No wonder they may get defensive when we approach them as a victim! They never intended to be a villain at all!
So juxtapose the concept of the spirit of contention with this scripture:
"For Charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." -Moroni 7:46-47
As a perfectionist, I bet you picked out that line "never faileth" and started doing a happy dance. We hate to fail!!!! But here's the tricky part: Charity is NEVER about us. Remember "charity seeketh not her own."
Often when we try to solve conflict, whether it's internal or with others, we go about it the wrong way, keeping our own interests in mind as the highest priority or holding a grudge deep down, even if it isn't voiced. These attitudes keep us in self-deception and prevent us from being able to see things clearly.
Warner suggests in Bonds the Make Us Free that the first step out of the darkness of a confused conscience is to allow the light coming from others to direct us. This doesn't mean to follow their ideas about what is right and wrong. Rather, it means to allow their humanity to affect us, and when we see them as people with thoughts and feelings like ourselves, a knowledge of how we should treat them, or their "light" as Warner calls it, can direct us toward the truth about our own actions and whether or not they have been correct.
This is just one reason why I believe charity never faileth. When we love others as Christ does, we view their humanity and allow it to affect us, guiding us toward a brighter conscience light by the light of Christ. Charity is Christ-focused and others-focused. We fall out of the picture entirely when we begin to genuinely feel compassionate, long-suffering, and peaceful toward others. It reminds me of the scripture: "He who loses his life for my sake shall find it."
The beautiful thing about charity is that it is a spiritual gift we can pray for. All of us can have it! But we have to ask ourselves a very important question first:
Could I be wrong?
In my own experience, it hasn't been until I've accepted a mindset of knowing that I may be wrong in any instance that I've been more open to charity. This is another difficult thing for perfectionists, though, because we don't like to be wrong. Who does!? But when I experience conflict and I ask myself: Am I wrong? I find myself letting go more easily, softening, and even forgiving. It also helps me be more forgiving of myself - another thing we perfectionists need help with!
I know I haven't done this topic justice, and I really recommend EVERYONE read Bonds the Make Us Free, or for a more secular version Leadership and Self-Deception. The wisdom of the principles they teach are so powerful!!!!
Well, I'm excited to start off December with an open mind and heart, and I love that the Church is focusing on charity too! Here's a link to how we can light up to world in 25 days!
I want to thank all of you who are on this journey with me! Your support is invaluable! :)
~ Kamie
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