There is No Fear in Love: James' Birth Story Part 2

I feel so blessed to tell the story of how our little Nathan James joined our family. The story is quite remarkable, and it's been a crazy ride since.

Patiently Waiting: 

In my attempt to avoid the "counting down the days" misery of the last few weeks of pregnancy, I had decided at the beginning of this pregnancy to expect our little one to be born a week or so after his due date. Originally, this was working just fine. Then, at about 36 weeks I started to feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis that I can only describe as feeling like he was going to fall out. This feeling coupled with a plethora of Braxton-Hicks contractions led me to ask my midwife to check how dilated I was at my next appointment. I was shocked to find that at a day before 37 weeks I was already 4 cm dilated and 50% effaced! With Emma I was only at a 2 at that point. Naturally, the nesting kicked in hard core, and I spent the next week "resting," so as to avoid going into labor, which really meant cleaning every inch of my apartment and getting everything set up for baby. During the second week, I started to get discouraged. I had everything ready, was having consistent contractions every evening, and still no baby! Even with the best of intentions, I ended up getting restless and cranky that my baby wasn't there yet, even though I was only 38 weeks pregnant.

Though I knew it was silly to attempt to plan a convenient time for James to come, we all thought it would be pretty dandy for him to be born on the 12th. I absolutely had my heart set on him NOT being born on Valentine's Day, and I was worried that I would go into labor while Nate was at school and that he wouldn't be able to get home in time. My labor with Emma was less than 6 hours, so I knew it was likely I would have another quick labor. We prayed that James would be born at the right time, and we worked out a plan for our neighbors to take me to the hospital just in case. We used those exact words, "born at the right time," when we were praying just before Emma was born, and her timing ended up being perfect in hindsight. The same is true for James.

The 12th came and went, and absolutely nothing happened. In fact, my consistent contractions earlier in the week had dwindled, and I was certain I was never going to go into labor. I was still nannying Tali during this time, I ran on my elliptical every morning, and I took the girls out for several walks during the week. Nothing. The next day was Friday the 13th, and the day after was Valentine's Day. We held our breath. No contractions at all. We were able to go to the temple that Valentine's morning, then have a nice stay at home date, which was really a blessing. All of my unresolved fears were answered while I was in the temple. It couldn't have been more perfect! Heavenly Father knew I needed to be in the temple one more time before James came. And I'll never forget the joy on Emma's face when Nate walked in with flowers for her (and me) on Valentine's Day! She was ecstatic! Nate really spoiled us girls with a yummy steak dinner and a movie. I was feeling pretty content despite not having had the baby yet.

Labor and Delivery:

When a couple of strong contractions woke me the next morning, I tried not to get overly excited about it. It was only about 6:30, so I tried to go back to sleep. I listened to my Hypnobabies fear-clearing track just in case, but I didn't really think I was in labor. The fear I decided I needed to release was the fear that I would fail at having a natural childbirth. When I still hadn't been able to fall back asleep at 7 am, I got out of bed and started getting ready for the day. As soon as I was up and moving about, my contractions were four minutes apart and were getting stronger. I decided I better wake Nate up and let him know what was going on. We called my midwives, and they said that though I didn't sound like I was in a lot of pain, I'd better come in so I could start my antibiotic treatment for the Group B. We already had all our bags packed, so we dropped Emma off with our friends next door, and started off toward the hospital. I remember joking and smiling with Nate at this point despite having contractions so close together.

There was absolutely no traffic on the way to the hospital, thanks to it being a quiet Sunday morning. We were able to park behind the hospital (just a short walk to the birth center) for free because it was Sunday. I had to lean on Nate a couple of times as we walked to the car and then into the hospital, but this was mostly because I was attempting to relax through the contractions so they didn't become painful. I could definitely feel them getting more intense, but I wasn't in pain at all. We arrived at the hospital around 8 am, and the nurse that checked us in (I was so impressed that they already knew we were coming and were expecting us!) smiled at me and asked me if I was in labor (almost like she didn't think I was). I smiled back and told her yes. Nate and I were both in pretty light-hearted moods, and I was excited, not scared. I did get a little nervous because as soon as we got to the hospital my contractions slowed down a lot, and I worried they might tell me I was in false labor. However, when my midwives came in to check on me, they told me I was already 6 cm and 90% effaced and that I was definitely in labor. They said it was common to have a bit of a break from the contractions. I thought it might've been Heavenly Father intervening to ensure I was adequately treated for the Group B (4 hours of antibiotics) before the baby was born. That turned out to be a false hope, but still, the break was nice so I could rest up before transition started. The break lasted about an hour, all through the nurse checking my vitals and hooking up my IV antibiotics, which, by the way, was a horrendous experience. I have veins that phlebotomists love, and the nurse couldn't get my IV in! I had battle bruises in both arms for two weeks after my labor.

Check out the bruise on my left arm in this picture, Haha that's from the IV. 

After the nurse left I got on the birthing ball, turned on one of my Hypnobabies tracks, and focused on laboring. My contractions started up again and were about four minutes apart as long as I was resting. Nate held my hand and talked me through them, and my midwives stood by ready to help if needed but were not in my face or distracting me while I was concentrating.

When I got up to go to the bathroom my contractions went crazy! They were back to back and really strong. I knelt on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor trying to stay relaxed through the contractions. I had some bloody show at that point. After that, I decided the birthing ball was much more comfortable!

Pretty soon I started getting the chills and shakes, which I knew meant I was in transition (dilating from 8-10 cm). Luckily, I came prepared with warm socks and sweats. The contractions got closer and more intense, and I started to feel worn out a bit physically because of all the hard work my body was doing, but I still wouldn't describe the contractions as painful. I just let go and let the contractions happen, almost as if I wasn't in my own body, and as a result I didn't register the pain. Nate was sitting next to me this whole time gently talking me through the contractions. He did an awesome job staying calm and being supportive. Ana, one of my midwives, sat nearby giving advice when needed. She helped me recognize when I was tensing and helped me relax. I was having a lot of success keeping my mind relaxed, and I kept most of my physical tension in my shoulders and hands rather than in my back and stomach, which I think helped, though it would've been better had I been able to not tense up at all.

I guess I should explain a bit about what I was focusing on during my labor, since a lot of people aren't familiar with hypnobirthing. I was technically in self-hypnosis the whole time, but what did that mean for me? Basically, it just means that I was in a state of deep mental and physical relaxation. Mentally, I went to my "special place" and was happy and relaxed there. Honestly, I thought that during my labor I would become overwhelmed, and that I would have the opportunity to see or imagine my Savior there in my special place helping me through the labor because I couldn't do it alone. That didn't happen, though. In fact, I couldn't help being a bit disappointed by that, because I had been hoping that natural childbirth would be a very spiritual experience for me. However, what I did experience was equally as amazing. I remember at one point feeling peaceful and knowing that my Savior was aware of me and my baby, and that He was there to help me, but that wasn't what I was thinking about a majority of the time. Actually, what I thought about most when I was in my special place was getting to hold James. Imagining him, knowing he was real, and loving him was what strengthened me the most. When I thought about my sweet baby, I knew anything I had to go through would be worth it, and still, I wasn't really in pain. Uncomfortable, yes. Tired, of course, but pain is something entirely different. It's hard to explain, but I believe more now than ever that our minds, and how we choose to perceive things, truly affects what we experience. I didn't believe I had to be in pain, so I wasn't.

We were told when we first got there that we would be able to move into a larger room with a jaccuzi tub in it. However, my labor was getting more and more intense, and I didn't want to wait any longer to use the tub, so Nate supported me as we attempted to make our way down the hall into one of the private jacuzzi rooms. As soon as I tried to walk, the contractions were back to back again, and they completely took my breath away. Needless to say, I was more than ready to hop into the tub once we finally made it. Nate hopped in with me, and my midwives waited just outside the room in case we needed them. It was about 11:40 by this time, and I had been in labor for 4 hours and 40 minutes(ish).

My first contraction in the tub was extremely intense. The next one was insane! I told Nate that I thought I might've been pushing, and he pulled the emergency cord in the bath. The next thing I knew, my midwives and a bunch of nurses were piling into the small room. I told them I thought I might've been pushing. They asked me if I thought I could make it back into our room, but I honestly didn't know if I could, especially with how difficult it had been for me to make it down the hallway in the first place. Plus, if I still had a long way to go in my labor, I didn't want to get out of the water. That last contraction had been the first one that had totally overwhelmed me. I was exhausted and shaking pretty badly. I was just beginning to think that it might be too much for me to handle, and I didn't want to lose the comfort of the warm water before I had to. We decided to wait through one more contraction and then see if I felt like I could head back into the room.

The next contraction hit about a minute after the first, and I was positive that I was pushing then. It was such a surreal feeling! I had no control. I didn't have to concentrate or decide to push, my body was doing it without my permission, and I couldn't stop it! Ana had me stand up quickly so she could check me, and she announced that she could already see his head! My water broke during that contraction, and the midwives promptly removed me from the tub and instructed me to get on my hands and knees beside the bath. They told me I was going to have the baby right there.

Looking back, it seems pretty comical, but at the time, everything happened so fast and I was so caught up in the moment that I couldn't be stressed or scared. I got on my hands and knees just in time for the next contraction to hit. I was so focused that I didn't notice all the nurses running around with their heads chopped off. Nate said he got a little worried because the nurses seemed panicked, but my midwives and I remained calm. One contraction later, and James was out! Nate helped catch him. They handed him to me immediately. He was pure white! I vaguely remember feeling a twinge of pain in my perineum, but more than anything I felt intense relief. It felt so amazing to have him out of me and in my arms! I hardly noticed the blood covered floor as they threw me and James in a wheelchair and moved us back into our room. I do remember James attempting to breastfeed immediately. He seemed to already know what to do. The nurse had to tell me to stop him from eating so that he could get enough oxygen in his lungs first. All of this happened in a matter of minutes, and James was born at 11:45 a.m.

I will admit that the next part was very uncomfortable. First, my placenta was born, which hurt a little because my midwives had to press on my stomach to get my uterus to contract so the bleeding would stop. Nate got to cut the umbilical cord after that and the midwives collected some cord blood. I was having afterbirth contractions that were a little uncomfortable, but luckily I had James to distract me. My perineum tore thanks to James' 8 lb body bursting through it (his head didn't get squished one bit!), so then Ana numbed me up with some lidocaine and started stitching. Honestly, that was the worst part of the entire labor for me, and it took awhile because I had a sort of zig-zag tear. I could feel her stitching and tugging, and a couple of times it hurt, but even that wasn't excruciating.

Most everything that happened after James was born is a blur. What I remember most is holding James skin to skin with me and letting out a giant sigh. I had heard stories of the huge endorphin rush that comes after a natural birth, but it wasn't like that for me. I felt happy, relieved and tired. I just stared down at James and couldn't stop smiling. It was a warm, sweet feeling, most akin to joy. I remember Nate with a broad smile across his face and pride in his eyes exclaiming, "You did it!" He was so happy and proud of James and I that I couldn't help feeling good. I think part of my relief and joy came from the pride of knowing I had accomplished my goal, and of course, that it was over!

I loved that the nurses didn't try to take James away from me. I got to hold him skin to skin, breastfeed, and bond for over two hours before I told them they could take him. I was kinda surprised when they weighted him and he was 8 lbs 4 oz. That's about a pound heavier than Emma was. He was perfectly healthy. This time, Nate got to go with him to get his shots and PKU done, and I got to stay in bed and rest.

James' first bath

It was funny to see the reaction of the nurses after it was over and Nate, James and I were just relaxing and bonding. I could tell our story was the talk of the hospital. Everyone kept saying they couldn't believe how calm I was the whole time. My midwife commented that she hopes I have lots of babies because I do it so well. I have to laugh a little bit at that. I wonder how many births these people have seen, and they really thought mine was worth commenting on? I hope more women out there can discover what I've discovered and have calm, beautiful births, too.

I worry that a lot of people won't put credit to my story because I had a fast labor, which I suppose might make it seem easier. Maybe it was easier than some births, but I still absolutely believe that the principle of being elated rather than afraid made a huge difference. For more proof of that, read Emma's birth story: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2012/09/welcome-emma-true-story_8.html I was in a state of panic and as a result in a lot of pain in her labor. It was a completely different experience, and both labors were short. The length wasn't the determining factor in my experience.

Looking back, I believe my experience was a spiritual one, but in a different way than I had planned. It felt so amazing to participate fully in the biological miracle of bringing a new life into this world. I felt strong, empowered, and on top of the world. I realized that all along, Heavenly Father had already granted me the strength to be able to accomplish this task, I just had to believe I could do it. The spiritual experience was learning that I COULD do it. I could. Yes, my Savior was there to help, but giving birth naturally wasn't something that was so overwhelming that I couldn't do it myself. He created me to be able to do it myself! So, as proud as I feel of myself for doing it, I feel even more grateful to Him for building me with the inherent strength to create life. What a gift! He gave that gift to me (and you) freely! It would be an absolute shame not to use it in the best way that I can. I feel closer to my Savior now because I think that I see myself more like He sees me: strong and capable of doing the work He's called me to do. Yes, I'll need His help along the way, but there's nothing that He could ask me to do that I cannot accomplish. He has not designed me (or you) to fail. Isn't that so cool! Even in this, the Lord's love for us is apparent. What a blessing it is to take the time to see it.

If you're curious about why I chose to have a natural birth, check out this post: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2015/03/childbirth-can-be-beautiful.html

Recovery:

Immediately after James was born, I noticed a big difference between this recovery and my recovery with Emma. I remember being in an excruciating amount of pain after my epidural wore off with Emma, and the nurses, unbeknownst to me, started giving me hydrocodone, an oxycontin-like drug. The pain went away temporarily, but the drugs made me so sick! I was absolutely miserable, and to top it off, my emotional state went haywire. I almost immediately got hit with the baby-blues. I was so overwhelmed, and I couldn't pull myself together.

With James, I was in a tiny bit of pain due to my torn perineum, but the Tylenol and ibuprofen they gave me was more than enough to stop the pain without making me sick. I was up and moving around a little that day, and even managed to take a shower. I felt really weak and light-headed (I think I got a little anemic with the blood loss), but I was able to rest a lot thanks to an awesome nursing staff that took great care of me (I really loved Northwest Hospital). Most importantly, I felt like myself emotionally. I was able to bond with James much more easily, and I remember being happy, not overwhelmed or sad. My body had been through a shocking experience, but thanks to the hypnobirthing, my mind didn't have to. Mothering James came easily, naturally, and joyfully, which was such a relief to me. My immediate love for James has been such a blessing in the weeks following his birth.

Nate's parents and his sister and her family came to see us at the hospital that night. I remember I even changed out of my hospital gown and put on some real clothes, which felt so nice. Emma came in and LOVED James, then quickly got distracted by everything there was to explore at the hospital. Emma went home that night with her grandma and aunt Shanie, and she had a blast playing with her cousin, Peyton. Nate and I got to stay together at the hospital, and I even got a little sleep this time!

"Baby come out?"

"I like him."

"It's my baby brother!"

"Can we keep him?"

Trying to get a family picture haha :) Emma was way too distracted.

At first, I thought my recovery was going to be so great! By the time I left the hospital (we stayed an extra 24 hours because I wasn't adequately treated for the Group B), I wasn't taking very many pain meds and I felt amazing. However, I think I had just been extra spoiled by the hospital staff. I had hardly had to leave my bed for two whole days, and they fed me really well! When I got home, it was more difficult to rest, and I had my energetic toddler back. Luckily, my mother-in-law took care of all the cooking, cleaning, and watched Emma, so all I had to worry about was taking care of James. In fact, when I got home from the hospital, my apartment was cleaner than it has ever been thanks to Sylvia scrubbing the whole place. We had a lot of fun while Sylvia was here. I'm so grateful she came.

Going home from the hospital

Bringing James home for the first time

At the end of that first week, I was feeling a little weak still, but I wasn't in pain anymore and I thought I was mostly recovered. I even was silly enough to think I could handle a walk to the grocery store on Friday. Then, Saturday night, we all came down with colds, including James. It wasn't a very bad cold, but it was enough to completely knock out all of my remaining energy. With Sylvia gone and Nate at school, I had to take care of the kids by myself for two days while being sick. I didn't realize at the time how hard things were. In fact, it wouldn't have been so bad if things didn't get worse.

My mom came that Wednesday and stayed for a week. It was so fun to have her visit. She and Emma watched Annie a hundred times. I started watching Tali again while she was here. It wasn't very hard, except Tali decided to gain a ton of weight during the week I took off, and she was soooo heavy I could hardly lift her (my midwives told me not to lift more than 10 lbs, and she weighs close to 25 lbs at 10 months). I don't know what I would've done without my mom there. She took Emma to playgroup, fed Tali, scoured the bathroom, cooked a giant pan of lasagna, did all the laundry, etc.

Dinner on the water with my mom and grandpa

So glad my mom came to visit :)

I was just beginning to think I was recovering from my cold when my mom left the next Wednesday. Emma, my mom and I were all in tears as she left. It was so nice to have some quiet one on one time with my mom. After she left, I watched all three kids that Thursday and Friday by myself, which honestly wasn't that bad except that I still had no energy. Tali is usually a perfect angel, but Emma has been taking out her frustration on Tali lately by taking all the toys away from her. This upsets Tali and causes me stress. Anyway, by the time the weekend came, I was ready for a break. However, on Saturday I started to feel pretty crummy, and by Sunday I was running a 102 degree fever and could hardly walk from my bed to the bathroom without passing out. I called my midwives and they told me to come in the next day so they could make sure I didn't have a postpartum infection. My grandma had flown in just in time to witness my utter destruction. She was a lifesaver! By Monday morning, my fever had broken, and my midwives said they thought I must have the flu, not an infection. I thought that was good news, until Nate caught it, too, and now, a week later, we are both still recovering from the toll the virus took on our bodies. Thankfully, Emma and James haven't caught it. We had fun with Grandma Doc, though. I really enjoyed listening to all her stories, and I discovered a that I'm a lot more like her than I previously knew. We were so sad to see the "laundry fairy" leave.

Now, I'm on my own again, though Nate just finished up finals so he has a week and a half off to help out, which is a blessing. Basically, I think I would've been more than recovered (I define recovery to mean back to feeling like my old, pre-pregnancy self) by now, but my already weak body has had a really hard time dealing with all these viruses I keep catching, and as a result I'm still feeling really weak. A short walk around the neighborhood is about all I can manage right now, and James is a month old. I thought I would be back to exercising by now, especially since I was exercising up to the day he was born, but I've just been too sick and my poor heart is still struggling to catch back up. So, I'm taking it really easy, and in the meantime, trying not to lose my mind while I'm cooped up in the house with the kids all day. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. I'm so grateful that I had a lot of help this first month, though. It was definitely a miracle that my family was able to come and be here when I was so sick! Otherwise, I'm not sure how we would've gotten through! Plus, James has made things easy on us by being such an agreeable baby. So despite feeling nasty all month, we've been able to manage remarkably well. So many blessings!

Backyard picnic. It's amazing how much of a difference getting outside for a few minutes makes :)

Our New Normal:

James is a sweetheart. He is doing really well on his schedule (I decided to try Babywise this time around), and is already sleeping for 5 hour stretches at night. He really only gets fussy when his tummy is hurting after eating or if he gets too tired. He is just as wiggly outside of the womb as he was inside it. He was 10 and a half pounds at his one month appointment! He already holds his head up (he has been doing it almost since birth) and is beginning to be able to focus on things with his eyes. His favorite things to look at are me and the blinds. He is so patient with Emma's endless love, and seems to be willing to just go with the flow in our crazy lives right now.

Emma absolutely adores him. She is so happy to have a baby brother. He isn't my baby, according to her, he is her baby. She always asks if she can "kiss the baby" or "hold 'im." I'm amazed at how well she must've understood when we taught her that she was going to have a baby brother. She keeps saying "baby come out!" and she hasn't once asked if we can take him back. Actually, when we first brought him home, she asked if we could keep him. I've never seen anything sweeter than the love she has for her brother.

Emma has been pretty well behaved during this time, but she's been having a hard time sleeping, thanks to having lots of family visiting and her being a sleep fighter in general. She's acted out a bit, and certainly hasn't been her sweet, obedient self lately. However, I'd say she's adjusting pretty well.

Emma has done really well with staying potty trained during this time.
She did have one accident where she peed all the way up the stairs though haha!
You can see the drops if you look closely.

Haha! She always naps with her baby doll, and this is what we found one day :)

Nate is so proud of his little boy. I'm so in love! When I would picture him before he was born, I always imagined him as a teenage boy with dark hair that looked like my dad. Then he was born with dark hair and he looks just like my dad! Isn't that cool!? I'm glad that James looks like my side of the family since everyone always tells me that Emma looks nothing like me.

This past month has really flown by! It's all kinda a blur! I hope we'll finally all get better and that things will slow down enough for me to take it all in. All I know for sure is that I love my little guy, and that there is so much for us to look forward to with our beautiful growing family.

Kamie