Maturity is much shorter....haha :)
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| Our first snow day in Pendleton! :) |
Let me start with a story. Recently I've been going through somewhat of a conflict with a dear friend. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that both of us were feeling hurt about something, and at one point I felt as though she were blaming me. Now, what was my natural man response? To get defensive of course! It couldn't be my fault because I really was trying to be a good friend! At least that's how things looked from my perspective. But luckily I already knew that becoming defensive would in no way solve our conflict. Instead, I asked myself the question I mentioned we must all ask ourselves in my last post:
Could I be wrong?
With divine help, I humbled myself enough to admit that there was a possibility that I might be wrong (aka she might be right), and rather than getting defensive I chose to apologize instead.
Some of you are probably thinking that sounds crazy. Why would throw themself under the bus like that? We should stand up for ourselves, shouldn't we?
I'm here to tell you that if you stand up for yourself by blaming someone else, it will backfire every time. Regardless of who's fault you perceive something to be, there is always something YOU are responsible for. Take responsibility for it. (This is not to say you bury yourself under so much shame that you stop functioning. For more on this, see this post on shame.) And, if you want to have an even greater positive influence, be a leader and take responsibility for the other person's half of the blame, too. Why? Because they cannot be defensive unless they are being blamed. And if they are not defensive then their consciences will be more clear, and soon they will be able to see the truth for themselves. When we are genuine (and vulnerable!) and accept responsibility for our mistakes, it invites others to do the same.
What does this have to do with perfectionists? Well, something I was shocked to discover when I took an honest look at myself was that my need to protect my "perfect" idea of myself was causing hurt and conflict in my life. Why? Because I was justifying my behavior or finding someone else to take the blame rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I learned this lesson from one of my all time favorite books Bonds that Make Us Free, a must read! I also love this quote from Elder Renlund's talk Repentance: A Joyful Choice:
"Blaming others, even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By doing so, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and the ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."
Blaming a person or a situation for our actions is futile. For that reason the word "fault" no longer exists in my vocabulary. Instead I'll ask myself: "Who's responsibility is that?" Usually it falls on me, but that has become empowering to me rather than debilitating because it means I have the power to impact the situation and make it better!
In my conflict with my friend, my perfectionism might've looked like me becoming defensive. In other aspects of my life, it might look like me acting the part of the victim. I'm discovering how incredibly dangerous living as a victim can be. Now, that's not to say that there aren't instances when people really do hurt us. However, generally when we insist on carrying the hurt and holding a grudge, we become a victim twice, and that is OUR responsibility, not the person who hurt us.
What if it's not a person that's afflicting us? What if it's an illness (mental or physical), or a deep rooted weakness we believe will have control over us our whole lives? Or some trauma that happened to us years ago? I think these things are even easier to fall victim to because they are often with us everyday, seemingly with great power, and they appear to hold us back from being who we want to be. It's easy to start making excuses for why we can't do this or that, or why we can get away with this thing or that other thing because of our struggle.
I understand this temptation all too well, but I also know that it is so important to fight it! I'm beginning to realize that I'm totally responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, no matter what foes may be at my doorstep or inside my own body or mind. As a result I'm no longer a victim, but an active creator of my own experience, a being to "act for [myself] and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26). Remembering to let go of expectations and be Christ-reliant will help us to step out of the victim mindset without stepping into stressed out I-have-to-do-it-all mode. It's a delicate balance, but with practice it can be found!
I'm not suggesting that our struggles will evaporate if we dissolve our victim mindset. What I'm saying is that they will no longer hold the power.
We will.
So go out there and start taking responsibility for those situations in which you feel some improvement could be made. It'll work wonders in your life and in the lives of others.
Tell next time,
~Kamie
Could I be wrong?
With divine help, I humbled myself enough to admit that there was a possibility that I might be wrong (aka she might be right), and rather than getting defensive I chose to apologize instead.
Some of you are probably thinking that sounds crazy. Why would throw themself under the bus like that? We should stand up for ourselves, shouldn't we?
I'm here to tell you that if you stand up for yourself by blaming someone else, it will backfire every time. Regardless of who's fault you perceive something to be, there is always something YOU are responsible for. Take responsibility for it. (This is not to say you bury yourself under so much shame that you stop functioning. For more on this, see this post on shame.) And, if you want to have an even greater positive influence, be a leader and take responsibility for the other person's half of the blame, too. Why? Because they cannot be defensive unless they are being blamed. And if they are not defensive then their consciences will be more clear, and soon they will be able to see the truth for themselves. When we are genuine (and vulnerable!) and accept responsibility for our mistakes, it invites others to do the same.
What does this have to do with perfectionists? Well, something I was shocked to discover when I took an honest look at myself was that my need to protect my "perfect" idea of myself was causing hurt and conflict in my life. Why? Because I was justifying my behavior or finding someone else to take the blame rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I learned this lesson from one of my all time favorite books Bonds that Make Us Free, a must read! I also love this quote from Elder Renlund's talk Repentance: A Joyful Choice:
"Blaming others, even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By doing so, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and the ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."
Blaming a person or a situation for our actions is futile. For that reason the word "fault" no longer exists in my vocabulary. Instead I'll ask myself: "Who's responsibility is that?" Usually it falls on me, but that has become empowering to me rather than debilitating because it means I have the power to impact the situation and make it better!
In my conflict with my friend, my perfectionism might've looked like me becoming defensive. In other aspects of my life, it might look like me acting the part of the victim. I'm discovering how incredibly dangerous living as a victim can be. Now, that's not to say that there aren't instances when people really do hurt us. However, generally when we insist on carrying the hurt and holding a grudge, we become a victim twice, and that is OUR responsibility, not the person who hurt us.
What if it's not a person that's afflicting us? What if it's an illness (mental or physical), or a deep rooted weakness we believe will have control over us our whole lives? Or some trauma that happened to us years ago? I think these things are even easier to fall victim to because they are often with us everyday, seemingly with great power, and they appear to hold us back from being who we want to be. It's easy to start making excuses for why we can't do this or that, or why we can get away with this thing or that other thing because of our struggle.
I understand this temptation all too well, but I also know that it is so important to fight it! I'm beginning to realize that I'm totally responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, no matter what foes may be at my doorstep or inside my own body or mind. As a result I'm no longer a victim, but an active creator of my own experience, a being to "act for [myself] and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26). Remembering to let go of expectations and be Christ-reliant will help us to step out of the victim mindset without stepping into stressed out I-have-to-do-it-all mode. It's a delicate balance, but with practice it can be found!
I'm not suggesting that our struggles will evaporate if we dissolve our victim mindset. What I'm saying is that they will no longer hold the power.
We will.
So go out there and start taking responsibility for those situations in which you feel some improvement could be made. It'll work wonders in your life and in the lives of others.
Tell next time,
~Kamie
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