Whited Sepulchers

I know you're wondering about us, so let me reassure you quickly that life is good! I know the Lord has guided us here to Pendleton, OR, we're making friends, Emma loves her preschool, Nate loves his job, we've got new callings, I'm starting work as health coach, etc. We have our struggles and stresses, too, so all in all we're human! 

At least one person has to have their eyes closed! Haha :)

I've had something on my heart that I want to have a conversation about, though, and that's Perfectionism. 

What does this have to do with me? Well, I woke up one day - I was probably 11 or 12 - and found I could no longer accept anything less than perfection. I don't know what caused my fear of failure or my excessive insecurity and need to please, but it came anyway, and it's a much a part of me today as my own flesh, if not more so. In fact, it's so deeply rooted in my mind that it colors the world around me, affecting everything from how I interpret others' actions to how I react to them. 

This is the part where I say: Hi, I'm Kamie, and I'm a perfectionist. 

Because much like an addiction, perfectionism can break hearts, destroy progress, and become nearly impossible to overcome.

We all have our battles. 

This is my mine.

And I will win. 

My weapon, of course, is knowledge. But we'll get to that in a minute. First, I want to give you an example of what this has looked like for me. Here's a story that comes from the 9th grade. 

Two boys in my math class teased me about not playing sports. Did they care that I had the best grade in the class? No. I went home sulking, and the next day I changed my schedule, signing up for track. I ended up dreading our weekly track meets with a severity that left me sick to my stomach. That dread came from a fear that I would mess up and that everyone would be watching when I did. Needless to say, when we later moved to Utah I did not sign up for track again despite that fact that, except for the meets, it had been one of the best experiences of my life. 

As you can see, I was trapped by my fears. I didn't understand what was happening to me - couldn't see that I was paralyzed, so I hobbled on, convinced that the only way to live was to convince everyone that I had everything under control and to never take risks that were too big.

Needless to say, becoming a parent and putting a husband through dental school, among other things, has humbled me, and I'm beginning to see my perfectionism for what it really is - a prideful roadblock to my success and true happiness. As a result, I've issued war on my perfectionism. 

My first offensive strike began with gathering knowledge. As part of this I was inspired to pick up the Fishers of Men series by Gerald Lund, which chronicles the life of Christ. I've learned that Christ was fearless, unwavering in His defense of truth, and incredibly compassionate. You know what he wasn't, though?

He was perfect, but he wasn't a perfectionist.

Perfectionism is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness. 

I'd like to add to this definition some research from Carol Dweck's Mindset. Perfectionists have a FIXED mindset, meaning we define our worth based on what we're capable of doing (or how we look or what we've accomplished, etc.). We are either good or bad, talented or not, capable or not, beautiful or not, etc. Not only that, but we're constantly on guard, looking for every opportunity to prove to others that we really are good, smart, talented, etc. because if they don't believe it, we can't believe it either. 

I learned in Fishers of Men that Christ doesn't assign our worth this way, nor does He expect perfection now. The story of the woman taken in adultery is a good example. He refused to condemn her! Instead He lovingly gave her the opportunity to "go and sin no more." 

So here's what's been consuming me: Who DID Christ condemn? Not the woman taken in adultery, not the tax collectors, not even the oppressive Romans. No, Christ condemned those who were outwardly the most righteous and highly regarded of Jewish society, those who seemed to have it all: 

The scribes and the Pharisees. 

This scripture has been playing over and over again in my head:

"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanliness." - Matt 23: 27

Ouch! I read that and instantly wonder: Is that what I've been striving for? Is this me!? 

For those of you who ask this same question, take a stroll with me. I want to analyze this further. 

My first reaction to this was: Oh no, that is me! Why? Because of those days when I somehow manage to put on a smile, be social, and do right by the people around me despite feeling just downright awful inside about all of my inadequacies and my mistakes. Heavenly Father knows I'm not perfect! But I still get the happy pic up on Facebook despite that fact that I've fallen short about a hundred times that day.

I've decided that I don't think it's this type of "putting up a good front" that Christ was referring to when He spoke of whited sepulchers, though we do have to be cautious - optimistically honest you could call it. We don't have to be perfect in order to smile or to post on Instagram. Sometimes all we can do is fake it till we make it, and that's okay. What matters is our motive. Are we seeking to impress the people around us or are we seeking to invest in the people around us???? 

Bringing it back to the previous metaphor, are we like the Pharisees who were motivated by the glory of men when they performed their good deeds, or are we like the Savior who suffered in Gethsemane with dignity, grace, and humility, seeking no glory or praise for completing the most important act of all time? 

I've had to conclude that it's not always ostentatious pride that drives us to hide our weaknesses beneath a wall of whited plaster. There may be something more complicated going on here. 

Perhaps we're simply afraid of our weaknesses and what people will think of us? Perhaps another definition of perfectionism is a manic fight against vulnerability. 

Let me share a quote from an expert, Brene Brown, PhD, who's research deals directly with this idea. She, like many of us perfectionists, set out to destroy weakness only to discover that VULNERABILITY, not strength, breeds the most content people and the most intimate relationships: 

"It is so profoundly dangerous [that] we are losing our tolerance for vulnerability...vulnerability is absolutely at the core of fear and anxiety and shame and very difficult emotions that we all experience. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, of love, of belonging, of creativity, of faith. And so it becomes very problematic when as a culture we lose our capacity to be vulnerable." -Dr. Brene Brown

Brene on the Power of Vulnerability

My friends, I know it's difficult to choose vulnerability in light of the fact that our society doesn't value vulnerability, but it's a calculated sacrifice. We know the reward - deeper relationships - outweighs any social awkwardness that may come. So, like Morrie teaches in Tuesdays with Morrie, if the culture is broken, don't buy it. Have the courage to hop off the bandwagon. Be courageous. Stop caring what people will think. 

Be your beautiful, flawed self! 

This is my attempt to do just that. 

In closing, let's take a lesson from the inspired program of Alcoholic's Anonymous. They teach that the first step to overcoming an addiction is admitting that we're powerless to overcome it on our own and that we need the help of a higher power. 

Isn't that beautiful!? To completely surrender, to fully accept vulnerability, and then the miracle happens - they get better! They withstand the weakness, though it, like many of the trials we may face, may never leave them fully. Still, they're able to move forward and live a happier life, something that would've been impossible without surrendering to their own vulnerability and turning to a higher power for strength. 

According to The Power of Habit, one of the keys to AA's success is SHARING their experiences with others and forming a support group. There's no covering up their weaknesses and hiding them from those who would help. Why? Because they know that doesn't work! Whited sepulchers will struggle to overcome their weaknesses because the truth is we cannot do it alone! I know this because I have tried, and it only lead to more heartache! 

That leads me to make a confession, or rather an apology. I see now that I had many opportunities to share - to connect - but I chose not to, instead projecting a false image of myself - the image of the person I wanted people to believe I was. In most cases, I wasn't even fully aware I was doing this, but I am now, and I can see that in my secrecy I'd only been able to muddle on without the support I needed. This was a problem, but my actions did not just affect me. In retrospect I'm realizing that I've unintentionally hurt others. In trying to appear perfect I on occasion wounded those who suffered with a similar affliction, making them feel like they were falling behind in this manic game of being "perfect." 

So I apologize. In truth, there are many of you who have inspired and taught me without knowing it, and I am extremely grateful for you, even in - no, especially in - your imperfection. 

Thanks for reading! 

Look for more tips for perfectionists to come!

~Kamie