Helps for Perfectionists: Focus on Joy

Today is James' birthday, so it's fitting that Motto # 9 is about joy. Even from the womb, this little guy has radiated true happiness, and it's from him that I'm learning about joy. 

Before we go there, though, we're coming close to the end of this series of posts, and I'd like to review our journey thus far. 

James with his favorite things: "Pizza" jammies
and toast with Grandma's freezer jam. 

First off, we talked about how even the best of us can get so caught up in appearing good that we forget to actually be good. A perfectionist and a whited sepulcher are not what they seem, though convincing ourselves of this is often hard to do. That's part of the reason why, though a perfectionist does many a good thing, they seldom feel the benefits that would come if their actions were more genuine. It just so happens that one of those benefits is JOY, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The next step on our journey, after admitting that we had a problem, was taking a step back and reevaluating our look on life. We traded in our expectations for healthy goals, then we reminded ourselves of who we are and why we are here on this earth. Wearing our helmet of salvation, we moved forward in our quest, grabbing our greatest weapon and protection, our Savior. With Him by our side, and with the ever important ingredient of humility, we realized that we are far greater when we are Christ-reliant, and we received a heavy helping of comfort, too. 

Our next step was taking the deep delve into the world of conscience, which probably gave us all a headache. What we learned, though, was that often times we convince ourselves that we are right or justified when we are not. Usually, this kind of self-deception is paired with negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, resentment, pride, or seeing ourselves as a victim. Darkness follows, and we perfectionists mistakenly believe that if we work harder and force ourselves to be better, at least on the surface, the disappointment will end. However, this method will not work. The problem: Perfectionism is itself a product of the confused conscience for two reasons. First, it is driven by shame rather than genuine guilt, which means no real change or repentance can occur. Second, when we aren't busy getting down on ourselves, we're often defending our beliefs and actions because we are desperate to prove that we are not wrong - because we know all too well that being wrong is not acceptable to someone who cares more about how they are perceived than about who they truly are inside. But we must remember that the "Lord looketh on the heart."

As the wise have already learned, though, it isn't until we accept the vulnerability of possibly being wrong that we can ever truly thrive or build healthy relationships. That's why we explored taking responsibility for our actions, and being willing to first ask ourselves "Am I wrong?" anytime a conflict presents itself, which as we all know, happens nearly everyday. With this attitude, we moved forward with a heavy burden removed from our shoulders, and with the power to make things better in our relationships with God and man. 

Next, we removed the lie from our minds that our worth is based on what we can "earn" with our own two hands. We remembered that our worth is eternal, and that God, not us, is responsible for all the blessings we receive in this life. From there, we were able to forgive ourselves for being human, and turned our thoughts toward pleasing God, not our bank account or our fellow men. With our new found trust in a higher power for our support, we started living in faith rather than fear and scarcity. 

Our last step so far was examining our priorities, and asking ourselves what we're truly after. We discovered that there are all sorts of "businesses" we can give our efforts to that will not satisfy. Since few can say it better than Dickens, let's remind ourselves what our true business is by looking at what the Ghost of Jacob Marley said to Scrooge that Christmas when his heart was so radically changed. Marley declared with deep regret, "Mankind was my business. The common welfare my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the ocean of my business!"

Lest we arrive at the end with the same regrets, let's put things in their proper place. For me, this means God first, then my family, then my neighbor. Sacrificing for Nate or the kids isn't hard anymore when I have my heart set on the right things. Instead, it fulfills me. Motherhood becomes a great JOY, as does paying tithing, or serving in my calling, or making dinner and wiping up every sticky inch of the house after the kids have eaten yet again. It's marvelous how simply changing what we've set our hearts on can have such dramatic results! Open yourself up to this change. Pray for it. 

I don't know if you noticed it, but JOY was one of the main themes from the last General Conference. There were 119 references to joy, and those words were exactly what I needed to hear, because like some of you perfectionists out there, I was starting to believe that I would only be happy if.....If so and so treated me better, or if my kids were more obedient, or if we made more money, etc. But holding ourselves back by the "ifs" of life is hardly a way to move forward. We need a different path. 

President Nelson showed us that such a path exists when he said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening - or not happening - in our lives."

So what is the path to joy? Well, put simply, I think it begins with the stone of faith in Jesus Christ, is followed by the bridge of hope that we will be redeemed, and is completed by the consuming river of love we then feel for God, our Savior, and for our fellow men. 

What I'm teaching here isn't anything new, but sometimes we want to look past the simple and seek for something more complex. However, the way is not wide with complexity, but narrow, consisting only of those few eternal truths that will lead us to eternal happiness. What's complex is not God's plan, but us humans. One of our complexities is our intolerance for vulnerability, and the millions of ways it can get us in trouble. We've explored some of those ways in previous posts. What we need to examine now is how our fear of vulnerability is one of the fastest ways we nip joy in the butt and dish ourselves up a huge plate of misery instead. 

Of course, I'm quoting Brene Brown again! She believes that joy is the emotion we are most terrified of! Why? Because if we have it, that means we can lose it, and that means we are vulnerable, which of course scares us to death. What if we lost that person we love, or the career that brings us fulfillment, or that feeling we get when we allow ourselves to admit we are loved by God? How would we survive it? 

Brene and Opra on Joy

Here's the difference between the natural man instinct and the person who is willing to take a risk on doing things God's way. The natural man runs from joy, but the man who fears God above all else leans into joy, allowing it to make him stronger and more able to overcome the opposition he faces. 

In the above video, Brene says that she's never interviewed someone who could embrace vulnerability and lean into joy who was not practicing gratitude. Gratitude is the food of joy. It is contentment with what we already have that prevents competition and envy from sweeping in and swallowing us up in a cycle of scarcity. It is gratitude toward God and all He has done for us that allows us to live in abundance and joy. 

But we have to chose it. 

Each moment presents us with the option of seeing the good or the bad, and maybe seeing the bad, or the lack, is such a habit that you don't even realize you are doing it, but starting now you can consciously choose gratitude - to see the beauty and abundance rather than what you think may be missing. 

This scripture reminds me how important gratitude is: 

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." 

President Nelson said, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." I believe that this is true. Over the last few years, I've really begun to see how each of God's commandments are meant to guide us to a blessing. For example, I recently learned the power of turning away from envy and choosing love and contentment instead. I can tell you of the misery I felt when I chose to be envious, but even more powerful is the blessing of peace that comes from choosing to follow God's commandment to not covet. I wonder if this explains why God is so offended when we do not practice gratitude and obedience. Is it because He loves us and wants us to be happy, but knows we cannot unless we follow the path He's laid out for us? Is it because God understands that in order to feel joy, we must make faith and gratitude our focus?

I think the answer is yes, and it answers the question of what our business should be. Not approval, not success even, but faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, and the joy that follows. 

This was the advice President Nelson gave in his talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival," which is so wonderful that I have to quote a portion of it here:

How, then, can we claim that joy? We can start by “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith” “in every thought.” We can give thanks for Him in our prayers and by keeping covenants we’ve made with Him and our Heavenly Father. As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us, our joy will increase.

Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power into our lives. As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!

And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.

Wow! Now don't be fooled, there were negative things Christ could've focused on: the pain He endured, the mockery of those who didn't believe Him, the power He had to stop it all but was commanded not to use. Oh, yes, Christ, had he been like us, could've been swallowed up by anger or despair, but He chose to focus on joy, and in the end, He triumphed. 

Focusing on joy can give us the courage to repent, to change, and to start living according to the natural laws (I.E. God's commandments) that are guaranteed to bring us joy when obeyed with a willing heart. I hope we can all get back to the joy we were meant to experience in this life. For we know that "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

All my love, 

Kamie