My heart is pained because I know there are so many people out there (myself included) who are suffering when we don't need to be. Part of my personal suffering over the years has been a result of my conscience, which, I'm now learning, is not always an accurate guide (I'll explain why this is SOOOO significant in my next post).
I'll be the first to admit that I have a hyperactive conscience. Often, I find myself feeling bad about things I really don't need to feel bad about. I even sometimes feel guilty even when I've been trying to do the right thing!
I used to get so frustrated with myself over this. I would look at others and wonder why they didn't seem to be feeling bad about every little mistake like I did....There was a blessing in this - I really had to learn to turn to Christ for help in carrying my unwarranted burden - still, for a lot of perfectionists, I think it's time we cleared up our consciences a little bit.
This is a complicated topic, so it's going to take me two posts to cover it all, but we'll start with something basic with motto #4, which is to know the difference between guilt and shame. As perfectionists, we can sometimes get the two confused, and that can lead to all sorts of problems. One of those problems is that we experience more than our fair share of shame.
So what exactly is shame? Brene Brown defines it as an "intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
Ouch! Did you feel that? I bet you just thought of a reason why you feel you may not be worthy of love and belonging. I know you did because all humans (aside from sociopaths) feel shame.
Let's take a closer look at this monster lurking inside us, waiting to gulp up any chance we have at believing we're worthy of love.
First, shame is self-focused, meaning that when we experience it, our thoughts turn toward ourselves and what others think of us. Remember that as perfectionists we think we need others to love us or approve of us so that we can love and approve of ourselves (something we've begun to work on by having an eternal mindset, which I talk about in an earlier post). This need for approval makes shame all the more palpable for us.
Shame is also excruciating because it tries to define us. It says, "I AM bad," and we either believe it's message or set about justifying why it is false. Both methods are classic ways that perfectionists become trapped in our plastered whited sepulchers (more on this in the next post!).
Then what is guilt?
Guilt is other's focused. We feel guilt when we mistreat others because we are concerned about them, not about ourselves. Guilt does not define us, but rather our actions. It says, "I BEHAVED badly." Guilt drives us to change because we want to not because we "should" or "ought to." Guilt carries with it hope beyond the horizon, where shame carries only pain.
You could also say that guilt is about what Christ thinks of us. True guilt is the "godly sorrow" we read about in 2 Corinthians 7:10: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death."
After learning the difference between guilt and shame, I'm realizing that a lot of the time I thought I was feeling guilty, I was actually experiencing unnecessary shame. I was allowing others' expectations for me to hijack my conscience, twisting things until I could not tell the difference between right and wrong, essential and nonessential, and really, the real me and the fake, plastered image of me. This is how I've lived for a long time, but if something is making you miserable, change it!
That's why I'm getting to the bottom of this, and I'm grateful for all of you who are along for the ride :)
Going off of the above scripture, I believe that the "sorrow of the world" which "worketh death" is likely shame, and Brene Brown's research helps to confirm my hypothesis. She's found that guilt is a healthy emotion. It leads us to say, "I'm sorry," which is actually LESS painful for us than shame, which leads us to either fight or flee, both of which are states of high anxiety. Shame is also directly correlated with a full spectrum of human problems from depression to addiction, where guilt is inversely correlated with them (meaning those who experience guilt instead of shame don't experience these problems as often).
We all have moments when we've made a mistake and need to apologize or repent, and the guilt we feel motivates us to follow through with those actions that will heal us. Shame, on the other hand, does not guide us toward correct behavior. If we allow it to move in and make it's home in our hearts, it will cloud our minds and fill us with dread, even causing us to do extreme things in our attempt to make the pain of the shame go away.
So how do we choose guilt over shame?
All people will experience shame, and especially when we make an attempt to be more open and vulnerable we will find shame lurking in the shadows trying to talk us out of it. The key is that when we experience shame we make an effort to stop thinking about ourselves long enough that we can see things from other people's point of view. Sometimes this opens the door for guilt, other times it allows us to see that there was no legitimate reason for feeling ashamed in the first place (because what they think of us does not influence our worth!). Either way, we've stepped out of the trap inside our minds and are now more capable of handling the situation in a healthy way.
I know this strategy won't work in every situation, and my perfectionist self is telling me not to publish this post because it isn't perfect. However, I do believe that we take a HUGE step in the right direction when we stop making ourselves the focus of our own attention.
One more tip. Shame is not necessarily bad. It's like fear - we will all experience it. The problem isn't feeling shame (to feel no shame at all we would have to harden our hearts completely), the problem is when we LISTEN to shame. In other words, the problem comes when we either believe we have to change who we are to deserve love or to hide the thing we're ashamed of from the world so we can cheat shame and still be loved.
Listening to shame is dangerous. Sometimes we allow it to drive us insane. Other times we grow desperate enough to throw ourselves away and try to become someone else. But we are who we are!!!!!!!!!!!!! If we want to change for ourselves, for God, or because we legitimately feel guilty and believe it's correct to change, then by all means we should CHANGE! But if we're changing because of shame, we're not being ourselves and any love we receive because of that change is false and will not truly make us feel satisfied anyway.
I know that's harsh, but it's true. Please be yourself! Only you can do what you're meant to do, but you can't do that if you're busy being someone else, or if the real you is so deeply hidden that no one even knows who you are.
Like the man in the arena covered in sweat and blood, it is better to have LIVED than it is to have spent your whole life pretending. Win or lose, just be alive :)
One last thing before I close. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't escape the sting of shame. My advice for all of us is that when we can't let go of the shame of whatever our weaknesses may be, we allow Christ to swallow it up for us. When this happens, we open up to the possibilities of accepting ourselves as we are right now, but more on that in another post ;)
I'll be the first to admit that I have a hyperactive conscience. Often, I find myself feeling bad about things I really don't need to feel bad about. I even sometimes feel guilty even when I've been trying to do the right thing!
I used to get so frustrated with myself over this. I would look at others and wonder why they didn't seem to be feeling bad about every little mistake like I did....There was a blessing in this - I really had to learn to turn to Christ for help in carrying my unwarranted burden - still, for a lot of perfectionists, I think it's time we cleared up our consciences a little bit.
This is a complicated topic, so it's going to take me two posts to cover it all, but we'll start with something basic with motto #4, which is to know the difference between guilt and shame. As perfectionists, we can sometimes get the two confused, and that can lead to all sorts of problems. One of those problems is that we experience more than our fair share of shame.
So what exactly is shame? Brene Brown defines it as an "intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
Ouch! Did you feel that? I bet you just thought of a reason why you feel you may not be worthy of love and belonging. I know you did because all humans (aside from sociopaths) feel shame.
Let's take a closer look at this monster lurking inside us, waiting to gulp up any chance we have at believing we're worthy of love.
First, shame is self-focused, meaning that when we experience it, our thoughts turn toward ourselves and what others think of us. Remember that as perfectionists we think we need others to love us or approve of us so that we can love and approve of ourselves (something we've begun to work on by having an eternal mindset, which I talk about in an earlier post). This need for approval makes shame all the more palpable for us.
Shame is also excruciating because it tries to define us. It says, "I AM bad," and we either believe it's message or set about justifying why it is false. Both methods are classic ways that perfectionists become trapped in our plastered whited sepulchers (more on this in the next post!).
Then what is guilt?
Guilt is other's focused. We feel guilt when we mistreat others because we are concerned about them, not about ourselves. Guilt does not define us, but rather our actions. It says, "I BEHAVED badly." Guilt drives us to change because we want to not because we "should" or "ought to." Guilt carries with it hope beyond the horizon, where shame carries only pain.
You could also say that guilt is about what Christ thinks of us. True guilt is the "godly sorrow" we read about in 2 Corinthians 7:10: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death."
After learning the difference between guilt and shame, I'm realizing that a lot of the time I thought I was feeling guilty, I was actually experiencing unnecessary shame. I was allowing others' expectations for me to hijack my conscience, twisting things until I could not tell the difference between right and wrong, essential and nonessential, and really, the real me and the fake, plastered image of me. This is how I've lived for a long time, but if something is making you miserable, change it!
That's why I'm getting to the bottom of this, and I'm grateful for all of you who are along for the ride :)
Going off of the above scripture, I believe that the "sorrow of the world" which "worketh death" is likely shame, and Brene Brown's research helps to confirm my hypothesis. She's found that guilt is a healthy emotion. It leads us to say, "I'm sorry," which is actually LESS painful for us than shame, which leads us to either fight or flee, both of which are states of high anxiety. Shame is also directly correlated with a full spectrum of human problems from depression to addiction, where guilt is inversely correlated with them (meaning those who experience guilt instead of shame don't experience these problems as often).
We all have moments when we've made a mistake and need to apologize or repent, and the guilt we feel motivates us to follow through with those actions that will heal us. Shame, on the other hand, does not guide us toward correct behavior. If we allow it to move in and make it's home in our hearts, it will cloud our minds and fill us with dread, even causing us to do extreme things in our attempt to make the pain of the shame go away.
So how do we choose guilt over shame?
All people will experience shame, and especially when we make an attempt to be more open and vulnerable we will find shame lurking in the shadows trying to talk us out of it. The key is that when we experience shame we make an effort to stop thinking about ourselves long enough that we can see things from other people's point of view. Sometimes this opens the door for guilt, other times it allows us to see that there was no legitimate reason for feeling ashamed in the first place (because what they think of us does not influence our worth!). Either way, we've stepped out of the trap inside our minds and are now more capable of handling the situation in a healthy way.
I know this strategy won't work in every situation, and my perfectionist self is telling me not to publish this post because it isn't perfect. However, I do believe that we take a HUGE step in the right direction when we stop making ourselves the focus of our own attention.
One more tip. Shame is not necessarily bad. It's like fear - we will all experience it. The problem isn't feeling shame (to feel no shame at all we would have to harden our hearts completely), the problem is when we LISTEN to shame. In other words, the problem comes when we either believe we have to change who we are to deserve love or to hide the thing we're ashamed of from the world so we can cheat shame and still be loved.
Listening to shame is dangerous. Sometimes we allow it to drive us insane. Other times we grow desperate enough to throw ourselves away and try to become someone else. But we are who we are!!!!!!!!!!!!! If we want to change for ourselves, for God, or because we legitimately feel guilty and believe it's correct to change, then by all means we should CHANGE! But if we're changing because of shame, we're not being ourselves and any love we receive because of that change is false and will not truly make us feel satisfied anyway.
I know that's harsh, but it's true. Please be yourself! Only you can do what you're meant to do, but you can't do that if you're busy being someone else, or if the real you is so deeply hidden that no one even knows who you are.
Like the man in the arena covered in sweat and blood, it is better to have LIVED than it is to have spent your whole life pretending. Win or lose, just be alive :)
One last thing before I close. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't escape the sting of shame. My advice for all of us is that when we can't let go of the shame of whatever our weaknesses may be, we allow Christ to swallow it up for us. When this happens, we open up to the possibilities of accepting ourselves as we are right now, but more on that in another post ;)
Brene on Listening to Shame
All my love,
~Kamie
All my love,
~Kamie
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