Helps for Perfectionists: We're All Still Learning

Well, we've got another move under our belt (our fifth in six years of marriage), a home to call ours, an official kindergartner, a little man learning to use the potty, and a baby 38 out of 40 weeks baked. Needless to say, we've been a little busy! In all this busyness, though, I've been able to catch a glimpse of just how far I've come on this journey of overcoming perfectionism. I have my moments where those old instincts start to take over again (especially when I'm feeling afraid or vulnerable), but at the very least I'm able to recognize when this is happening now rather than becoming stuck in a rut I don't know how to get out of. 

For example, owning our first house has been an incredible blessing and adventure, but it's also been the perfect storm for a perfectionist. Let's face it, it takes time and money to get things situated how you want them in a new home, both of which are limited resources. We decided to paint the whole inside of the house, and of course there were several colors that didn't turn out like I wanted. Ugh! But this is a blessing in disguise, because now I have the chance to look at those imperfect walls everyday and gradually desensitize myself to the imperfection. In other words, I'm forcing myself to accept that things will not always be exactly the way I want, and that it's okay. I can live with it. I can even learn to appreciate it and see it as beautiful.

Not getting sucked up in making my home "perfect" has been a constant challenge, and unfortunately there have been times when I've failed (did I seriously lose sleep over which bar stools to order?), but again this was a valuable lesson. I've been able to see the difference in my life between the times when I'm focused too much on the house and the times when I'm more focused on my Savior. It's like night and day. I am so much happier and feel the Spirit so much more in my life when I can step away from obsessing over perfection and focus on what matters most.

Best pals visiting during the eclipse

Motto #11 is we're all still learning.

I'll never forget an experience I had when we first moved here. I knew no one, we we're living out of suitcases and traveling each week to California for Nate's training, and James was going through the typical "I'm two so I'm going to hit you" phase. I had a couple of hours to kill before Nate would be back so I took the kids to the park. Of course, James hit one of the others kids there, and I prepared myself for the typical scorn mothers of accosted children give. Instead, the mom simply turned to her child and calmly explained, "It's okay. He's still learning."

I wanted to cry. This mom, a total stranger, showed James and I an example of Christlike mercy, but she also taught me an important life lesson. 

We are all still learning. 

That's why we're here. Not to prove to ourselves, others, or God that we are worthy (or that our house is good enough), but to learn how to be like Him and our Savior through everyday experiences and trials. All judgement, including the scorn that mom could've given us, is misplaced and futile. Perhaps someone we know hasn't yet learned a lesson that we feel they should know, but that doesn't matter, because they are still in their probationary state, preparing for the day when they will meet God, and so are we. 

This is where an important new perspective I've gained comes in. In the past few months I've felt strongly that my purpose in this life needs to be to LEARN and UPLIFT. All worthy goals relating to my family and the gospel can be pursued while seeking learning and opportunities to serve rather than perfect results and the opportunity to prove my worth. When I keep this perspective, I'm governed more by faith and love than by pride and perfectionism, and I grant myself the same mercy that the mom in the park offered: the chance to keep learning without judgement.

Today was testimony meeting, and I was pretty frustrated about being in church rather than being in the hospital holding my newborn baby. Still, I wanted to share my testimony, but I'd gotten in the habit of ignoring that feeling, and frankly, I wasn't feeling very brave. After all, I knew I would waddle the whole way up to the podium, and what if the unfathomable happened and my water broke while I was up there in front of the whole congregation!? 

I'd almost talked myself out of it, but then I got a prompting, the same one I've received repetitively since moving here. 

Kamie, it's not about you.

Wow, was I humbled. All of my worries were focused around myself and how others would view me, but that wasn't the picture Heavenly Father wanted me to see. He wanted me to see that I had felt prompted to bear my testimony because there was someone who, if I spoke the words given me by the Spirit, would be blessed by what I had to say. It truly wasn't about me at all.

This is a classic problem for most people, but especially perfectionists. We don't even realize it, but we spend so much of our mental energy calculating how we are perceived by others and what we therefore must do or not do in order to be judged the way we want to be judged. But there's a huge flaw in this: We aren't on this earth to judge or be judged by others! We're here to LEARN and to UPLIFT. 

When I feel myself getting sucked back into the perfectionist mindset, I remind myself of my life purpose and strive to make decisions that are in line with it. This changes everything for me. It takes me from being shy and socially anxious to being able to make friends and, I hope, uplift them. It takes me from being hard on myself and others to practicing compassion and forgiveness. It takes me from being terrified of doing something new to having the courage to try, etc.

Emma turned 5!

I know that when our focus is on Christ and on the lessons He's trying to teach us through the imperfections of life, we will be blessed with wisdom and knowledge that will not only bless our lives, but will allow us to inspire and strengthen others as well. And I know as we focus on the joy of learning and then uplifting, we will experience a new sense of freedom, leaving the shackles of needing things to be perfect laying broken at our feet.

All my love,

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Whatever's Real is Enough

Hello again! It's been awhile, but I'm ignoring the perfectionist voice in my mind telling me that I should quit writing just because I haven't been able to post in awhile. Wohoo!

 

So we're on tip #10: Whatever's Real Is Enough

First, I need to paint a clear picture of the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving. For some reason our culture has used these ideas interchangeably, but now that I've been through the turmoil of perfectionism, I can state equivocally that it is anything but healthy striving and goal setting. Why? The answer lies in this question: Where do I believe my worth comes from? 

If your answer is that your worth as a human being (and whether or not you should be loved or accepted by others) comes from your accomplishments or some other external measurable element (looks, number of friends, talents and abilities, money, etc) then you are at least in part a perfectionist (trust me on this). 

What's the alternative? you may ask. It is the belief that  your worth is both fixed (it cannot be altered by anything you or others do) and infinite (it cannot be measured by man nor is it greater or less than anyone else's worth). 

I now have a deep testimony that this second point of view is not only more healthy, but is also the truth! Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). Just like any eternal truth, we really have to believe this if we want to see the blessings of it in our lives. 

When we slip into the perfectionist state of mind, our worth becomes tied to our actions (you can see why this would lead to spikes in anxiety or hopelessness), and before we know it one little accomplishment is not enough to prove our worth. There is always more that can be expected of us (we see someone doing something desireable that we don't do and suddenly we feel as though we have to do it) and as a perfectionist it is difficult to set boundaries and say "enough is enough" or simply "that's great for them but I don't HAVE to have that in my life." 

Unfortunately, perfectionism is not satisfied with what is, and always needs something MORE in order to be "happy," but once we achieve that something more (nevermind the cost), it doesn't satisfy. We find that we are starving ourselves, chasing after things that will never really make us whole. 

Contrast that with this scripture found in 2 Nephi 9:51:

Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness. 

Are the things you're seeking after really going to satisfy you? I mean your soul, not your pride. Pride is easy to satisfy for a moment, but then it grows, and it gets hungrier, and before you know it you're sacrificing more and more of what you hold dear in order to feed your pride. 

I came across a definition of humility in Meg Meeker's The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers that has expanded my understanding greatly. I'll paraphrase it like this: Humility is having a correct understanding of your worth - not overvaluing OR undervaluing yourself. To me this means truly accepting that we are loved by God, and that we don't have to DO anything in order to earn this love. Being in a state of humility robs competition with others of it's seductive power. It will not ask for more and more, but will instead give you the strength you need in order to be who you really want to be - a true disciple of Christ - and your soul will be satisfied. 

 

Healthy striving starts with humility because when we are humble we are willing to ask God what He wants us to do and be, and then we can set goals and strive for those things, rather than for what we think will impress others (or what we think we HAVE to do in order to be "good enough"). Plus, we have His help along the way! Perfectionists will find that the road to perfection is lonely and fraught with frustration. Humble healthy strivers will have the spirit with them and Christ's enabling power to turn their weaknesses into strengths. Perfectionism is motivated by desperation and pride (because your very worth is on the line), where humble healthy striving is motivated by faith, hope, and a deep abiding joy that comes from knowing we are worthy of love and acceptance regardless of whether we succeed or fail. 

Okay, now that you see the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving, we can talk about one of the best antidotes of perfectionism - being REAL. 

Hitler is an extreme example of perfectionism, to be sure, but he is useful to use as an example here because the "ideal Nazi State" he campaigned for and murdered millions in order to achieve was nothing but smoke and mirrors. He was a master deceiver, controlling the newspapers and radios so that nothing negative could ever be leaked about what he was doing. Sadly, many were convinced that Hitler was good until it was far too late. This is the only way we can achieve "perfection" in this life - through trying to control others' perception of us. True perfection only comes through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and is a gift given after this life. 

Think about this smoke and mirrors issue. We wear clothing and make up. We cut our hair and style it. We live inside a house and drive inside cars. We hide behind our title at work, more often identifying by what it is that we "do" rather than by what we actually are. Even our body is only a shell, covering up the precious eternal part of us inside. All of this, though I understand it's purpose, is smoke and mirrors. It covers up what is most essentially US. We are not our clothes, hair, possessions, homes, careers, accomplishments, body, etc. We know this! Yet we allow ourselves to keep living the lie, to believe that our worth comes from these things when in fact, it does not. 

Why do we do this? Why do we get so tied down to things that will pass away and vanish and no longer mean a dang thing in eternity? Please do not be fooled! Mortality has very very few things that will be taken with us, and they are these: who we become (our knowledge and character traits), and our eternal family bonds. That's it! 

 

We need to understand what is real. We've all felt real moments. They are the times when we are fully present, not worrying about the past or the future, and are simply content to just BE. Nothing has to change. We watch our children play, and even though they are not perfect, we are grateful and content. We sit around the dinner table and laugh, and nothing else matters - not the fact that the meal was simple and the dishes need done - because we are together in that moment. It can happen when we work on a project as a family, letting the little ones help even though they don't do as good a job. It can happen when we're at work, when we finally finish a task because we let go of perfect and allowed our creative juices to start flowing again. 

I began to understand being REAL as I studied mindfulness, which can be simplified as the act of being present in the current moment without feeling the need to change anything - something a perfectionist almost never experiences. I like how Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, defines mindfulness. She says it's "taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not 'over-identify' with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity." So, we feel compassion toward ourselves in moments of sadness or insecurity rather than pulling out our to-do list and declaring "I've just got to pull it together." 

Mindfulness is also recognizing that we need not take every thought at face value. Many of our thoughts are lies. For example, as a perfectionist, I would have thoughts telling me that I wasn't good enough if I did not do this or that. I learned that these thoughts were incorrect, and I learned truths that I could use to defend myself against them, like what we discussed today about knowing where our worth truly comes from. And in a moment of stress or some other emotional discomfort, I learned not fight it, but rather allowed myself to experience it, being compassionate toward myself, until it left on its own.

I know this may sound a little strange. Who wants to stay in a moment of sadness rather than trying to make it stop? Our brains are hard wired to be in problem solving mode all the time, but the "doing mode" does not always benefit us, especially since it forces us to compare where we are now to where we would like to be, keeping us in a perpetual state of "Im not there yet" or "this isn't good enough." But that's what's so great about having a mind and having agency - we can change the way we think if we choose to. Having chosen to, and spending more time in "being mode" now, I can testify that I have experienced more joy and peace than I have during any time that I was in the throws of perfectionism. I've taken back what perfectionism stole from me, and I may not be as white a sepulcher, but I am more real than I have ever been. As a result, I respect sadness, as well as all other human emotions. They are all beautiful and worth experiencing. When we can love each moment, we are living real because we understand that life is only here for a short time, to be lived now, and then it will pass away. No accomplishment will change that, no perfect persona or body or reputation. We live real when we are okay with the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and will undoubtedly teach us a few hard lessons, but we love living it real anyway. 

 

This quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne is especially fitting. “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” I'm also reminded of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God."

I would add that happiness is understanding where we stand before God - that we are nothing and that He is everything - and being supremely content with that truth. What could be grander than being a tiny sliver of potential in an all-capable all-loving God's hands? When we know Him and trust Him, we are happy being imperfect mortals because we know that He will do the saving. He will end the poverty and the suffering. He will dry the tears and comfort the aching hearts. He will make the world beautiful, industrious, and full of life. Him. Not us. And we, in some small way, will be allowed to participate in that great work, and we are honored just to be His. We don't need to be anything but real and His.

Thank you,

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Focus on Joy

Today is James' birthday, so it's fitting that Motto # 9 is about joy. Even from the womb, this little guy has radiated true happiness, and it's from him that I'm learning about joy. 

Before we go there, though, we're coming close to the end of this series of posts, and I'd like to review our journey thus far. 

James with his favorite things: "Pizza" jammies
and toast with Grandma's freezer jam. 

First off, we talked about how even the best of us can get so caught up in appearing good that we forget to actually be good. A perfectionist and a whited sepulcher are not what they seem, though convincing ourselves of this is often hard to do. That's part of the reason why, though a perfectionist does many a good thing, they seldom feel the benefits that would come if their actions were more genuine. It just so happens that one of those benefits is JOY, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The next step on our journey, after admitting that we had a problem, was taking a step back and reevaluating our look on life. We traded in our expectations for healthy goals, then we reminded ourselves of who we are and why we are here on this earth. Wearing our helmet of salvation, we moved forward in our quest, grabbing our greatest weapon and protection, our Savior. With Him by our side, and with the ever important ingredient of humility, we realized that we are far greater when we are Christ-reliant, and we received a heavy helping of comfort, too. 

Our next step was taking the deep delve into the world of conscience, which probably gave us all a headache. What we learned, though, was that often times we convince ourselves that we are right or justified when we are not. Usually, this kind of self-deception is paired with negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, resentment, pride, or seeing ourselves as a victim. Darkness follows, and we perfectionists mistakenly believe that if we work harder and force ourselves to be better, at least on the surface, the disappointment will end. However, this method will not work. The problem: Perfectionism is itself a product of the confused conscience for two reasons. First, it is driven by shame rather than genuine guilt, which means no real change or repentance can occur. Second, when we aren't busy getting down on ourselves, we're often defending our beliefs and actions because we are desperate to prove that we are not wrong - because we know all too well that being wrong is not acceptable to someone who cares more about how they are perceived than about who they truly are inside. But we must remember that the "Lord looketh on the heart."

As the wise have already learned, though, it isn't until we accept the vulnerability of possibly being wrong that we can ever truly thrive or build healthy relationships. That's why we explored taking responsibility for our actions, and being willing to first ask ourselves "Am I wrong?" anytime a conflict presents itself, which as we all know, happens nearly everyday. With this attitude, we moved forward with a heavy burden removed from our shoulders, and with the power to make things better in our relationships with God and man. 

Next, we removed the lie from our minds that our worth is based on what we can "earn" with our own two hands. We remembered that our worth is eternal, and that God, not us, is responsible for all the blessings we receive in this life. From there, we were able to forgive ourselves for being human, and turned our thoughts toward pleasing God, not our bank account or our fellow men. With our new found trust in a higher power for our support, we started living in faith rather than fear and scarcity. 

Our last step so far was examining our priorities, and asking ourselves what we're truly after. We discovered that there are all sorts of "businesses" we can give our efforts to that will not satisfy. Since few can say it better than Dickens, let's remind ourselves what our true business is by looking at what the Ghost of Jacob Marley said to Scrooge that Christmas when his heart was so radically changed. Marley declared with deep regret, "Mankind was my business. The common welfare my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the ocean of my business!"

Lest we arrive at the end with the same regrets, let's put things in their proper place. For me, this means God first, then my family, then my neighbor. Sacrificing for Nate or the kids isn't hard anymore when I have my heart set on the right things. Instead, it fulfills me. Motherhood becomes a great JOY, as does paying tithing, or serving in my calling, or making dinner and wiping up every sticky inch of the house after the kids have eaten yet again. It's marvelous how simply changing what we've set our hearts on can have such dramatic results! Open yourself up to this change. Pray for it. 

I don't know if you noticed it, but JOY was one of the main themes from the last General Conference. There were 119 references to joy, and those words were exactly what I needed to hear, because like some of you perfectionists out there, I was starting to believe that I would only be happy if.....If so and so treated me better, or if my kids were more obedient, or if we made more money, etc. But holding ourselves back by the "ifs" of life is hardly a way to move forward. We need a different path. 

President Nelson showed us that such a path exists when he said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening - or not happening - in our lives."

So what is the path to joy? Well, put simply, I think it begins with the stone of faith in Jesus Christ, is followed by the bridge of hope that we will be redeemed, and is completed by the consuming river of love we then feel for God, our Savior, and for our fellow men. 

What I'm teaching here isn't anything new, but sometimes we want to look past the simple and seek for something more complex. However, the way is not wide with complexity, but narrow, consisting only of those few eternal truths that will lead us to eternal happiness. What's complex is not God's plan, but us humans. One of our complexities is our intolerance for vulnerability, and the millions of ways it can get us in trouble. We've explored some of those ways in previous posts. What we need to examine now is how our fear of vulnerability is one of the fastest ways we nip joy in the butt and dish ourselves up a huge plate of misery instead. 

Of course, I'm quoting Brene Brown again! She believes that joy is the emotion we are most terrified of! Why? Because if we have it, that means we can lose it, and that means we are vulnerable, which of course scares us to death. What if we lost that person we love, or the career that brings us fulfillment, or that feeling we get when we allow ourselves to admit we are loved by God? How would we survive it? 

Brene and Opra on Joy

Here's the difference between the natural man instinct and the person who is willing to take a risk on doing things God's way. The natural man runs from joy, but the man who fears God above all else leans into joy, allowing it to make him stronger and more able to overcome the opposition he faces. 

In the above video, Brene says that she's never interviewed someone who could embrace vulnerability and lean into joy who was not practicing gratitude. Gratitude is the food of joy. It is contentment with what we already have that prevents competition and envy from sweeping in and swallowing us up in a cycle of scarcity. It is gratitude toward God and all He has done for us that allows us to live in abundance and joy. 

But we have to chose it. 

Each moment presents us with the option of seeing the good or the bad, and maybe seeing the bad, or the lack, is such a habit that you don't even realize you are doing it, but starting now you can consciously choose gratitude - to see the beauty and abundance rather than what you think may be missing. 

This scripture reminds me how important gratitude is: 

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." 

President Nelson said, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." I believe that this is true. Over the last few years, I've really begun to see how each of God's commandments are meant to guide us to a blessing. For example, I recently learned the power of turning away from envy and choosing love and contentment instead. I can tell you of the misery I felt when I chose to be envious, but even more powerful is the blessing of peace that comes from choosing to follow God's commandment to not covet. I wonder if this explains why God is so offended when we do not practice gratitude and obedience. Is it because He loves us and wants us to be happy, but knows we cannot unless we follow the path He's laid out for us? Is it because God understands that in order to feel joy, we must make faith and gratitude our focus?

I think the answer is yes, and it answers the question of what our business should be. Not approval, not success even, but faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, and the joy that follows. 

This was the advice President Nelson gave in his talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival," which is so wonderful that I have to quote a portion of it here:

How, then, can we claim that joy? We can start by “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith” “in every thought.” We can give thanks for Him in our prayers and by keeping covenants we’ve made with Him and our Heavenly Father. As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us, our joy will increase.

Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power into our lives. As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!

And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.

Wow! Now don't be fooled, there were negative things Christ could've focused on: the pain He endured, the mockery of those who didn't believe Him, the power He had to stop it all but was commanded not to use. Oh, yes, Christ, had he been like us, could've been swallowed up by anger or despair, but He chose to focus on joy, and in the end, He triumphed. 

Focusing on joy can give us the courage to repent, to change, and to start living according to the natural laws (I.E. God's commandments) that are guaranteed to bring us joy when obeyed with a willing heart. I hope we can all get back to the joy we were meant to experience in this life. For we know that "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

All my love, 

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Know What Business You're In

I had a big aha! moment last week regarding agency. I'm the Primary Secretary in our ward here, and I love getting to work with these amazing kids! I also love relearning the basics of the gospel in our sharing time lessons each Sunday. This month we've been talking about agency - the precious gift from God that allows us to choose for ourselves. My aha! came when ruminating over a topic that a friend and I did not see eye to eye on. I found myself really trying to understand the topic and discover if I were wrong in my beliefs about it, but all my efforts came to no avail. I felt stuck, and I hated not knowing how to respond to my friend. Then it hit me: How does Heavenly Father feel when we do not see eye to eye with Him? I'm not sure I know the answer fully, but I do know that He does not take away our right to choose, even when He knows we are wrong. Isn't that amazing!? He knows everything, yet He allows us imperfect mortals to have free reign over our lives, and He allows us the freedom to create our own flawed societies, too. He allows us to live in a world sooooo far from perfect, and He doesn't change it. He doesn't even sit up there in heaven and stew over how much we're messing everything up. 

 

My mind's gears were spinning like crazy at this point as I realized who it was who in the beginning fought for and was determined to have a perfect world and perfectly obedient children. It was not our Father who loves us perfectly, nor the Son who became our Savior. No, it was the Son of the Morning who is now a fallen angel who fought hard for perfection, even to leading a third of the hosts of heaven with him to damnation. He craved perfection, and the glory it would bring him, so much that he gave up his soul for it. 

How sad is that!?

Now let me ask you: Are we following suit? Are we so focused on perfection that we've lost sight of what matters most?

I genuinely believe that most of us have our hearts set on good things. We never intended to become whited sepulchers. We never thought that in our attempts to do what we thought was best we were actually falling into a trap of our own making.

This is why knowledge is so important. Even the best of people can make themselves unhappy and be led far off the path they intended to travel if they don't understand what business they're in. There are counterfeits galore surrounding us, a million distractions to trick us into giving our lives away to a cause that isn't going to lead us to true eternal happiness. We must be careful, with our hands constantly on the iron rod, and most importantly with our hearts set on God. 

D&C 137:9 explains: For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts. Some choices we may make in this life are neutral, it's the desire or intent behind them that dictates whether they are good or bad. God's commandments steer us away from things He knows we are more likely to do when our desires are evil (murder, envy, adultery, etc). It's the state if our heart, though, that matters most to Him. So, that means that some acts that are considered good can be done with incorrect desires, a typical problem for a perfectionist (or any human being). This may be why you're not receiving the blessings you think you are due, even though you have wearied yourself out in well doing. 

Here's an example from the book Bonds that Make us Free that blew my mind: "We've all known a teenage beauty who's convinced she is hideous...Or a "supermom" keeping the family going by her indefatigable efforts and struggling to fight off depression over her inadequacies. The beauty would never have suspected herself hideous if she had not made her appearance a major issue by wishing to be gorgeous...The mother who doubted herself to the point of depression would not have sunk so far had she never gotten herself into the business of proving herself a "supermom." All of these people never would've imagined the possibility of their monstrousness if they had never tried to prove themselves impressive."

If you're a perfectionist you can totally relate to that! We are constantly in fear of being "found out" - that people will once an for all see us for who we really are. But guess what!? The beautiful girl wasn't actually hideous! She just thought she was because she was so obsessed with beauty! So what if we only think we are so imperfect and awful because we are so obsessed with perfection!? What if we're really amazing underneath all that paint and plaster we insist on carrying around as whited sepulchers?

Remember you are a child of God, and God doesn't create flawed things by accident! He has a unique purpose for you and for me. LIVE IT!

With that in mind, I've chosen to recommit to God's plan and the gift of agency, even if it means that myself and the world around me are going to be far from perfect for the time being. True it requires faith to see past the current and believe in the eternal where God has promised us that all will be made right and that through the Savior's atoning power we will eventually be made whole, but that faith is a necessary part of this probationary state. Just as faith with without works is dead, works without faith are equally as futile. 

 

All my love,

Kamie 

Helps for Perfectionists: Life Isn't About Deserving

Every time I start working on a new post, without fail, Heavenly Father does His best to drive home the principle I'm trying to learn and teach. For motto #5 - life isn't about deserving - the lesson came when I dropped my phone in the toilet - the last straw in a string of errors I'd made during a long and exhausting week - and I began tearing myself apart. Well, I'm pretty efficient at giving myself a hard time, and within a few hours I was feeling downright awful! I'd even convinced myself that I deserved my broken phone. 

 

This tip may seem to contradict the last one about taking responsibility  but they're not opposites. The difference is that we take responsibility for what we can control, and we give what we can't control up to the Lord, remembering not to define ourselves by our limitations or even our strengths. 

But boy, the chant of the Anti-Christ Korihor is ever alive today, telling us that "every man prosper(s) according to his genius, and every man conquer(s) according to his strength" (Alma 30:17). That's the chant I was listening to when I fell into the repetitive self-bludgeoning that made me feel so awful the other day. It was the lie that I had to earn my blessings (in this case, phone) that caused me to cry over spilled milk. 

So let me ask you a question. Do we believe this lie? Are we stuck in a belief that mankind exists in a state of survival of the fittest? Do we see ourselves in competition with those around us, and that only the most skilled, most attractive, or most _____ (you fill in the blank) will survive, or at least thrive? Do we believe that if we are weak, we deserve the suffering that befalls us, because if we were somehow stronger (less vulnerable) we could avoid it? 

I love the story of the man who was born blind, and Christ's response when asked the question: "Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Christ's answer was: "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God may be made manifest in him."

In this story we know what works of God Christ was referring to - He healed the man, and the man who was born blind received his sight. This miracle was further evidence that Christ was who He said He was. But what about in our lives? Do we accept that our weaknesses (or difficult life events) may not be our doing, but may be an opportunity for Christ's grace to operate in our lives? What if it isn't our current capabilities at all that determine what temporary and eternal reward we receive, but the power of an all-capable God who is on our side?

It's Christmas time, so of course I have to proclaim that Christ does want to work miracles in our lives! But are we getting in the way, wanting to solve things our way rather than asking what works God wants to manifest through us? Sometimes an immediate solution does not further His purpose, which of course is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Maybe God needs you to be vulnerable. If you're not sure, ask Him. 

As for me, I keep getting the prompting that I need to stop trying to earn blessings, love, or even money, because when I try to earn them, both they and joy elude me. Instead I need to trust in God. After all, we know that we cannot earn our salvation, for "since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings of death of Christ atone for [his] sins, through faith and repentance (Alma 22:13). 

Our good works are, simply put, evidence of our love for Christ. They do not earn us anything, and if we cannot earn the most pressing of all gifts God could give, what makes us think we are truly earning our own money, affection, etc.?

It's important to remember at this point that all things come from God, and blessings don't all come in one shape or size, but they do come when we follow Him, especially when we are humble, which is another way of saying vulnerable. 

Brene Brown (yes I know I quote her in every post!) believes that our intolerance for vulnerability originates from our belief in SCARCITY, the idea that there is not enough for us all. We can't all be happy, successful, loved, provided for, allowed past the gates of heaven, etc. therefore we must compete, leaving others trampled in our wake in order to get what we need. This belief is dangerous because it is self-fulfilling. As long as we believe that those around us are our competitors, we will not see them as God sees them and scarcity, not love and abundance, will be the result. 

On the other side of things, when I focus on gratitude, appreciating every small blessing that comes my way, and trust in the God that provides those blessings (part of trusting is following and obeying), I'll begin to live in a world of abundance. Blessings will flow. Relationships will flourish. An abundant life will replace scarcity when I finally believe that THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. 

Things get messy, too, when we mistakenly believe that we have to earn Christ's help and love! But we know that the nasty voice telling us, "You don't deserve it," is not from God. 

When I look back at my life I have more than enough evidence to state that Christ does not require us being a certain level of awesome before He's willing to help us. In fact, in the moments when I've been the most vulnerable and broken (and stopped denying that I needed help), the real miracles have occurred! One particularly rough time was in college. Though I hardly earned their help, dozens of people stepped forward and wrote me kind notes or were inspired to brighten my day in other ways. I also have memories of undeniable impressions from the Spirit guiding me in that hard time. On one occasion, it turned out that those impressions brought me to a place where when I met Nate, I was a new person; I was ME. And of course, now we're working on our happily ever after. 

The key here is that I wasn't perfect when I received that divine aid. I was as pathetic as I've ever been. I did not deserve grace, but still I was LOVED by a God who weeps with us in our despair, who takes the weak things of the world and makes us mighty in His work. Wow! When I think of the kind of love God has for us, I get all teary-eyed. Really? He loves me? Even me?

President Monson said, "Your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there...God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

I love the quote: Justice is getting what you deserve, Mercy is not getting what you deserve, and Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Certainly we will never deserve "all that the Father hath," but God has designed a plan including a Savior and mercy so that we can receive it regardless. What a gift!!!

Everyday is a working progress for me. I'm not perfect at these things yet, but I'm trying. Still, I know that when we stop trying to DESERVE and instead TRUST, more and more miracles will occur.

Merry Christmas,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Take Responsibility

This will be a short post because we covered a bit about taking responsibility in my last post about understanding our consciences. However, I cannot emphasize enough that the difference between those who have mastered this principle of personal responsibility and those who haven't is vast. Some call it maturity, but I call it taking back the power we may have unintentionally given to others to determine our response in any situation. 

Maturity is much shorter....haha :) 

Our first snow day in Pendleton! :)

Let me start with a story. Recently I've been going through somewhat of a conflict with a dear friend. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that both of us were feeling hurt about something, and at one point I felt as though she were blaming me. Now, what was my natural man response? To get defensive of course! It couldn't be my fault because I really was trying to be a good friend! At least that's how things looked from my perspective. But luckily I already knew that becoming defensive would in no way solve our conflict. Instead, I asked myself the question I mentioned we must all ask ourselves in my last post:

Could I be wrong?

With divine help, I humbled myself enough to admit that there was a possibility that I might be wrong (aka she might be right), and rather than getting defensive I chose to apologize instead. 

Some of you are probably thinking that sounds crazy. Why would throw themself under the bus like that? We should stand up for ourselves, shouldn't we? 

I'm here to tell you that if you stand up for yourself by blaming someone else, it will backfire every time. Regardless of who's fault you perceive something to be, there is always something YOU are responsible for. Take responsibility for it. (This is not to say you bury yourself under so much shame that you stop functioning. For more on this, see this post on shame.) And, if you want to have an even greater positive influence, be a leader and take responsibility for the other person's half of the blame, too. Why? Because they cannot be defensive unless they are being blamed. And if they are not defensive then their consciences will be more clear, and soon they will be able to see the truth for themselves. When we are genuine (and vulnerable!) and accept responsibility for our mistakes, it invites others to do the same. 

What does this have to do with perfectionists? Well, something I was shocked to discover when I took an honest look at myself was that my need to protect my "perfect" idea of myself was causing hurt and conflict in my life. Why? Because I was justifying my behavior or finding someone else to take the blame rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I learned this lesson from one of my all time favorite books Bonds that Make Us Free, a must read! I also love this quote from Elder Renlund's talk Repentance: A Joyful Choice:

"Blaming others, even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By doing so, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and the ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."

Blaming a person or a situation for our actions is futile. For that reason the word "fault" no longer exists in my vocabulary. Instead I'll ask myself: "Who's responsibility is that?" Usually it falls on me, but that has become empowering to me rather than debilitating because it means I have the power to impact the situation and make it better! 

In my conflict with my friend, my perfectionism might've looked like me becoming defensive. In other aspects of my life, it might look like me acting the part of the victim. I'm discovering how incredibly dangerous living as a victim can be. Now, that's not to say that there aren't instances when people really do hurt us. However, generally when we insist on carrying the hurt and holding a grudge, we become a victim twice, and that is OUR responsibility, not the person who hurt us. 

What if it's not a person that's afflicting us? What if it's an illness (mental or physical), or a deep rooted weakness we believe will have control over us our whole lives? Or some trauma that happened to us years ago? I think these things are even easier to fall victim to because they are often with us everyday, seemingly with great power, and they appear to hold us back from being who we want to be. It's easy to start making excuses for why we can't do this or that, or why we can get away with this thing or that other thing because of our struggle.

I understand this temptation all too well, but I also know that it is so important to fight it! I'm beginning to realize that I'm totally responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, no matter what foes may be at my doorstep or inside my own body or mind. As a result I'm no longer a victim, but an active creator of my own experience, a being to "act for [myself] and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26). Remembering to let go of expectations and be Christ-reliant will help us to step out of the victim mindset without stepping into stressed out I-have-to-do-it-all mode. It's a delicate balance, but with practice it can be found!

I'm not suggesting that our struggles will evaporate if we dissolve our victim mindset. What I'm saying is that they will no longer hold the power. 

We will. 

So go out there and start taking responsibility for those situations in which you feel some improvement could be made. It'll work wonders in your life and in the lives of others. 

Tell next time,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Understand your Conscience

Nanowrimo is over, and that means the blog is back! I didn't really intend to take such a long break, but I'm glad I did because I think this post is a great start for getting us all in the Christmas spirit. 

In my last post we started a discussion on conscience, which we desperately need to finish. So, once we've let go of expectations and have begun to understand the difference between guilt and shame, we have the opportunity to stop listening to the world and to follow our conscience. 

But this can be tricky for perfectionists. 

Why? According to one of my favorite books, Bonds that Make us Free, "a perfectionist's conscience cannot be satisfied." I like Warner's description that "to those of us in perfectionist mode, the world presents us with a barrage of 'moral' demands, and we consider ourselves members of a moral militia marching bedraggled but brave to the cadence of 'shoulds' and 'oughts' that we alone can hear. We are desperately anxious to prove that we are doing everything that might possibly be good to do, fearful we will not qualify as worthwhile if we pass up any chance to sacrifice ourselves. Hence we're perpetually exhausted." 

I can totally relate to that! I constantly struggle with juggling multiple demands for my attention (because it all HAS to be done!) and end up feeling guilty (or shamed) when I fumble, dropping the balls and making a mess of everything. But why was I trying to carry so much in the first place? Were my motives really pure when I decided to march to the beat of the perfectionist drum?

Honestly, I don't know, but if I've learned one thing in the last few years it's that sometimes even my own conscience cannot be trusted. Looking back with greater light and knowledge at my past, I can see clearly that I was often wrong when I was certain I was right. Or I thought I just HAD to do something, and I realized later that my priorities were actually not the best. 

Do any of you experience this? I feel as though I'm perpetually in a state of past-sight, but the current-sight and the foresight I so need remain aloof. 

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only one who has a tricky time figuring out conscience. There are a bazillion thought errors that can cause us to believe we are right (or wrong), when in fact we are not!

This single fact - the knowledge that our own personal compass can lead us astray - which Warner calls self-deception - is perhaps the root of a majority of the conflicts we get stuck in. But what is a recovering perfectionist like me supposed to do about this problem?

I believe the answer is far simpler than it seems. Let's begin with a scripture and go from there:

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." - 3 Nephi 11:29

I would like to add that not all contention appears in the form of anger. Actually, in my own experience I have struggled more with fear and anxiety. I cast others in the role of unrighteous judge when I fear what they think of me or that I will disappoint them. Sometimes this appears in the form of being afraid to ask for help when I need it. Or it can come in not wanting to hang out with friends because I'm worried I'm not ____ enough for them. Though it may seem different, I've discovered that this is the spirit of contention as well because it often leads to accusing feelings inside me, even if they are not voiced or end up directed at myself (as they often are for perfectionists). 

I've also noticed that when I'm feeling the spirit of contention, I'm usually thinking about myself, and it's harder to see things clearly or discern right from wrong correctly. 


Another problem we have with our consciences is that when we feel shamed, we often go about justifying why we should not have to feel bad. Guilt leads to repentance, but shame leads to further self-deception in the name of clearing our own names. What do I mean? We can almost always come up with a story that provides us with enough evidence to convince ourselves that we are not to blame, but the problem is that, in making ourselves the victim, we cast others in the role of the abuser, which is hardly fair to them. No wonder they may get defensive when we approach them as a victim! They never intended to be a villain at all!

So juxtapose the concept of the spirit of contention with this scripture: 

"For Charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." -Moroni 7:46-47

As a perfectionist, I bet you picked out that line "never faileth" and started doing a happy dance. We hate to fail!!!! But here's the tricky part: Charity is NEVER about us. Remember "charity seeketh not her own." 

Often when we try to solve conflict, whether it's internal or with others, we go about it the wrong way, keeping our own interests in mind as the highest priority or holding a grudge deep down, even if it isn't voiced. These attitudes keep us in self-deception and prevent us from being able to see things clearly. 

Warner suggests in Bonds the Make Us Free that the first step out of the darkness of a confused conscience is to allow the light coming from others to direct us. This doesn't mean to follow their ideas about what is right and wrong. Rather, it means to allow their humanity to affect us, and when we see them as people with thoughts and feelings like ourselves, a knowledge of how we should treat them, or their "light" as Warner calls it, can direct us toward the truth about our own actions and whether or not they have been correct.  

This is just one reason why I believe charity never faileth. When we love others as Christ does, we view their humanity and allow it to affect us, guiding us toward a brighter conscience light by the light of Christ. Charity is Christ-focused and others-focused. We fall out of the picture entirely when we begin to genuinely feel compassionate, long-suffering, and peaceful toward others. It reminds me of the scripture: "He who loses his life for my sake shall find it."

The beautiful thing about charity is that it is a spiritual gift we can pray for. All of us can have it! But we have to ask ourselves a very important question first:

Could I be wrong?

In my own experience, it hasn't been until I've accepted a mindset of knowing that I may be wrong in any instance that I've been more open to charity. This is another difficult thing for perfectionists, though, because we don't like to be wrong. Who does!? But when I experience conflict and I ask myself: Am I wrong? I find myself letting go more easily, softening, and even forgiving. It also helps me be more forgiving of myself - another thing we perfectionists need help with!

I know I haven't done this topic justice, and I really recommend EVERYONE read Bonds the Make Us Free, or for a more secular version Leadership and Self-Deception. The wisdom of the principles they teach are so powerful!!!!

Well, I'm excited to start off December with an open mind and heart, and I love that the Church is focusing on charity too! Here's a link to how we can light up to world in 25 days! 

I want to thank all of you who are on this journey with me! Your support is invaluable! :)

~ Kamie