Helps for Perfectionists: Life Isn't About Deserving

Every time I start working on a new post, without fail, Heavenly Father does His best to drive home the principle I'm trying to learn and teach. For motto #5 - life isn't about deserving - the lesson came when I dropped my phone in the toilet - the last straw in a string of errors I'd made during a long and exhausting week - and I began tearing myself apart. Well, I'm pretty efficient at giving myself a hard time, and within a few hours I was feeling downright awful! I'd even convinced myself that I deserved my broken phone. 

 

This tip may seem to contradict the last one about taking responsibility  but they're not opposites. The difference is that we take responsibility for what we can control, and we give what we can't control up to the Lord, remembering not to define ourselves by our limitations or even our strengths. 

But boy, the chant of the Anti-Christ Korihor is ever alive today, telling us that "every man prosper(s) according to his genius, and every man conquer(s) according to his strength" (Alma 30:17). That's the chant I was listening to when I fell into the repetitive self-bludgeoning that made me feel so awful the other day. It was the lie that I had to earn my blessings (in this case, phone) that caused me to cry over spilled milk. 

So let me ask you a question. Do we believe this lie? Are we stuck in a belief that mankind exists in a state of survival of the fittest? Do we see ourselves in competition with those around us, and that only the most skilled, most attractive, or most _____ (you fill in the blank) will survive, or at least thrive? Do we believe that if we are weak, we deserve the suffering that befalls us, because if we were somehow stronger (less vulnerable) we could avoid it? 

I love the story of the man who was born blind, and Christ's response when asked the question: "Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Christ's answer was: "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God may be made manifest in him."

In this story we know what works of God Christ was referring to - He healed the man, and the man who was born blind received his sight. This miracle was further evidence that Christ was who He said He was. But what about in our lives? Do we accept that our weaknesses (or difficult life events) may not be our doing, but may be an opportunity for Christ's grace to operate in our lives? What if it isn't our current capabilities at all that determine what temporary and eternal reward we receive, but the power of an all-capable God who is on our side?

It's Christmas time, so of course I have to proclaim that Christ does want to work miracles in our lives! But are we getting in the way, wanting to solve things our way rather than asking what works God wants to manifest through us? Sometimes an immediate solution does not further His purpose, which of course is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Maybe God needs you to be vulnerable. If you're not sure, ask Him. 

As for me, I keep getting the prompting that I need to stop trying to earn blessings, love, or even money, because when I try to earn them, both they and joy elude me. Instead I need to trust in God. After all, we know that we cannot earn our salvation, for "since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings of death of Christ atone for [his] sins, through faith and repentance (Alma 22:13). 

Our good works are, simply put, evidence of our love for Christ. They do not earn us anything, and if we cannot earn the most pressing of all gifts God could give, what makes us think we are truly earning our own money, affection, etc.?

It's important to remember at this point that all things come from God, and blessings don't all come in one shape or size, but they do come when we follow Him, especially when we are humble, which is another way of saying vulnerable. 

Brene Brown (yes I know I quote her in every post!) believes that our intolerance for vulnerability originates from our belief in SCARCITY, the idea that there is not enough for us all. We can't all be happy, successful, loved, provided for, allowed past the gates of heaven, etc. therefore we must compete, leaving others trampled in our wake in order to get what we need. This belief is dangerous because it is self-fulfilling. As long as we believe that those around us are our competitors, we will not see them as God sees them and scarcity, not love and abundance, will be the result. 

On the other side of things, when I focus on gratitude, appreciating every small blessing that comes my way, and trust in the God that provides those blessings (part of trusting is following and obeying), I'll begin to live in a world of abundance. Blessings will flow. Relationships will flourish. An abundant life will replace scarcity when I finally believe that THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. 

Things get messy, too, when we mistakenly believe that we have to earn Christ's help and love! But we know that the nasty voice telling us, "You don't deserve it," is not from God. 

When I look back at my life I have more than enough evidence to state that Christ does not require us being a certain level of awesome before He's willing to help us. In fact, in the moments when I've been the most vulnerable and broken (and stopped denying that I needed help), the real miracles have occurred! One particularly rough time was in college. Though I hardly earned their help, dozens of people stepped forward and wrote me kind notes or were inspired to brighten my day in other ways. I also have memories of undeniable impressions from the Spirit guiding me in that hard time. On one occasion, it turned out that those impressions brought me to a place where when I met Nate, I was a new person; I was ME. And of course, now we're working on our happily ever after. 

The key here is that I wasn't perfect when I received that divine aid. I was as pathetic as I've ever been. I did not deserve grace, but still I was LOVED by a God who weeps with us in our despair, who takes the weak things of the world and makes us mighty in His work. Wow! When I think of the kind of love God has for us, I get all teary-eyed. Really? He loves me? Even me?

President Monson said, "Your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there...God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

I love the quote: Justice is getting what you deserve, Mercy is not getting what you deserve, and Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Certainly we will never deserve "all that the Father hath," but God has designed a plan including a Savior and mercy so that we can receive it regardless. What a gift!!!

Everyday is a working progress for me. I'm not perfect at these things yet, but I'm trying. Still, I know that when we stop trying to DESERVE and instead TRUST, more and more miracles will occur.

Merry Christmas,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Take Responsibility

This will be a short post because we covered a bit about taking responsibility in my last post about understanding our consciences. However, I cannot emphasize enough that the difference between those who have mastered this principle of personal responsibility and those who haven't is vast. Some call it maturity, but I call it taking back the power we may have unintentionally given to others to determine our response in any situation. 

Maturity is much shorter....haha :) 

Our first snow day in Pendleton! :)

Let me start with a story. Recently I've been going through somewhat of a conflict with a dear friend. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that both of us were feeling hurt about something, and at one point I felt as though she were blaming me. Now, what was my natural man response? To get defensive of course! It couldn't be my fault because I really was trying to be a good friend! At least that's how things looked from my perspective. But luckily I already knew that becoming defensive would in no way solve our conflict. Instead, I asked myself the question I mentioned we must all ask ourselves in my last post:

Could I be wrong?

With divine help, I humbled myself enough to admit that there was a possibility that I might be wrong (aka she might be right), and rather than getting defensive I chose to apologize instead. 

Some of you are probably thinking that sounds crazy. Why would throw themself under the bus like that? We should stand up for ourselves, shouldn't we? 

I'm here to tell you that if you stand up for yourself by blaming someone else, it will backfire every time. Regardless of who's fault you perceive something to be, there is always something YOU are responsible for. Take responsibility for it. (This is not to say you bury yourself under so much shame that you stop functioning. For more on this, see this post on shame.) And, if you want to have an even greater positive influence, be a leader and take responsibility for the other person's half of the blame, too. Why? Because they cannot be defensive unless they are being blamed. And if they are not defensive then their consciences will be more clear, and soon they will be able to see the truth for themselves. When we are genuine (and vulnerable!) and accept responsibility for our mistakes, it invites others to do the same. 

What does this have to do with perfectionists? Well, something I was shocked to discover when I took an honest look at myself was that my need to protect my "perfect" idea of myself was causing hurt and conflict in my life. Why? Because I was justifying my behavior or finding someone else to take the blame rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I learned this lesson from one of my all time favorite books Bonds that Make Us Free, a must read! I also love this quote from Elder Renlund's talk Repentance: A Joyful Choice:

"Blaming others, even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By doing so, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and the ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."

Blaming a person or a situation for our actions is futile. For that reason the word "fault" no longer exists in my vocabulary. Instead I'll ask myself: "Who's responsibility is that?" Usually it falls on me, but that has become empowering to me rather than debilitating because it means I have the power to impact the situation and make it better! 

In my conflict with my friend, my perfectionism might've looked like me becoming defensive. In other aspects of my life, it might look like me acting the part of the victim. I'm discovering how incredibly dangerous living as a victim can be. Now, that's not to say that there aren't instances when people really do hurt us. However, generally when we insist on carrying the hurt and holding a grudge, we become a victim twice, and that is OUR responsibility, not the person who hurt us. 

What if it's not a person that's afflicting us? What if it's an illness (mental or physical), or a deep rooted weakness we believe will have control over us our whole lives? Or some trauma that happened to us years ago? I think these things are even easier to fall victim to because they are often with us everyday, seemingly with great power, and they appear to hold us back from being who we want to be. It's easy to start making excuses for why we can't do this or that, or why we can get away with this thing or that other thing because of our struggle.

I understand this temptation all too well, but I also know that it is so important to fight it! I'm beginning to realize that I'm totally responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, no matter what foes may be at my doorstep or inside my own body or mind. As a result I'm no longer a victim, but an active creator of my own experience, a being to "act for [myself] and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26). Remembering to let go of expectations and be Christ-reliant will help us to step out of the victim mindset without stepping into stressed out I-have-to-do-it-all mode. It's a delicate balance, but with practice it can be found!

I'm not suggesting that our struggles will evaporate if we dissolve our victim mindset. What I'm saying is that they will no longer hold the power. 

We will. 

So go out there and start taking responsibility for those situations in which you feel some improvement could be made. It'll work wonders in your life and in the lives of others. 

Tell next time,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Understand your Conscience

Nanowrimo is over, and that means the blog is back! I didn't really intend to take such a long break, but I'm glad I did because I think this post is a great start for getting us all in the Christmas spirit. 

In my last post we started a discussion on conscience, which we desperately need to finish. So, once we've let go of expectations and have begun to understand the difference between guilt and shame, we have the opportunity to stop listening to the world and to follow our conscience. 

But this can be tricky for perfectionists. 

Why? According to one of my favorite books, Bonds that Make us Free, "a perfectionist's conscience cannot be satisfied." I like Warner's description that "to those of us in perfectionist mode, the world presents us with a barrage of 'moral' demands, and we consider ourselves members of a moral militia marching bedraggled but brave to the cadence of 'shoulds' and 'oughts' that we alone can hear. We are desperately anxious to prove that we are doing everything that might possibly be good to do, fearful we will not qualify as worthwhile if we pass up any chance to sacrifice ourselves. Hence we're perpetually exhausted." 

I can totally relate to that! I constantly struggle with juggling multiple demands for my attention (because it all HAS to be done!) and end up feeling guilty (or shamed) when I fumble, dropping the balls and making a mess of everything. But why was I trying to carry so much in the first place? Were my motives really pure when I decided to march to the beat of the perfectionist drum?

Honestly, I don't know, but if I've learned one thing in the last few years it's that sometimes even my own conscience cannot be trusted. Looking back with greater light and knowledge at my past, I can see clearly that I was often wrong when I was certain I was right. Or I thought I just HAD to do something, and I realized later that my priorities were actually not the best. 

Do any of you experience this? I feel as though I'm perpetually in a state of past-sight, but the current-sight and the foresight I so need remain aloof. 

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only one who has a tricky time figuring out conscience. There are a bazillion thought errors that can cause us to believe we are right (or wrong), when in fact we are not!

This single fact - the knowledge that our own personal compass can lead us astray - which Warner calls self-deception - is perhaps the root of a majority of the conflicts we get stuck in. But what is a recovering perfectionist like me supposed to do about this problem?

I believe the answer is far simpler than it seems. Let's begin with a scripture and go from there:

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." - 3 Nephi 11:29

I would like to add that not all contention appears in the form of anger. Actually, in my own experience I have struggled more with fear and anxiety. I cast others in the role of unrighteous judge when I fear what they think of me or that I will disappoint them. Sometimes this appears in the form of being afraid to ask for help when I need it. Or it can come in not wanting to hang out with friends because I'm worried I'm not ____ enough for them. Though it may seem different, I've discovered that this is the spirit of contention as well because it often leads to accusing feelings inside me, even if they are not voiced or end up directed at myself (as they often are for perfectionists). 

I've also noticed that when I'm feeling the spirit of contention, I'm usually thinking about myself, and it's harder to see things clearly or discern right from wrong correctly. 


Another problem we have with our consciences is that when we feel shamed, we often go about justifying why we should not have to feel bad. Guilt leads to repentance, but shame leads to further self-deception in the name of clearing our own names. What do I mean? We can almost always come up with a story that provides us with enough evidence to convince ourselves that we are not to blame, but the problem is that, in making ourselves the victim, we cast others in the role of the abuser, which is hardly fair to them. No wonder they may get defensive when we approach them as a victim! They never intended to be a villain at all!

So juxtapose the concept of the spirit of contention with this scripture: 

"For Charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." -Moroni 7:46-47

As a perfectionist, I bet you picked out that line "never faileth" and started doing a happy dance. We hate to fail!!!! But here's the tricky part: Charity is NEVER about us. Remember "charity seeketh not her own." 

Often when we try to solve conflict, whether it's internal or with others, we go about it the wrong way, keeping our own interests in mind as the highest priority or holding a grudge deep down, even if it isn't voiced. These attitudes keep us in self-deception and prevent us from being able to see things clearly. 

Warner suggests in Bonds the Make Us Free that the first step out of the darkness of a confused conscience is to allow the light coming from others to direct us. This doesn't mean to follow their ideas about what is right and wrong. Rather, it means to allow their humanity to affect us, and when we see them as people with thoughts and feelings like ourselves, a knowledge of how we should treat them, or their "light" as Warner calls it, can direct us toward the truth about our own actions and whether or not they have been correct.  

This is just one reason why I believe charity never faileth. When we love others as Christ does, we view their humanity and allow it to affect us, guiding us toward a brighter conscience light by the light of Christ. Charity is Christ-focused and others-focused. We fall out of the picture entirely when we begin to genuinely feel compassionate, long-suffering, and peaceful toward others. It reminds me of the scripture: "He who loses his life for my sake shall find it."

The beautiful thing about charity is that it is a spiritual gift we can pray for. All of us can have it! But we have to ask ourselves a very important question first:

Could I be wrong?

In my own experience, it hasn't been until I've accepted a mindset of knowing that I may be wrong in any instance that I've been more open to charity. This is another difficult thing for perfectionists, though, because we don't like to be wrong. Who does!? But when I experience conflict and I ask myself: Am I wrong? I find myself letting go more easily, softening, and even forgiving. It also helps me be more forgiving of myself - another thing we perfectionists need help with!

I know I haven't done this topic justice, and I really recommend EVERYONE read Bonds the Make Us Free, or for a more secular version Leadership and Self-Deception. The wisdom of the principles they teach are so powerful!!!!

Well, I'm excited to start off December with an open mind and heart, and I love that the Church is focusing on charity too! Here's a link to how we can light up to world in 25 days! 

I want to thank all of you who are on this journey with me! Your support is invaluable! :)

~ Kamie