Tips for Perfectionists: Guilt Vs. Shame

My heart is pained because I know there are so many people out there (myself included) who are suffering when we don't need to be. Part of my personal suffering over the years has been a result of my conscience, which, I'm now learning, is not always an accurate guide (I'll explain why this is SOOOO significant in my next post). 

I'll be the first to admit that I have a hyperactive conscience. Often, I find myself feeling bad about things I really don't need to feel bad about. I even sometimes feel guilty even when I've been trying to do the right thing! 

I used to get so frustrated with myself over this. I would look at others and wonder why they didn't seem to be feeling bad about every little mistake like I did....There was a blessing in this - I really had to learn to turn to Christ for help in carrying my unwarranted burden - still, for a lot of perfectionists, I think it's time we cleared up our consciences a little bit. 

This is a complicated topic, so it's going to take me two posts to cover it all, but we'll start with something basic with motto #4, which is to know the difference between guilt and shame. As perfectionists, we can sometimes get the two confused, and that can lead to all sorts of problems. One of those problems is that we experience more than our fair share of shame. 

So what exactly is shame?  Brene Brown defines it as an "intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

Ouch! Did you feel that? I bet you just thought of a reason why you feel you may not be worthy of love and belonging. I know you did because all humans (aside from sociopaths) feel shame. 

Let's take a closer look at this monster lurking inside us, waiting to gulp up any chance we have at believing we're worthy of love. 

First, shame is self-focused, meaning that when we experience it, our thoughts turn toward ourselves and what others think of us. Remember that as perfectionists we think we need others to love us or approve of us so that we can love and approve of ourselves (something we've begun to work on by having an eternal mindset, which I talk about in an earlier post). This need for approval makes shame all the more palpable for us.  

Shame is also excruciating because it tries to define us. It says, "I AM bad," and we either believe it's message or set about justifying why it is false. Both methods are classic ways that perfectionists become trapped in our plastered whited sepulchers (more on this in the next post!). 

Then what is guilt? 

Guilt is other's focused. We feel guilt when we mistreat others because we are concerned about them, not about ourselves. Guilt does not define us, but rather our actions. It says, "I BEHAVED badly." Guilt drives us to change because we want to not because we "should" or "ought to." Guilt carries with it hope beyond the horizon, where shame carries only pain. 

You could also say that guilt is about what Christ thinks of us. True guilt is the "godly sorrow" we read about in 2 Corinthians 7:10: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death."

After learning the difference between guilt and shame, I'm realizing that a lot of the time I thought I was feeling guilty, I was actually experiencing unnecessary shame. I was allowing others' expectations for me to hijack my conscience, twisting things until I could not tell the difference between right and wrong, essential and nonessential, and really, the real me and the fake, plastered image of me. This is how I've lived for a long time, but if something is making you miserable, change it!

That's why I'm getting to the bottom of this, and I'm grateful for all of you who are along for the ride :)

Going off of the above scripture, I believe that the "sorrow of the world" which "worketh death" is likely shame, and Brene Brown's research helps to confirm my hypothesis. She's found that guilt is a healthy emotion. It leads us to say, "I'm sorry," which is actually LESS painful for us than shame, which leads us to either fight or flee, both of which are states of high anxiety. Shame is also directly correlated with a full spectrum of human problems from depression to addiction, where guilt is inversely correlated with them (meaning those who experience guilt instead of shame don't experience these problems as often). 

We all have moments when we've made a mistake and need to apologize or repent, and the guilt we feel motivates us to follow through with those actions that will heal us. Shame, on the other hand, does not guide us toward correct behavior. If we allow it to move in and make it's home in our hearts, it will cloud our minds and fill us with dread, even causing us to do extreme things in our attempt to make the pain of the shame go away.

So how do we choose guilt over shame?

All people will experience shame, and especially when we make an attempt to be more open and vulnerable we will find shame lurking in the shadows trying to talk us out of it. The key is that when we experience shame we make an effort to stop thinking about ourselves long enough that we can see things from other people's point of view. Sometimes this opens the door for guilt, other times it allows us to see that there was no legitimate reason for feeling ashamed in the first place (because what they think of us does not influence our worth!). Either way, we've stepped out of the trap inside our minds and are now more capable of handling the situation in a healthy way.

I know this strategy won't work in every situation, and my perfectionist self is telling me not to publish this post because it isn't perfect. However, I do believe that we take a HUGE step in the right direction when we stop making ourselves the focus of our own attention. 

One more tip. Shame is not necessarily bad. It's like fear - we will all experience it. The problem isn't feeling shame (to feel no shame at all we would have to harden our hearts completely), the problem is when we LISTEN to shame. In other words, the problem comes when we either believe we have to change who we are to deserve love or to hide the thing we're ashamed of from the world so we can cheat shame and still be loved. 

Listening to shame is dangerous. Sometimes we allow it to drive us insane. Other times we grow desperate enough to throw ourselves away and try to become someone else. But we are who we are!!!!!!!!!!!!! If we want to change for ourselves, for God, or because we legitimately feel guilty and believe it's correct to change, then by all means we should CHANGE! But if we're changing because of shame, we're not being ourselves and any love we receive because of that change is false and will not truly make us feel satisfied anyway. 

I know that's harsh, but it's true. Please be yourself! Only you can do what you're meant to do, but you can't do that if you're busy being someone else, or if the real you is so deeply hidden that no one even knows who you are. 

Like the man in the arena covered in sweat and blood, it is better to have LIVED than it is to have spent your whole life pretending. Win or lose, just be alive :)

One last thing before I close. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't escape the sting of shame. My advice for all of us is that when we can't let go of the shame of whatever our weaknesses may be, we allow Christ to swallow it up for us. When this happens, we open up to the possibilities of accepting ourselves as we are right now, but more on that in another post ;)

Brene on Listening to Shame

All my love,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Be Christ-Reliant

I have a question for you, and I'm going to forewarn you that there's no correct answer.

What is perfect anyway?

I've thought a lot about this (too much actually!) and the conclusion I've come to is that there's no such thing as perfection in this world. 

Not without Christ. 

Aren't we cuter when we're being real? I love James' face!

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind, and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ..." - Moroni 10:32

That's a lot of perfects...but let's remind ourselves of the example I spoke about in my first post. It was not the "perfectly" obedient Pharisees who Christ lauded when He came to earth. Rather it was the humble sinners who were willing to repent and follow Him who won His praise. But why???? 

Ultimately I think it has to do with "coming unto Christ." After all it's His grace that does the saving and perfecting. So motto #3 is be Christ-Reliant!

I was listening to a Christian radio station and they mentioned this concept of being Christ-reliant. I immediately recognized that I'd been touting around my self-reliance like a badge of honor, believing that I was righteous when I could provide for my own needs (and the needs of all those depending on me) without His help. While self-reliance is important - we all need to do our part to take care of ourselves - the truth is that all our best efforts to solve our own problems or to be prepared for any possible catastrophe will never be enough. It doesn't matter how hard we work, how much sleep we sacrifice, or even how much we plan, prepare, save, etc.

We will always need Christ. 

So let's look at the first part of that scripture again. 

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him..." - Moroni 10:32

The word "perfected" here is translated more accurately in our modern language as made whole or complete. Soak that in for a second - Christ has promised us that He can make us WHOLE!!!!! 

All of us have received a scratch or two in this life, both emotionally and physically, so we know we don't have to be guilty in order to need this gift of being made whole. That's why I love looking at Christ's role this way! It removes shame (which I'll be talking about in my next post) from the equation, making our goal completeness rather than that nasty intimidating monster named perfection. And as appealing as perfection sounds, to me being complete or whole sounds even better! A wholehearted person is joyful, while a whited sepulcher only appears so. 

So what do I think of when I picture a whole or "wholehearted" person? I picture someone who can interact with others with an open and honest sincerity, carrying little thought for themselves or how they're perceived. I picture a hard-worker who gives thanks to God for his bounteous harvest. Especially at this time of unease, I picture someone who can mourn the tragedies of this world, but who has the faith to be comforted in Christ, rather than becoming fearful (Matt. 5:4). I imagine someone who can sacrifice without complaint, someone who can forgive without hesitation, someone who can love without conditions. 

Ultimately, I picture Christ. 

Coincidentally, Brene Brown, the vulnerability researcher I mentioned in post 1, has given the name "wholehearted" to those in her research who have accepted vulnerability. She's discovered that invulnerability, which carries with it pride, has high costs.  Brene's research has revealed that we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. In the Bible, Matthew prophesies that in our day "the love of many shall wax cold," and I believe that the list Brene gave is only the beginning of the effects of frozen hearts that we've seen.

It's up to us to begin the worldwide thawing of hearts, starting with ourselves. A first step we can take is becoming Christ-reliant and letting go of excuses for why we hold back or hold onto the things we know we shouldn't. Then we can truly love God above all else, and Christ can make our hearts whole again. In that process, we will be able to become more and more like He is.

I know what the perfectionist might argue next: But shouldn't we feeI bad when we make a mistake or fall short? Isn't relying on Christ too simple????

The short answer is NO, and the longer answer is this: Christ already has suffered for every mistake we could ever make and any inadequacy we could ever have! He's already paid the price! With that understanding, we can see how holding onto those things not only shows a lack of faith, but it also hints that we may not be as humble as we thought. True humility is being vulnerable enough to admit to Christ that we need His help, and that we're grateful that He paid the price so we wouldn't have to. 

True humility is being vulnerable enough to let go. 

I know this is hard, I've struggled with it for years. However, when I do manage to open up to Christ, I've found immense relief from laying burdens or questions too big for me to carry on His shoulders. Just this past week I fasted for something that I knew I could not accomplish on my own - that I would be able to have more self-love rather than self-judgement. I knew that I had a righteous desire and that the Lord wanted to help me, all that was left to do was to ask with faith. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Over the last few days I've noticed a remarkable change! I've felt the joy and peace that comes from truly connecting with my Savior and accessing the power He offers to each of us. I'm so grateful I decided to be vulnerable enough to ask, and I urge you to break the cycle of struggle we often find ourselves in and offer your own sincere prayer that gives with it your heart and finally opens up the windows of heaven so that "there is not room enough to receive it." 

Thanks for reading,

~Kamie

Some helpful resources for understanding and accepting the Atonement:

Sister Stephens' talk The Master Healer 
Believing Christ by Stephen R. Covey
I'm Not Perfect, Can I Still Go To Heaven? by Anthony Sweat

Helps for Perfectionists: Know Who You Are

As a writer, one of my favorite titles for Christ is "the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). If each one of us is a story, it is Christ who makes us into the protagonist worth rooting for. Because of him there are no wrong stories, no mistakes made that cannot be crafted into an important plot point that ultimately brings us to a glorious climax. Each of our stories are beautiful, each of us a character worth investing in and loving. 

But only if we allow the story to be written.

Brene Brown brought my attention to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt: 

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. 

Whatever your story is right now, whether you're in the thick of the plot or still standing on the sidelines, you matter. You are unique, individual, and capable of doing something great, however small. But first there's something you need to know with absolute certainty. 

Motto #2 is: Know who you are - I mean who you REALLY are, not what you are at the moment, what others think you are, or even what you've been telling yourself you are your whole life.

Sometimes I feel a surge of frustration that the person I appear to be - the person I'm capable of being right now - is not the real me - the person I feel I am inside my bones. The mistakes I've made don't tell the story I feel is true, and my perfectionist voice calls for me to pull it together, urging me to work harder until I can get results to prove my eternal worth.

This idea that I need to prove my worth comes from the fixed mindset I spoke of in my first post. Dweck, author of Mindset, advocates for a growth mindset - the view that our traits and abilities can be improved upon with practice. We are neither smart nor dumb, but rather we are the sum total of the effort we've put into being smart or dumb, therefore, we can increase our intelligence or any trait we desire. 

I like the growth mindset - it's much more healthy than a fixed mindset - but I believe there's still an even more profound step we can take. 

I call it an eternal mindset. 

I find it interesting that when Paul describes the armor of God in Ephesians 6, the piece of armor he names for protecting our heads, or rather our minds, is the "helmet of salvation." I've pondered this, and I've realized that what Paul may be suggesting is that we hold the plan of salvation (the big picture of why we are here in this earth, how we are saved, and what follows after this life) in our mind. That knowledge can free us from many of the dangerous thought errors that can otherwise hold us captive. 

It can even free us from perfectionism. 

Think of it! Guaranteed protection for our minds! Since a majority of our stresses and conflicts begin with thought errors, this is a beautiful promise from Paul. 

The problem with vulnerability, though, and part of the reason we fight so hard against it, is that when we give into it we often times find ourselves suffocated by a label. After all, members of AA know and forever will admit that they are alcoholics. They have to admit this, because it's only in their humility and dependence upon something greater that they have the power to withstand their weakness. 

How does this apply to us perfectionists, or those of us who struggle with mental illness, anger, same-sex attraction, pornography addiction, spending too much time on social media, or whatever else? Do we claim that label and tout it around everywhere we go, showing it off to everyone we meet?

No, and that's not what members of AA do either. They have "safe-people" - members of their group whom they can confide in and be supported by. I think it's important that each of us have safe people as well, and whether that group is large or small will depend on what's comfortable for you.

Even more important, though, is that despite this weakness - this "thorn in the flesh" as Paul described his mortal struggle - we know who we are in the grand scheme of things, that we see our character not just as the vulnerable under-dog we may feel we are now, but as the heroic champion we are all sure to be at the last day. 

We need to remember that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us. 

We just have to. 

This video gives an idea of what I mean when I say to identify with who you really are. Many of the weaknesses we face are just as he says - passing clouds - but they are not US. 

When he says "depression," think of some weakness that applies to you.

So you see, just because we admit to our struggles, surrendering to our vulnerability and confessing that we may need some help, that doesn't mean that we have to cower beneath that label and let it BECOME us. 

Because it isn't us.

Yes we are human, we are weak, we struggle. We all will fight battles along the path of our story - otherwise our story would be quite boring! But instead of kicking ourselves for having an enemy to fight, we can dare greatly, as Roosevelt suggested, and become the heroes of our story, whatever that story may be. 

I've found this motto incredibly helpful. In fact, when I'm in the temple, the place where it's easiest for me to have an eternal perspective, I am me. That happy, hopeful, peace-filled person is me! Being true to the best version of myself, I'm happiest there, and that happiness lasts until I get home and get caught up in the midst of striving for things that may not be the most important. It lasts until I lose myself, hiding beneath plastered walls once more. 

But what if I kept that eternal perspective close? That's like choosing to wear our helmet as we fight in the arena, and I believe we will win more battles than we lose this way, not that the victory is what matters most though ;)

What matters is that we dared greatly. 

Thanks for reading,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Let Go of Expectations

If you missed it, this series of helps for perfectionists is in conjugation with my previous post about perfectionism linked here.

As I've laid siege to my own perfectionism, I've come up with a few mottos or guidelines to help me. 

Here's motto #1: Let go of expectations. 

I want you to take a moment to imagine your perfect day. What would you accomplish? What would you look like? What would people say to you or about you?

Whether you recognize this or not, that picture of your perfect day is often hovering in the back of your mind, acting as a constant comparison to your present moment. It is your EXPECTATION. 

My expectations run something like this (check out how ridiculous this is!): I would wake up before the sun, exercise really hard, shower, read my scriptures, write in my scripture journal, and write a chapter of my novel BEFORE the kids even wake up. Then during the day I'd be a chipper mom, never raising my voice or committing any motherly faux pas, and I'd always have enough time (and the energy) to play, read books, do crafts, go to the park, etc. Oh, yeah, and I'd have a side job to bring in some extra money. Dinner would always be homemade, healthy and fabulous, and evenings would be spent in blissful, cohesive family time until the kids were in bed ON TIME. 

Sounds pretty right???? And that's just my picture from my home life. Don't even get me started on my mental, spiritual, and intellectual expectations as well!

I know there's that one person out there reading this that is thinking, "Oh come on, that's not hard. I do that everyday!" But for the rest of us normal people, lets all admit that something's got to give. We've all experienced that moment when our expectations forcibly collide with reality, and we're left standing in the tattered remains of all we were so valiantly striving to build. Our hopes were noble, of course, but we're human, and crap often hits the fan. 

It just happens. 

So how do you feel when it becomes terrifyingly clear that you aren't going to make the deadline, or that your child isn't going to have their hair done for school pictures, or that so and so is going to see you in sweat pants without your make-up on?

Here's what I'm picturing: Your chest feels tight, your breathing becomes shallow and quick, and a part of you contemplates pulling out your hair or tossing something across the room. 

My friends, the problem here isn't that you've somehow failed to "pull it together" like everybody else. The problem isn't that you're a mess and that you just can't keep up with the demands placed upon you. 

No, the problem is that you set yourself up for failure when you made perfection your expectation. 

This happens completely on accident for most of us. Our desires are good! We want to do what's right! But even when we succeed, are we ever really satisfied? (More on this in another post!)

I love the analogy I heard someone share (I apologize I don't have the original source) from an editorial column. The writer explained how expectations drastically affect our perspective by contrasting two situations.

In the first, the man went to an expensive, highly rated hotel. He expected perfection, and immediately noticed every flaw - no chocolate on his pillow, the breakfast was not gourmet, the maid forgot to replace his towel. He was livid! He left a nasty review of the hotel. 

In the second situation, the man spent the night at a cheap motel, not expecting much at all. He was deliciously surprised to find that they served breakfast at all, not caring that it was merely pre-frozen waffles and a bit of under ripe fruit. He raved about the fact that the maid made an appearance at all, and danced happily from the motel, giving praise to the front desk as he left.

Alright, I amplified that a bit for effect, but you get the point - his expectations directly influenced his mood. It was his thoughts, not the actual situation, that determined how he felt about each experience. 

And he was happier when he expected little.

Now, now, calm down!!!! I didn't say that means we give up on everything and stop trying! No, we can still have GOALS, but not expectations.

What's the difference? 

Well, according to my definition, a goal is something we are striving for, BUT when we falter, we allow ourselves to regather our thoughts, determine what went wrong, and try again. There is no FAILURE when working toward a goal. There are infinite second chances. There are opportunities to analyze whether we even want to achieve that goal still or if our priorities have changed. We can be realistic, recognizing when circumstances within or outside of our control make reaching our goal impossible - then we redefine the goal. 

A goal is fluid and forgiving.

An expectation is different. When we don't meet it, we feel a sense of shame or failure. There are no second chances. The effect is permanent, and we must now turn our efforts toward fixing it. And what happens when someone else in our life doesn't live up to our expectations, or when something happens outside of our control that doesn't meet our expectations?

We GRIEVE. 

We perfectionists cannot let disappointment go! We go crazy trying to figure out how we can change ourselves, others, or our circumstances. We often even forget to be grateful for what good we do have in our lives.

A good example from my life is birthdays. On boy how I LOATHED my birthday growing up! This had nothing to do with what actually happened on my birthdays - most of them were fine and good. It had to do with my expectations, which were grand to say the least! I wanted everyone I knew to spend the day answering to my every whim. Needless to say, I found myself disappointed. 

And it was my own doing. 

Looking back, I'm saddened that I didn't enjoy those birthdays more. I'm sure there were a lot of great things that I totally missed because I was so busy stewing over unmet (and unvoiced!) expectations. 

We can free ourselves from this trap. We can choose to change our expectations into healthy, attainable goals, and we can choose to free others from the chains of our unrealistic expectations as well. 

How?

Really what this all comes down to is LOVE. Love of self, love of others, and love of God, too. 

Remember that love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). What would happen if you were patient and kind with yourself? What if you started to view each new day not as expecting something from you, but as an opportunity to learn something new and maybe get a little closer, step by step, to one of your goals? 

I want us all to remember that we don't have to bring the most impressive meal to the family who just had a baby - we can bring them something simple. It's still an act of service, a deed born of love, even if it isn't Pinterest perfect, and your family will thank you when you still have some energy left for them at the end of it. And you don't have to throw the best birthday parties, have the best outfit, be the most educated or whatever else you think is expected of you. Let's let all these superficial things go and just love each other. 

When all is said and done, that's the message the Spirit has tried hardest to get through to me. 

Just love. 

So, my friends, let's let go of our expectations, our charades and our whited sepulchers, and allow others to let go, too. When things get broken or goals go unmet, apply a little patience and kindness and watch the healing begin.

Stay tuned for motto #2 this weekend!

~Kamie

Whited Sepulchers

I know you're wondering about us, so let me reassure you quickly that life is good! I know the Lord has guided us here to Pendleton, OR, we're making friends, Emma loves her preschool, Nate loves his job, we've got new callings, I'm starting work as health coach, etc. We have our struggles and stresses, too, so all in all we're human! 

At least one person has to have their eyes closed! Haha :)

I've had something on my heart that I want to have a conversation about, though, and that's Perfectionism. 

What does this have to do with me? Well, I woke up one day - I was probably 11 or 12 - and found I could no longer accept anything less than perfection. I don't know what caused my fear of failure or my excessive insecurity and need to please, but it came anyway, and it's a much a part of me today as my own flesh, if not more so. In fact, it's so deeply rooted in my mind that it colors the world around me, affecting everything from how I interpret others' actions to how I react to them. 

This is the part where I say: Hi, I'm Kamie, and I'm a perfectionist. 

Because much like an addiction, perfectionism can break hearts, destroy progress, and become nearly impossible to overcome.

We all have our battles. 

This is my mine.

And I will win. 

My weapon, of course, is knowledge. But we'll get to that in a minute. First, I want to give you an example of what this has looked like for me. Here's a story that comes from the 9th grade. 

Two boys in my math class teased me about not playing sports. Did they care that I had the best grade in the class? No. I went home sulking, and the next day I changed my schedule, signing up for track. I ended up dreading our weekly track meets with a severity that left me sick to my stomach. That dread came from a fear that I would mess up and that everyone would be watching when I did. Needless to say, when we later moved to Utah I did not sign up for track again despite that fact that, except for the meets, it had been one of the best experiences of my life. 

As you can see, I was trapped by my fears. I didn't understand what was happening to me - couldn't see that I was paralyzed, so I hobbled on, convinced that the only way to live was to convince everyone that I had everything under control and to never take risks that were too big.

Needless to say, becoming a parent and putting a husband through dental school, among other things, has humbled me, and I'm beginning to see my perfectionism for what it really is - a prideful roadblock to my success and true happiness. As a result, I've issued war on my perfectionism. 

My first offensive strike began with gathering knowledge. As part of this I was inspired to pick up the Fishers of Men series by Gerald Lund, which chronicles the life of Christ. I've learned that Christ was fearless, unwavering in His defense of truth, and incredibly compassionate. You know what he wasn't, though?

He was perfect, but he wasn't a perfectionist.

Perfectionism is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness. 

I'd like to add to this definition some research from Carol Dweck's Mindset. Perfectionists have a FIXED mindset, meaning we define our worth based on what we're capable of doing (or how we look or what we've accomplished, etc.). We are either good or bad, talented or not, capable or not, beautiful or not, etc. Not only that, but we're constantly on guard, looking for every opportunity to prove to others that we really are good, smart, talented, etc. because if they don't believe it, we can't believe it either. 

I learned in Fishers of Men that Christ doesn't assign our worth this way, nor does He expect perfection now. The story of the woman taken in adultery is a good example. He refused to condemn her! Instead He lovingly gave her the opportunity to "go and sin no more." 

So here's what's been consuming me: Who DID Christ condemn? Not the woman taken in adultery, not the tax collectors, not even the oppressive Romans. No, Christ condemned those who were outwardly the most righteous and highly regarded of Jewish society, those who seemed to have it all: 

The scribes and the Pharisees. 

This scripture has been playing over and over again in my head:

"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanliness." - Matt 23: 27

Ouch! I read that and instantly wonder: Is that what I've been striving for? Is this me!? 

For those of you who ask this same question, take a stroll with me. I want to analyze this further. 

My first reaction to this was: Oh no, that is me! Why? Because of those days when I somehow manage to put on a smile, be social, and do right by the people around me despite feeling just downright awful inside about all of my inadequacies and my mistakes. Heavenly Father knows I'm not perfect! But I still get the happy pic up on Facebook despite that fact that I've fallen short about a hundred times that day.

I've decided that I don't think it's this type of "putting up a good front" that Christ was referring to when He spoke of whited sepulchers, though we do have to be cautious - optimistically honest you could call it. We don't have to be perfect in order to smile or to post on Instagram. Sometimes all we can do is fake it till we make it, and that's okay. What matters is our motive. Are we seeking to impress the people around us or are we seeking to invest in the people around us???? 

Bringing it back to the previous metaphor, are we like the Pharisees who were motivated by the glory of men when they performed their good deeds, or are we like the Savior who suffered in Gethsemane with dignity, grace, and humility, seeking no glory or praise for completing the most important act of all time? 

I've had to conclude that it's not always ostentatious pride that drives us to hide our weaknesses beneath a wall of whited plaster. There may be something more complicated going on here. 

Perhaps we're simply afraid of our weaknesses and what people will think of us? Perhaps another definition of perfectionism is a manic fight against vulnerability. 

Let me share a quote from an expert, Brene Brown, PhD, who's research deals directly with this idea. She, like many of us perfectionists, set out to destroy weakness only to discover that VULNERABILITY, not strength, breeds the most content people and the most intimate relationships: 

"It is so profoundly dangerous [that] we are losing our tolerance for vulnerability...vulnerability is absolutely at the core of fear and anxiety and shame and very difficult emotions that we all experience. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, of love, of belonging, of creativity, of faith. And so it becomes very problematic when as a culture we lose our capacity to be vulnerable." -Dr. Brene Brown

Brene on the Power of Vulnerability

My friends, I know it's difficult to choose vulnerability in light of the fact that our society doesn't value vulnerability, but it's a calculated sacrifice. We know the reward - deeper relationships - outweighs any social awkwardness that may come. So, like Morrie teaches in Tuesdays with Morrie, if the culture is broken, don't buy it. Have the courage to hop off the bandwagon. Be courageous. Stop caring what people will think. 

Be your beautiful, flawed self! 

This is my attempt to do just that. 

In closing, let's take a lesson from the inspired program of Alcoholic's Anonymous. They teach that the first step to overcoming an addiction is admitting that we're powerless to overcome it on our own and that we need the help of a higher power. 

Isn't that beautiful!? To completely surrender, to fully accept vulnerability, and then the miracle happens - they get better! They withstand the weakness, though it, like many of the trials we may face, may never leave them fully. Still, they're able to move forward and live a happier life, something that would've been impossible without surrendering to their own vulnerability and turning to a higher power for strength. 

According to The Power of Habit, one of the keys to AA's success is SHARING their experiences with others and forming a support group. There's no covering up their weaknesses and hiding them from those who would help. Why? Because they know that doesn't work! Whited sepulchers will struggle to overcome their weaknesses because the truth is we cannot do it alone! I know this because I have tried, and it only lead to more heartache! 

That leads me to make a confession, or rather an apology. I see now that I had many opportunities to share - to connect - but I chose not to, instead projecting a false image of myself - the image of the person I wanted people to believe I was. In most cases, I wasn't even fully aware I was doing this, but I am now, and I can see that in my secrecy I'd only been able to muddle on without the support I needed. This was a problem, but my actions did not just affect me. In retrospect I'm realizing that I've unintentionally hurt others. In trying to appear perfect I on occasion wounded those who suffered with a similar affliction, making them feel like they were falling behind in this manic game of being "perfect." 

So I apologize. In truth, there are many of you who have inspired and taught me without knowing it, and I am extremely grateful for you, even in - no, especially in - your imperfection. 

Thanks for reading! 

Look for more tips for perfectionists to come!

~Kamie