Helps for Perfectionists: Focus on Joy

Today is James' birthday, so it's fitting that Motto # 9 is about joy. Even from the womb, this little guy has radiated true happiness, and it's from him that I'm learning about joy. 

Before we go there, though, we're coming close to the end of this series of posts, and I'd like to review our journey thus far. 

James with his favorite things: "Pizza" jammies
and toast with Grandma's freezer jam. 

First off, we talked about how even the best of us can get so caught up in appearing good that we forget to actually be good. A perfectionist and a whited sepulcher are not what they seem, though convincing ourselves of this is often hard to do. That's part of the reason why, though a perfectionist does many a good thing, they seldom feel the benefits that would come if their actions were more genuine. It just so happens that one of those benefits is JOY, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The next step on our journey, after admitting that we had a problem, was taking a step back and reevaluating our look on life. We traded in our expectations for healthy goals, then we reminded ourselves of who we are and why we are here on this earth. Wearing our helmet of salvation, we moved forward in our quest, grabbing our greatest weapon and protection, our Savior. With Him by our side, and with the ever important ingredient of humility, we realized that we are far greater when we are Christ-reliant, and we received a heavy helping of comfort, too. 

Our next step was taking the deep delve into the world of conscience, which probably gave us all a headache. What we learned, though, was that often times we convince ourselves that we are right or justified when we are not. Usually, this kind of self-deception is paired with negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, resentment, pride, or seeing ourselves as a victim. Darkness follows, and we perfectionists mistakenly believe that if we work harder and force ourselves to be better, at least on the surface, the disappointment will end. However, this method will not work. The problem: Perfectionism is itself a product of the confused conscience for two reasons. First, it is driven by shame rather than genuine guilt, which means no real change or repentance can occur. Second, when we aren't busy getting down on ourselves, we're often defending our beliefs and actions because we are desperate to prove that we are not wrong - because we know all too well that being wrong is not acceptable to someone who cares more about how they are perceived than about who they truly are inside. But we must remember that the "Lord looketh on the heart."

As the wise have already learned, though, it isn't until we accept the vulnerability of possibly being wrong that we can ever truly thrive or build healthy relationships. That's why we explored taking responsibility for our actions, and being willing to first ask ourselves "Am I wrong?" anytime a conflict presents itself, which as we all know, happens nearly everyday. With this attitude, we moved forward with a heavy burden removed from our shoulders, and with the power to make things better in our relationships with God and man. 

Next, we removed the lie from our minds that our worth is based on what we can "earn" with our own two hands. We remembered that our worth is eternal, and that God, not us, is responsible for all the blessings we receive in this life. From there, we were able to forgive ourselves for being human, and turned our thoughts toward pleasing God, not our bank account or our fellow men. With our new found trust in a higher power for our support, we started living in faith rather than fear and scarcity. 

Our last step so far was examining our priorities, and asking ourselves what we're truly after. We discovered that there are all sorts of "businesses" we can give our efforts to that will not satisfy. Since few can say it better than Dickens, let's remind ourselves what our true business is by looking at what the Ghost of Jacob Marley said to Scrooge that Christmas when his heart was so radically changed. Marley declared with deep regret, "Mankind was my business. The common welfare my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the ocean of my business!"

Lest we arrive at the end with the same regrets, let's put things in their proper place. For me, this means God first, then my family, then my neighbor. Sacrificing for Nate or the kids isn't hard anymore when I have my heart set on the right things. Instead, it fulfills me. Motherhood becomes a great JOY, as does paying tithing, or serving in my calling, or making dinner and wiping up every sticky inch of the house after the kids have eaten yet again. It's marvelous how simply changing what we've set our hearts on can have such dramatic results! Open yourself up to this change. Pray for it. 

I don't know if you noticed it, but JOY was one of the main themes from the last General Conference. There were 119 references to joy, and those words were exactly what I needed to hear, because like some of you perfectionists out there, I was starting to believe that I would only be happy if.....If so and so treated me better, or if my kids were more obedient, or if we made more money, etc. But holding ourselves back by the "ifs" of life is hardly a way to move forward. We need a different path. 

President Nelson showed us that such a path exists when he said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening - or not happening - in our lives."

So what is the path to joy? Well, put simply, I think it begins with the stone of faith in Jesus Christ, is followed by the bridge of hope that we will be redeemed, and is completed by the consuming river of love we then feel for God, our Savior, and for our fellow men. 

What I'm teaching here isn't anything new, but sometimes we want to look past the simple and seek for something more complex. However, the way is not wide with complexity, but narrow, consisting only of those few eternal truths that will lead us to eternal happiness. What's complex is not God's plan, but us humans. One of our complexities is our intolerance for vulnerability, and the millions of ways it can get us in trouble. We've explored some of those ways in previous posts. What we need to examine now is how our fear of vulnerability is one of the fastest ways we nip joy in the butt and dish ourselves up a huge plate of misery instead. 

Of course, I'm quoting Brene Brown again! She believes that joy is the emotion we are most terrified of! Why? Because if we have it, that means we can lose it, and that means we are vulnerable, which of course scares us to death. What if we lost that person we love, or the career that brings us fulfillment, or that feeling we get when we allow ourselves to admit we are loved by God? How would we survive it? 

Brene and Opra on Joy

Here's the difference between the natural man instinct and the person who is willing to take a risk on doing things God's way. The natural man runs from joy, but the man who fears God above all else leans into joy, allowing it to make him stronger and more able to overcome the opposition he faces. 

In the above video, Brene says that she's never interviewed someone who could embrace vulnerability and lean into joy who was not practicing gratitude. Gratitude is the food of joy. It is contentment with what we already have that prevents competition and envy from sweeping in and swallowing us up in a cycle of scarcity. It is gratitude toward God and all He has done for us that allows us to live in abundance and joy. 

But we have to chose it. 

Each moment presents us with the option of seeing the good or the bad, and maybe seeing the bad, or the lack, is such a habit that you don't even realize you are doing it, but starting now you can consciously choose gratitude - to see the beauty and abundance rather than what you think may be missing. 

This scripture reminds me how important gratitude is: 

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." 

President Nelson said, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." I believe that this is true. Over the last few years, I've really begun to see how each of God's commandments are meant to guide us to a blessing. For example, I recently learned the power of turning away from envy and choosing love and contentment instead. I can tell you of the misery I felt when I chose to be envious, but even more powerful is the blessing of peace that comes from choosing to follow God's commandment to not covet. I wonder if this explains why God is so offended when we do not practice gratitude and obedience. Is it because He loves us and wants us to be happy, but knows we cannot unless we follow the path He's laid out for us? Is it because God understands that in order to feel joy, we must make faith and gratitude our focus?

I think the answer is yes, and it answers the question of what our business should be. Not approval, not success even, but faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, and the joy that follows. 

This was the advice President Nelson gave in his talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival," which is so wonderful that I have to quote a portion of it here:

How, then, can we claim that joy? We can start by “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith” “in every thought.” We can give thanks for Him in our prayers and by keeping covenants we’ve made with Him and our Heavenly Father. As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us, our joy will increase.

Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power into our lives. As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!

And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.

Wow! Now don't be fooled, there were negative things Christ could've focused on: the pain He endured, the mockery of those who didn't believe Him, the power He had to stop it all but was commanded not to use. Oh, yes, Christ, had he been like us, could've been swallowed up by anger or despair, but He chose to focus on joy, and in the end, He triumphed. 

Focusing on joy can give us the courage to repent, to change, and to start living according to the natural laws (I.E. God's commandments) that are guaranteed to bring us joy when obeyed with a willing heart. I hope we can all get back to the joy we were meant to experience in this life. For we know that "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

All my love, 

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Know What Business You're In

I had a big aha! moment last week regarding agency. I'm the Primary Secretary in our ward here, and I love getting to work with these amazing kids! I also love relearning the basics of the gospel in our sharing time lessons each Sunday. This month we've been talking about agency - the precious gift from God that allows us to choose for ourselves. My aha! came when ruminating over a topic that a friend and I did not see eye to eye on. I found myself really trying to understand the topic and discover if I were wrong in my beliefs about it, but all my efforts came to no avail. I felt stuck, and I hated not knowing how to respond to my friend. Then it hit me: How does Heavenly Father feel when we do not see eye to eye with Him? I'm not sure I know the answer fully, but I do know that He does not take away our right to choose, even when He knows we are wrong. Isn't that amazing!? He knows everything, yet He allows us imperfect mortals to have free reign over our lives, and He allows us the freedom to create our own flawed societies, too. He allows us to live in a world sooooo far from perfect, and He doesn't change it. He doesn't even sit up there in heaven and stew over how much we're messing everything up. 

 

My mind's gears were spinning like crazy at this point as I realized who it was who in the beginning fought for and was determined to have a perfect world and perfectly obedient children. It was not our Father who loves us perfectly, nor the Son who became our Savior. No, it was the Son of the Morning who is now a fallen angel who fought hard for perfection, even to leading a third of the hosts of heaven with him to damnation. He craved perfection, and the glory it would bring him, so much that he gave up his soul for it. 

How sad is that!?

Now let me ask you: Are we following suit? Are we so focused on perfection that we've lost sight of what matters most?

I genuinely believe that most of us have our hearts set on good things. We never intended to become whited sepulchers. We never thought that in our attempts to do what we thought was best we were actually falling into a trap of our own making.

This is why knowledge is so important. Even the best of people can make themselves unhappy and be led far off the path they intended to travel if they don't understand what business they're in. There are counterfeits galore surrounding us, a million distractions to trick us into giving our lives away to a cause that isn't going to lead us to true eternal happiness. We must be careful, with our hands constantly on the iron rod, and most importantly with our hearts set on God. 

D&C 137:9 explains: For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts. Some choices we may make in this life are neutral, it's the desire or intent behind them that dictates whether they are good or bad. God's commandments steer us away from things He knows we are more likely to do when our desires are evil (murder, envy, adultery, etc). It's the state if our heart, though, that matters most to Him. So, that means that some acts that are considered good can be done with incorrect desires, a typical problem for a perfectionist (or any human being). This may be why you're not receiving the blessings you think you are due, even though you have wearied yourself out in well doing. 

Here's an example from the book Bonds that Make us Free that blew my mind: "We've all known a teenage beauty who's convinced she is hideous...Or a "supermom" keeping the family going by her indefatigable efforts and struggling to fight off depression over her inadequacies. The beauty would never have suspected herself hideous if she had not made her appearance a major issue by wishing to be gorgeous...The mother who doubted herself to the point of depression would not have sunk so far had she never gotten herself into the business of proving herself a "supermom." All of these people never would've imagined the possibility of their monstrousness if they had never tried to prove themselves impressive."

If you're a perfectionist you can totally relate to that! We are constantly in fear of being "found out" - that people will once an for all see us for who we really are. But guess what!? The beautiful girl wasn't actually hideous! She just thought she was because she was so obsessed with beauty! So what if we only think we are so imperfect and awful because we are so obsessed with perfection!? What if we're really amazing underneath all that paint and plaster we insist on carrying around as whited sepulchers?

Remember you are a child of God, and God doesn't create flawed things by accident! He has a unique purpose for you and for me. LIVE IT!

With that in mind, I've chosen to recommit to God's plan and the gift of agency, even if it means that myself and the world around me are going to be far from perfect for the time being. True it requires faith to see past the current and believe in the eternal where God has promised us that all will be made right and that through the Savior's atoning power we will eventually be made whole, but that faith is a necessary part of this probationary state. Just as faith with without works is dead, works without faith are equally as futile. 

 

All my love,

Kamie 

Helps for Perfectionists: Life Isn't About Deserving

Every time I start working on a new post, without fail, Heavenly Father does His best to drive home the principle I'm trying to learn and teach. For motto #5 - life isn't about deserving - the lesson came when I dropped my phone in the toilet - the last straw in a string of errors I'd made during a long and exhausting week - and I began tearing myself apart. Well, I'm pretty efficient at giving myself a hard time, and within a few hours I was feeling downright awful! I'd even convinced myself that I deserved my broken phone. 

 

This tip may seem to contradict the last one about taking responsibility  but they're not opposites. The difference is that we take responsibility for what we can control, and we give what we can't control up to the Lord, remembering not to define ourselves by our limitations or even our strengths. 

But boy, the chant of the Anti-Christ Korihor is ever alive today, telling us that "every man prosper(s) according to his genius, and every man conquer(s) according to his strength" (Alma 30:17). That's the chant I was listening to when I fell into the repetitive self-bludgeoning that made me feel so awful the other day. It was the lie that I had to earn my blessings (in this case, phone) that caused me to cry over spilled milk. 

So let me ask you a question. Do we believe this lie? Are we stuck in a belief that mankind exists in a state of survival of the fittest? Do we see ourselves in competition with those around us, and that only the most skilled, most attractive, or most _____ (you fill in the blank) will survive, or at least thrive? Do we believe that if we are weak, we deserve the suffering that befalls us, because if we were somehow stronger (less vulnerable) we could avoid it? 

I love the story of the man who was born blind, and Christ's response when asked the question: "Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Christ's answer was: "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God may be made manifest in him."

In this story we know what works of God Christ was referring to - He healed the man, and the man who was born blind received his sight. This miracle was further evidence that Christ was who He said He was. But what about in our lives? Do we accept that our weaknesses (or difficult life events) may not be our doing, but may be an opportunity for Christ's grace to operate in our lives? What if it isn't our current capabilities at all that determine what temporary and eternal reward we receive, but the power of an all-capable God who is on our side?

It's Christmas time, so of course I have to proclaim that Christ does want to work miracles in our lives! But are we getting in the way, wanting to solve things our way rather than asking what works God wants to manifest through us? Sometimes an immediate solution does not further His purpose, which of course is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Maybe God needs you to be vulnerable. If you're not sure, ask Him. 

As for me, I keep getting the prompting that I need to stop trying to earn blessings, love, or even money, because when I try to earn them, both they and joy elude me. Instead I need to trust in God. After all, we know that we cannot earn our salvation, for "since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings of death of Christ atone for [his] sins, through faith and repentance (Alma 22:13). 

Our good works are, simply put, evidence of our love for Christ. They do not earn us anything, and if we cannot earn the most pressing of all gifts God could give, what makes us think we are truly earning our own money, affection, etc.?

It's important to remember at this point that all things come from God, and blessings don't all come in one shape or size, but they do come when we follow Him, especially when we are humble, which is another way of saying vulnerable. 

Brene Brown (yes I know I quote her in every post!) believes that our intolerance for vulnerability originates from our belief in SCARCITY, the idea that there is not enough for us all. We can't all be happy, successful, loved, provided for, allowed past the gates of heaven, etc. therefore we must compete, leaving others trampled in our wake in order to get what we need. This belief is dangerous because it is self-fulfilling. As long as we believe that those around us are our competitors, we will not see them as God sees them and scarcity, not love and abundance, will be the result. 

On the other side of things, when I focus on gratitude, appreciating every small blessing that comes my way, and trust in the God that provides those blessings (part of trusting is following and obeying), I'll begin to live in a world of abundance. Blessings will flow. Relationships will flourish. An abundant life will replace scarcity when I finally believe that THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. 

Things get messy, too, when we mistakenly believe that we have to earn Christ's help and love! But we know that the nasty voice telling us, "You don't deserve it," is not from God. 

When I look back at my life I have more than enough evidence to state that Christ does not require us being a certain level of awesome before He's willing to help us. In fact, in the moments when I've been the most vulnerable and broken (and stopped denying that I needed help), the real miracles have occurred! One particularly rough time was in college. Though I hardly earned their help, dozens of people stepped forward and wrote me kind notes or were inspired to brighten my day in other ways. I also have memories of undeniable impressions from the Spirit guiding me in that hard time. On one occasion, it turned out that those impressions brought me to a place where when I met Nate, I was a new person; I was ME. And of course, now we're working on our happily ever after. 

The key here is that I wasn't perfect when I received that divine aid. I was as pathetic as I've ever been. I did not deserve grace, but still I was LOVED by a God who weeps with us in our despair, who takes the weak things of the world and makes us mighty in His work. Wow! When I think of the kind of love God has for us, I get all teary-eyed. Really? He loves me? Even me?

President Monson said, "Your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there...God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."

I love the quote: Justice is getting what you deserve, Mercy is not getting what you deserve, and Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Certainly we will never deserve "all that the Father hath," but God has designed a plan including a Savior and mercy so that we can receive it regardless. What a gift!!!

Everyday is a working progress for me. I'm not perfect at these things yet, but I'm trying. Still, I know that when we stop trying to DESERVE and instead TRUST, more and more miracles will occur.

Merry Christmas,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Take Responsibility

This will be a short post because we covered a bit about taking responsibility in my last post about understanding our consciences. However, I cannot emphasize enough that the difference between those who have mastered this principle of personal responsibility and those who haven't is vast. Some call it maturity, but I call it taking back the power we may have unintentionally given to others to determine our response in any situation. 

Maturity is much shorter....haha :) 

Our first snow day in Pendleton! :)

Let me start with a story. Recently I've been going through somewhat of a conflict with a dear friend. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that both of us were feeling hurt about something, and at one point I felt as though she were blaming me. Now, what was my natural man response? To get defensive of course! It couldn't be my fault because I really was trying to be a good friend! At least that's how things looked from my perspective. But luckily I already knew that becoming defensive would in no way solve our conflict. Instead, I asked myself the question I mentioned we must all ask ourselves in my last post:

Could I be wrong?

With divine help, I humbled myself enough to admit that there was a possibility that I might be wrong (aka she might be right), and rather than getting defensive I chose to apologize instead. 

Some of you are probably thinking that sounds crazy. Why would throw themself under the bus like that? We should stand up for ourselves, shouldn't we? 

I'm here to tell you that if you stand up for yourself by blaming someone else, it will backfire every time. Regardless of who's fault you perceive something to be, there is always something YOU are responsible for. Take responsibility for it. (This is not to say you bury yourself under so much shame that you stop functioning. For more on this, see this post on shame.) And, if you want to have an even greater positive influence, be a leader and take responsibility for the other person's half of the blame, too. Why? Because they cannot be defensive unless they are being blamed. And if they are not defensive then their consciences will be more clear, and soon they will be able to see the truth for themselves. When we are genuine (and vulnerable!) and accept responsibility for our mistakes, it invites others to do the same. 

What does this have to do with perfectionists? Well, something I was shocked to discover when I took an honest look at myself was that my need to protect my "perfect" idea of myself was causing hurt and conflict in my life. Why? Because I was justifying my behavior or finding someone else to take the blame rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I learned this lesson from one of my all time favorite books Bonds that Make Us Free, a must read! I also love this quote from Elder Renlund's talk Repentance: A Joyful Choice:

"Blaming others, even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By doing so, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and the ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."

Blaming a person or a situation for our actions is futile. For that reason the word "fault" no longer exists in my vocabulary. Instead I'll ask myself: "Who's responsibility is that?" Usually it falls on me, but that has become empowering to me rather than debilitating because it means I have the power to impact the situation and make it better! 

In my conflict with my friend, my perfectionism might've looked like me becoming defensive. In other aspects of my life, it might look like me acting the part of the victim. I'm discovering how incredibly dangerous living as a victim can be. Now, that's not to say that there aren't instances when people really do hurt us. However, generally when we insist on carrying the hurt and holding a grudge, we become a victim twice, and that is OUR responsibility, not the person who hurt us. 

What if it's not a person that's afflicting us? What if it's an illness (mental or physical), or a deep rooted weakness we believe will have control over us our whole lives? Or some trauma that happened to us years ago? I think these things are even easier to fall victim to because they are often with us everyday, seemingly with great power, and they appear to hold us back from being who we want to be. It's easy to start making excuses for why we can't do this or that, or why we can get away with this thing or that other thing because of our struggle.

I understand this temptation all too well, but I also know that it is so important to fight it! I'm beginning to realize that I'm totally responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, no matter what foes may be at my doorstep or inside my own body or mind. As a result I'm no longer a victim, but an active creator of my own experience, a being to "act for [myself] and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26). Remembering to let go of expectations and be Christ-reliant will help us to step out of the victim mindset without stepping into stressed out I-have-to-do-it-all mode. It's a delicate balance, but with practice it can be found!

I'm not suggesting that our struggles will evaporate if we dissolve our victim mindset. What I'm saying is that they will no longer hold the power. 

We will. 

So go out there and start taking responsibility for those situations in which you feel some improvement could be made. It'll work wonders in your life and in the lives of others. 

Tell next time,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Understand your Conscience

Nanowrimo is over, and that means the blog is back! I didn't really intend to take such a long break, but I'm glad I did because I think this post is a great start for getting us all in the Christmas spirit. 

In my last post we started a discussion on conscience, which we desperately need to finish. So, once we've let go of expectations and have begun to understand the difference between guilt and shame, we have the opportunity to stop listening to the world and to follow our conscience. 

But this can be tricky for perfectionists. 

Why? According to one of my favorite books, Bonds that Make us Free, "a perfectionist's conscience cannot be satisfied." I like Warner's description that "to those of us in perfectionist mode, the world presents us with a barrage of 'moral' demands, and we consider ourselves members of a moral militia marching bedraggled but brave to the cadence of 'shoulds' and 'oughts' that we alone can hear. We are desperately anxious to prove that we are doing everything that might possibly be good to do, fearful we will not qualify as worthwhile if we pass up any chance to sacrifice ourselves. Hence we're perpetually exhausted." 

I can totally relate to that! I constantly struggle with juggling multiple demands for my attention (because it all HAS to be done!) and end up feeling guilty (or shamed) when I fumble, dropping the balls and making a mess of everything. But why was I trying to carry so much in the first place? Were my motives really pure when I decided to march to the beat of the perfectionist drum?

Honestly, I don't know, but if I've learned one thing in the last few years it's that sometimes even my own conscience cannot be trusted. Looking back with greater light and knowledge at my past, I can see clearly that I was often wrong when I was certain I was right. Or I thought I just HAD to do something, and I realized later that my priorities were actually not the best. 

Do any of you experience this? I feel as though I'm perpetually in a state of past-sight, but the current-sight and the foresight I so need remain aloof. 

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only one who has a tricky time figuring out conscience. There are a bazillion thought errors that can cause us to believe we are right (or wrong), when in fact we are not!

This single fact - the knowledge that our own personal compass can lead us astray - which Warner calls self-deception - is perhaps the root of a majority of the conflicts we get stuck in. But what is a recovering perfectionist like me supposed to do about this problem?

I believe the answer is far simpler than it seems. Let's begin with a scripture and go from there:

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." - 3 Nephi 11:29

I would like to add that not all contention appears in the form of anger. Actually, in my own experience I have struggled more with fear and anxiety. I cast others in the role of unrighteous judge when I fear what they think of me or that I will disappoint them. Sometimes this appears in the form of being afraid to ask for help when I need it. Or it can come in not wanting to hang out with friends because I'm worried I'm not ____ enough for them. Though it may seem different, I've discovered that this is the spirit of contention as well because it often leads to accusing feelings inside me, even if they are not voiced or end up directed at myself (as they often are for perfectionists). 

I've also noticed that when I'm feeling the spirit of contention, I'm usually thinking about myself, and it's harder to see things clearly or discern right from wrong correctly. 


Another problem we have with our consciences is that when we feel shamed, we often go about justifying why we should not have to feel bad. Guilt leads to repentance, but shame leads to further self-deception in the name of clearing our own names. What do I mean? We can almost always come up with a story that provides us with enough evidence to convince ourselves that we are not to blame, but the problem is that, in making ourselves the victim, we cast others in the role of the abuser, which is hardly fair to them. No wonder they may get defensive when we approach them as a victim! They never intended to be a villain at all!

So juxtapose the concept of the spirit of contention with this scripture: 

"For Charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." -Moroni 7:46-47

As a perfectionist, I bet you picked out that line "never faileth" and started doing a happy dance. We hate to fail!!!! But here's the tricky part: Charity is NEVER about us. Remember "charity seeketh not her own." 

Often when we try to solve conflict, whether it's internal or with others, we go about it the wrong way, keeping our own interests in mind as the highest priority or holding a grudge deep down, even if it isn't voiced. These attitudes keep us in self-deception and prevent us from being able to see things clearly. 

Warner suggests in Bonds the Make Us Free that the first step out of the darkness of a confused conscience is to allow the light coming from others to direct us. This doesn't mean to follow their ideas about what is right and wrong. Rather, it means to allow their humanity to affect us, and when we see them as people with thoughts and feelings like ourselves, a knowledge of how we should treat them, or their "light" as Warner calls it, can direct us toward the truth about our own actions and whether or not they have been correct.  

This is just one reason why I believe charity never faileth. When we love others as Christ does, we view their humanity and allow it to affect us, guiding us toward a brighter conscience light by the light of Christ. Charity is Christ-focused and others-focused. We fall out of the picture entirely when we begin to genuinely feel compassionate, long-suffering, and peaceful toward others. It reminds me of the scripture: "He who loses his life for my sake shall find it."

The beautiful thing about charity is that it is a spiritual gift we can pray for. All of us can have it! But we have to ask ourselves a very important question first:

Could I be wrong?

In my own experience, it hasn't been until I've accepted a mindset of knowing that I may be wrong in any instance that I've been more open to charity. This is another difficult thing for perfectionists, though, because we don't like to be wrong. Who does!? But when I experience conflict and I ask myself: Am I wrong? I find myself letting go more easily, softening, and even forgiving. It also helps me be more forgiving of myself - another thing we perfectionists need help with!

I know I haven't done this topic justice, and I really recommend EVERYONE read Bonds the Make Us Free, or for a more secular version Leadership and Self-Deception. The wisdom of the principles they teach are so powerful!!!!

Well, I'm excited to start off December with an open mind and heart, and I love that the Church is focusing on charity too! Here's a link to how we can light up to world in 25 days! 

I want to thank all of you who are on this journey with me! Your support is invaluable! :)

~ Kamie

Tips for Perfectionists: Guilt Vs. Shame

My heart is pained because I know there are so many people out there (myself included) who are suffering when we don't need to be. Part of my personal suffering over the years has been a result of my conscience, which, I'm now learning, is not always an accurate guide (I'll explain why this is SOOOO significant in my next post). 

I'll be the first to admit that I have a hyperactive conscience. Often, I find myself feeling bad about things I really don't need to feel bad about. I even sometimes feel guilty even when I've been trying to do the right thing! 

I used to get so frustrated with myself over this. I would look at others and wonder why they didn't seem to be feeling bad about every little mistake like I did....There was a blessing in this - I really had to learn to turn to Christ for help in carrying my unwarranted burden - still, for a lot of perfectionists, I think it's time we cleared up our consciences a little bit. 

This is a complicated topic, so it's going to take me two posts to cover it all, but we'll start with something basic with motto #4, which is to know the difference between guilt and shame. As perfectionists, we can sometimes get the two confused, and that can lead to all sorts of problems. One of those problems is that we experience more than our fair share of shame. 

So what exactly is shame?  Brene Brown defines it as an "intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

Ouch! Did you feel that? I bet you just thought of a reason why you feel you may not be worthy of love and belonging. I know you did because all humans (aside from sociopaths) feel shame. 

Let's take a closer look at this monster lurking inside us, waiting to gulp up any chance we have at believing we're worthy of love. 

First, shame is self-focused, meaning that when we experience it, our thoughts turn toward ourselves and what others think of us. Remember that as perfectionists we think we need others to love us or approve of us so that we can love and approve of ourselves (something we've begun to work on by having an eternal mindset, which I talk about in an earlier post). This need for approval makes shame all the more palpable for us.  

Shame is also excruciating because it tries to define us. It says, "I AM bad," and we either believe it's message or set about justifying why it is false. Both methods are classic ways that perfectionists become trapped in our plastered whited sepulchers (more on this in the next post!). 

Then what is guilt? 

Guilt is other's focused. We feel guilt when we mistreat others because we are concerned about them, not about ourselves. Guilt does not define us, but rather our actions. It says, "I BEHAVED badly." Guilt drives us to change because we want to not because we "should" or "ought to." Guilt carries with it hope beyond the horizon, where shame carries only pain. 

You could also say that guilt is about what Christ thinks of us. True guilt is the "godly sorrow" we read about in 2 Corinthians 7:10: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death."

After learning the difference between guilt and shame, I'm realizing that a lot of the time I thought I was feeling guilty, I was actually experiencing unnecessary shame. I was allowing others' expectations for me to hijack my conscience, twisting things until I could not tell the difference between right and wrong, essential and nonessential, and really, the real me and the fake, plastered image of me. This is how I've lived for a long time, but if something is making you miserable, change it!

That's why I'm getting to the bottom of this, and I'm grateful for all of you who are along for the ride :)

Going off of the above scripture, I believe that the "sorrow of the world" which "worketh death" is likely shame, and Brene Brown's research helps to confirm my hypothesis. She's found that guilt is a healthy emotion. It leads us to say, "I'm sorry," which is actually LESS painful for us than shame, which leads us to either fight or flee, both of which are states of high anxiety. Shame is also directly correlated with a full spectrum of human problems from depression to addiction, where guilt is inversely correlated with them (meaning those who experience guilt instead of shame don't experience these problems as often). 

We all have moments when we've made a mistake and need to apologize or repent, and the guilt we feel motivates us to follow through with those actions that will heal us. Shame, on the other hand, does not guide us toward correct behavior. If we allow it to move in and make it's home in our hearts, it will cloud our minds and fill us with dread, even causing us to do extreme things in our attempt to make the pain of the shame go away.

So how do we choose guilt over shame?

All people will experience shame, and especially when we make an attempt to be more open and vulnerable we will find shame lurking in the shadows trying to talk us out of it. The key is that when we experience shame we make an effort to stop thinking about ourselves long enough that we can see things from other people's point of view. Sometimes this opens the door for guilt, other times it allows us to see that there was no legitimate reason for feeling ashamed in the first place (because what they think of us does not influence our worth!). Either way, we've stepped out of the trap inside our minds and are now more capable of handling the situation in a healthy way.

I know this strategy won't work in every situation, and my perfectionist self is telling me not to publish this post because it isn't perfect. However, I do believe that we take a HUGE step in the right direction when we stop making ourselves the focus of our own attention. 

One more tip. Shame is not necessarily bad. It's like fear - we will all experience it. The problem isn't feeling shame (to feel no shame at all we would have to harden our hearts completely), the problem is when we LISTEN to shame. In other words, the problem comes when we either believe we have to change who we are to deserve love or to hide the thing we're ashamed of from the world so we can cheat shame and still be loved. 

Listening to shame is dangerous. Sometimes we allow it to drive us insane. Other times we grow desperate enough to throw ourselves away and try to become someone else. But we are who we are!!!!!!!!!!!!! If we want to change for ourselves, for God, or because we legitimately feel guilty and believe it's correct to change, then by all means we should CHANGE! But if we're changing because of shame, we're not being ourselves and any love we receive because of that change is false and will not truly make us feel satisfied anyway. 

I know that's harsh, but it's true. Please be yourself! Only you can do what you're meant to do, but you can't do that if you're busy being someone else, or if the real you is so deeply hidden that no one even knows who you are. 

Like the man in the arena covered in sweat and blood, it is better to have LIVED than it is to have spent your whole life pretending. Win or lose, just be alive :)

One last thing before I close. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't escape the sting of shame. My advice for all of us is that when we can't let go of the shame of whatever our weaknesses may be, we allow Christ to swallow it up for us. When this happens, we open up to the possibilities of accepting ourselves as we are right now, but more on that in another post ;)

Brene on Listening to Shame

All my love,

~Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Be Christ-Reliant

I have a question for you, and I'm going to forewarn you that there's no correct answer.

What is perfect anyway?

I've thought a lot about this (too much actually!) and the conclusion I've come to is that there's no such thing as perfection in this world. 

Not without Christ. 

Aren't we cuter when we're being real? I love James' face!

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind, and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ..." - Moroni 10:32

That's a lot of perfects...but let's remind ourselves of the example I spoke about in my first post. It was not the "perfectly" obedient Pharisees who Christ lauded when He came to earth. Rather it was the humble sinners who were willing to repent and follow Him who won His praise. But why???? 

Ultimately I think it has to do with "coming unto Christ." After all it's His grace that does the saving and perfecting. So motto #3 is be Christ-Reliant!

I was listening to a Christian radio station and they mentioned this concept of being Christ-reliant. I immediately recognized that I'd been touting around my self-reliance like a badge of honor, believing that I was righteous when I could provide for my own needs (and the needs of all those depending on me) without His help. While self-reliance is important - we all need to do our part to take care of ourselves - the truth is that all our best efforts to solve our own problems or to be prepared for any possible catastrophe will never be enough. It doesn't matter how hard we work, how much sleep we sacrifice, or even how much we plan, prepare, save, etc.

We will always need Christ. 

So let's look at the first part of that scripture again. 

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him..." - Moroni 10:32

The word "perfected" here is translated more accurately in our modern language as made whole or complete. Soak that in for a second - Christ has promised us that He can make us WHOLE!!!!! 

All of us have received a scratch or two in this life, both emotionally and physically, so we know we don't have to be guilty in order to need this gift of being made whole. That's why I love looking at Christ's role this way! It removes shame (which I'll be talking about in my next post) from the equation, making our goal completeness rather than that nasty intimidating monster named perfection. And as appealing as perfection sounds, to me being complete or whole sounds even better! A wholehearted person is joyful, while a whited sepulcher only appears so. 

So what do I think of when I picture a whole or "wholehearted" person? I picture someone who can interact with others with an open and honest sincerity, carrying little thought for themselves or how they're perceived. I picture a hard-worker who gives thanks to God for his bounteous harvest. Especially at this time of unease, I picture someone who can mourn the tragedies of this world, but who has the faith to be comforted in Christ, rather than becoming fearful (Matt. 5:4). I imagine someone who can sacrifice without complaint, someone who can forgive without hesitation, someone who can love without conditions. 

Ultimately, I picture Christ. 

Coincidentally, Brene Brown, the vulnerability researcher I mentioned in post 1, has given the name "wholehearted" to those in her research who have accepted vulnerability. She's discovered that invulnerability, which carries with it pride, has high costs.  Brene's research has revealed that we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. In the Bible, Matthew prophesies that in our day "the love of many shall wax cold," and I believe that the list Brene gave is only the beginning of the effects of frozen hearts that we've seen.

It's up to us to begin the worldwide thawing of hearts, starting with ourselves. A first step we can take is becoming Christ-reliant and letting go of excuses for why we hold back or hold onto the things we know we shouldn't. Then we can truly love God above all else, and Christ can make our hearts whole again. In that process, we will be able to become more and more like He is.

I know what the perfectionist might argue next: But shouldn't we feeI bad when we make a mistake or fall short? Isn't relying on Christ too simple????

The short answer is NO, and the longer answer is this: Christ already has suffered for every mistake we could ever make and any inadequacy we could ever have! He's already paid the price! With that understanding, we can see how holding onto those things not only shows a lack of faith, but it also hints that we may not be as humble as we thought. True humility is being vulnerable enough to admit to Christ that we need His help, and that we're grateful that He paid the price so we wouldn't have to. 

True humility is being vulnerable enough to let go. 

I know this is hard, I've struggled with it for years. However, when I do manage to open up to Christ, I've found immense relief from laying burdens or questions too big for me to carry on His shoulders. Just this past week I fasted for something that I knew I could not accomplish on my own - that I would be able to have more self-love rather than self-judgement. I knew that I had a righteous desire and that the Lord wanted to help me, all that was left to do was to ask with faith. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Over the last few days I've noticed a remarkable change! I've felt the joy and peace that comes from truly connecting with my Savior and accessing the power He offers to each of us. I'm so grateful I decided to be vulnerable enough to ask, and I urge you to break the cycle of struggle we often find ourselves in and offer your own sincere prayer that gives with it your heart and finally opens up the windows of heaven so that "there is not room enough to receive it." 

Thanks for reading,

~Kamie

Some helpful resources for understanding and accepting the Atonement:

Sister Stephens' talk The Master Healer 
Believing Christ by Stephen R. Covey
I'm Not Perfect, Can I Still Go To Heaven? by Anthony Sweat