If Ye are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear: James' Birth Story Part 1

Nate and I recently welcomed our second child, Nathan James Bushman, into our family, but the story doesn't really begin there. Nate and I have been preparing for months for his arrival, and the journey has truly been as much a miracle as James' beautiful birth was.

Our little guy was named after his daddy, Nathan Earl Bushman, and
his grandpa, Darren James Olsen. Currently, we refer to him as James,
but he's also been called little Nate, Nate-ito, Nathan James, and of course,
Nater Tater. I figure he'll pick his favorite name when he's old enough :)

Though Nate and I were exhausted after Nate's insane school schedule last year, we really felt that it was time to start thinking about possibly expanding our family. I prayed and prayed and hoped for some divine manifestation declaring it was time to have our second child, but the answer I got was much different than the strong impressions I received when we felt we were supposed to have Emma. This time, the Spirit whispered that it was up to me to decide when I was ready. Of course, this answer was hard for me because I never feel ready! However, with lots of pondering, we finally decided that we knew Emma needed a sibling, so ready or not, James was on his way!

Awhile ago I decided that it would be so fun to keep my next pregnancy a secret from everyone, including family, until after the first trimester (or until I was showing). Then, when I actually was pregnant, I experienced a lot of anxiety and worry that something might go wrong. The combination of not telling anyone and constantly worrying was actually pretty toxic for me. To top it off, I was embarrassed that I was struggling to feel excited about the pregnancy because Emma had just begun the terrible twos and her naughty behavior was causing me a lot of stress. Anyways, that first trimester was really hard for me emotionally, which made up for the fact that I didn't feel very sick physically. I feel awful for having been so cranky to everyone during that time!

Then, one day I started to feel James moving, and my excitement grew. That's when James became real to me, and I began to be able to bond with him. When we found out he was a boy, I wasn't surprised at all. Actually, I had already assumed he was a boy, so I was relieved that I wasn't wrong. I'm extremely grateful that Heavenly Father had prepared me, otherwise I would've been scared to have a boy. Thankfully, my nerves on that subject were already calmed a bit before the 20 week ultrasound.

What really made the biggest difference for me, though, in changing this pregnancy from a fearful, anxious one to a happy, excited one, was my childbirth prep. I decided after having an epidural with Emma and not liking the experience very much that I didn't want to go that route again, so I started researching natural childbirth. During my research I discovered something called the Fear-Tension-Pain Syndrome. This theory, based on a scientific understanding of how the muscles of the uterus work, states that when anxiety or fear are present in a woman during childbirth, her body, including the muscles of the uterus, tense up. When the uterus tenses, the contractions that are designed to open the cervix become restricted and painful and do not do their job as well. This accounts for a large percentage of long, painful labors in modern society (though certainly in some cases genes also play a role), according to Grantly Dick-Read, the author of Childbirth Without Fear. Coming from a scientific perspective myself, this theory made a lot of sense to me. Having experienced two very different labors now, I am even more inclined to agree with it. More on that in Part 2. So, in my study of childbirth, I came across a whole field of people who believe that labor doesn't actually have to hurt. Instead of pain, words such as "pressure" and "intense" are used to describe uterine contractions. According to this theory, childbirth is supposed to take concentration and work, but it isn't supposed to be painful, as long as fear isn't present.

You can imagine how badly I wanted to believe that this theory was true, especially since I didn't want another epidural. However, when I discovered fear was the problem, I got discouraged. Why? Because fear has always been one of my greatest weaknesses. My entire life I've been terrified of anything that I couldn't control. I was already suffering from a lot of anxiety at the beginning of the pregnancy, so I knew that just knowing I wasn't supposed to be afraid wasn't going to be enough to ensure that I actually wouldn't be afraid during my labor. How could I keep my overanxious nature from kicking into gear once my labor started? What was I supposed to do?

Up to this point, I had never really considered hypno-birthing as an option. In fact, like some of you, I thought the idea was kinda hokey. However, a couple of my friends here in Seattle had used it and had nothing but positive things to say about it. A friend of mine lent me the Hypnobabies program, and I decided it couldn't hurt just to see what it was all about. I didn't realize when I began that I was unlocking the door to a source of wisdom I had yet to tap into, and that I was about to uncover the answers to my overarching problem of fear.

I discovered quickly that for me, self-hypnosis was really like meditation with the added bonus of training my entire body to relax on command. I listened to a half an hour long track everyday as part of my training. What I enjoyed most was the opportunity to delve into my own mind everyday, going to my "special place" and pondering. I got to know myself, my baby, and my Savior really well during this process. I had many spiritual experiences too sacred to write about on this blog, and I was able to accept truth that was previously hard for me to understand. I also figured out what some of my worst fears were and had the chance to face them before my labor. Here's a few just so you get the idea:

As mentioned before, I was pretty nervous about having a boy. I was scared James would be rebellious or violent. I also worried that he might be born with a disability. When I thought about all the possible trials I might face with my son, I felt overwhelmed with fear. However, during some of my pondering, I realized that what I needed to do was decide right now to love James no matter what. When I did that, all my fear melted away. It brought to mind the scripture: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. It dawned on me that faith is not an exact opposite of fear, but love is. When I allowed myself to really love James, I was released from the fear that had been tormenting me because I was willing to accept whatever trials came knowing they would be worth having James in my eternal family.

Another fear I had was that I wouldn't be strong enough to reach my goal of having a natural childbirth. When I thought about it, though, I realized that I had no desire to have the epidural. I went into this childbirth not even considering the epidural to be an option, where with Emma I decided I would only get the epidural if I couldn't handle the pain. I know this change in mindset made a huge difference. Also, when I thought about childbirth, I realized that I wasn't afraid of labor anymore. I didn't believe that it was supposed to be painful. I was excited and looking forward to the experience. Though I still worried that I might fail, or more so that I was wrong in my belief that childbirth didn't have to be painful, I knew that I had done everything I could to prepare, and I felt ready.

Through this process of facing my fears and overcoming them, I've come to learn the peace and the freedom that comes from letting go and trusting myself and, more importantly, my Heavenly Father. Hypnobabies teaches that fear is the misuse of the imagination. I believe that this is true. Our minds are so powerful! Most of the time, what we choose to believe actually has an impact on what comes to pass! Our imagination affects our reality! So, being optimistic and choosing to believe that the best will happen (with the added acceptance that the best might not happen if Heavenly Father has other plans, in which case whatever happens will still be best for us in the eternal scheme of things) might actually make life better. I also believe that, as children of God, it is essential that we do not go around planting and inspiring fear in others. Fear is debilitating and separates us from God and from our better selves. I've grown to appreciate the uplifting and confidence inspiring words of my friends and family, and, sadly, have learned that it is necessary to tune out the negative, fear inspiring words of those around me. Comments such as, "Aren't you nervous?" "Do you really think you can handle that?" "That's going to be so hard" and so on and so forth, stress me out a ton and make me fearful unless I actively decide not to let them affect me. I know people have good intentions and are ignorant of the affect of their words, though. Anyways, I've learned to be careful about what I say to others because of this experience, and I've started looking forward to the future with excitement and confidence rather than fear.

Something else that has had a huge impact on me through this process is my changing understanding of God. Joseph Smith taught in The Lectures on Faith that in order to have faith in God we have to correctly understand His attributes. This has been a key struggle in my faith. Being a perfectionist, I tend to think Heavenly Father is constantly disappointed in me. Obviously, this puts distance between Him and I and makes it more difficult for me to feel His love. Recently, I read The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens, and it really opened my eyes. It reminded me that Heavenly Father chose to be my father and he chose to love me knowing all along that in choosing to love He would make Himself vulnerable to the pain of watching me struggle and make mistakes. He is not a heartless, demanding father. He is a loving, involved father who weeps when we weep, and in return, rejoices when we rejoice. He wants us to be happy. I couldn't help feeling like I was asking for too much when I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me to be able to have James naturally. I kept thinking that I didn't deserve a blessing that meant so much to me because I was so imperfect. However, after reading The God Who Weeps, I realized that I don't have to deserve or earn God's love and His desire to bless me. He tells us to ask, and it will be given us. My desire for a successful natural childbirth was a righteous desire, so it was wrong of me to be afraid that God would not grant it simply because I was not perfect enough. He did grant me my desire, and I know even more surely now that God cares about what we care about. He loves us unconditionally. This knowledge has lifted a huge burden that I have been carrying around unnecessarily my whole life.

Who knew when I began preparing to have a natural childbirth that it would change my life? I had no idea the miracles Heavenly Father had in store for me. I feel like a brand new person, and I can't believe the difference in my confidence, faith, love, and happiness.

For the rest of James' birth story, look for Part 2 :)

Kamie