I'm Wrong

Okay, so I'm about to admit to everyone that I'm not perfect. Oh wait, you already guessed that! Well, I'll tell you anyway :)

I've always been what I now call an "all or nothing" person. This means that I'm either all in something or I'm not in at all. I cannot or will not (still deciding) do something that I'm pretty positive I'll fail at, or attempt something when I can't contribute the time and energy needed to make it a complete success. You might call this a form of perfectionism. Anyways, obviously this has held me back in a lot of ways. It's also simplified my life and helped me sort out my priorities. But the point of this post is not to talk about my perfectionism. Rather it's to admit that unbeknownst to me this was affecting my view of others in a negative way. I clearly needed some humbling so the Lord opened my eyes and helped me to see.

On August 12, 2012 I became a mother. My "all or nothing" self clung to this role with a fierceness that shocked even me. I became a mama bear like no other. I began to defend motherhood and it's importance every chance I got. I felt that others who were not mothers were judging me and looking down on me and what I did, so I had to speak up! And occasionally I would judge...

And I was wrong. Not about motherhood, I have no regrets on that score. Choosing to become a mother was absolutely right for me. I was wrong in my judgements of others. My naivete led me to question others' life choices, especially if they differed from mine. That was before I met wonderful women struggling with infertility. That was before a good friend lost her unborn child at 39 weeks. That was before I realized that everyone is suffering in one way or another, and most of the time it's in ways we can't see.

Even as a child I earned a reputation for being wise. My grandma always told me I had wisdom beyond my years. Well, I don't feel wise anymore. I've spent so much time thinking I knew it all and had everyone figured out, and now I realize I know nothing!

But the Lord knows.

And what a comfort that is.

I'll never be able to truly put myself in some else's shoes, but He can.

I'll NEVER be able to judge the heart of another person, but He can.

I'll never be able to succor the weak or lift the hands that hang down without the help of a Savoir who has decended below all things and has overcome.

He has and He continues to overcome.

When first coming to Seattle, I started to feel a little bit sorry for myself. I saw families that had this or that better than me or didn't have this or that trial. But as I was diligently seeking for answers from the Lord about where I needed to take my life, I found that I was being incredibly selfish, not to mention covetous! Oh, and I was wrong (are you sensing a pattern here?). I discovered I needed to turn outwards. Nate and I have since made a goal to try to invite people into our home weekly. We've met so many awesome people, all different, and all spectacular in their own ways. I've seen more how the Lord loves each of them individually for who they are and who they can become.

The most memorable for me so far was when we had a Muslim family in our neighborhood over for dinner. We had a nice chat about religion and shared some delicious middle eastern bread they brought to share. I felt so uplifted being able to get to know them. I feel so blessed to have met some really amazing people that I would not have met had I not followed this prompting.

I also thought missionary work was too hard for me. I was wrong! I had felt prompted that I needed to step up my game in this area. I was afraid, but I prayed for missionary opportunities with real intent. Before I knew it, an opportunity was throwing itself at me! A friend of mine was chatting with a neighbor of ours who goes to a non-denominational church. She bravely started asking her questions about her church while I listened from the sidelines, shaking violently as I realized soon I would have to say something! The next thing I knew, the conversation had switched to our church and the differences between the two. Soon I was pitching in, and by the end we could feel the spirit so strongly as we testified of our beliefs. I think this helped strengthen our relationship with our neighbor as we better understood each other's beliefs. I felt so happy and excited afterwards that it made me want to have more experiences like that :)

I thought that the craziness of Nate's second year of dental school and my second year of mothering an energizer bunny would hurt our relationship and drive me crazy! I'm happy to say I was wrong! :) The moment I realized that Nate's burdens were just as heavy as mine, if not heavier, was the moment I no longer complained about doing the dishes or changing a poopy diaper. I found renewed strength to accomplish all of my duties without relying on Nate. Nate also found that he was able to organize his time and work faster so we could spend time together in the evenings. I know the Lord was helping us and will continue to help and guide us.

I'm humbled. I now know I'm pretty much wrong about everything. Oh well! I don't have to figure it out alone. One thing I know I'm not wrong about: the Lord.

-Kamie