I Am Free

My youth was spent in a constant state of perfectionism and people pleasing. I never stood out in a crowd for fear that someone may disapprove. I never spoke my mind for fear of offending someone. I did everything right. I got perfect grades, never got into trouble, got a full scholarship to a prestigious university, graduated cum laude. I thought I had done enough to win approval. I was wrong...but why?

2009

The Lord said that because the world hates him, we who stand with him will be hated also. He said those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake are blessed. He said to take up our cross and follow him. I thought I knew what these things meant, but the truth is, I couldn't know what it meant while I was busy pleasing everyone. I couldn't know until the Lord asked me to do something really hard.

Painting by Del Parson

In October of 2011, just 6 months after I married the most amazing man in the world, the Lord prompted my husband and I to start a family. I knew immediately that this was not a people pleasing path. I knew there were those who would wonder, mock, judge, scorn, and even pity the choice I was about to make, but I made it anyway. Why? Because in the end, there was one person I wanted to please above everyone else: my Lord, my Captain, my Savior.

Ten months later, the most amazing little miracle was born into our lives. There has never been a day since then that I have regretted the decision to bring her here. I can feel her strength, beauty, courage, purity, intelligence, wholeness, perfection, humility, confidence, and closeness to heaven when I am near her. She makes me a better person, to say nothing of the good I try to do for her everyday. Her life has already made a difference in this world, and will continue to do so in the future. She is a blessing beyond measure.

But it isn't easy. Not because changing diapers and establishing sleep schedules are torture. No. Even these things have become a joyful part of motherhood for me. It's hard because of the looks. The students at the university that pass by as I'm on my way to visit Nate for lunch. The woman at the grocery store with a career and expensive items in her cart. The neighbor who hears Emma's cries at night and knows how little I sleep. Pity is the worst emotion to receive from others. The worst part is knowing that they really have no idea! They have no idea! Not only do they disapprove of me, but they couldn't be more wrong. I suppose this is how Noah felt as he built the arc and the people mocked. And Christ, the only perfect man to walk the earth, couldn't have been more misunderstood by those who were supposed to be his friends. Why should I, who am much less than these, expect any different?

I can no longer people please. She is my cross. I never expected carrying my cross to be filled with so much joy. I never knew sacrificing everything for the Lord could be so much fun. The Lord asks us to do really hard things, to leave our so-called "nets" as Peter did, and follow him. But he makes every second worth it. Whether it's peace, joy, or even just the hope of eternal life, any sacrifice is worth it.

Elder Wirthlin taught, referring to Peter leaving his net and following Christ: "We might define a net as anything that entices or prevents us from following the call of Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God.

Nets in this context can be our work, our hobbies, our pleasures, and, above all else, our temptations and sins. In short, a net can be anything that pulls us away from our relationship with our Heavenly Father or from His restored Church...

I do not know of another period in the history of the world that has been so filled with such a variety of entangling nets. Our lives are so easily filled with appointments, meetings, and tasks. It is so easy to get caught in a multitude of nets that sometimes even a suggestion of breaking free of them can be threatening and even frightening to us.

Sometimes we feel that the busier we are, the more important we are—as though our busyness defines our worth. Brothers and sisters, we can spend a lifetime whirling about at a feverish pace, checking off list after list of things that in the end really don’t matter.

That we do a lot may not be so important. That we focus the energy of our minds, our hearts, and our souls on those things of eternal significance—that is essential."

I know at least some of the people I pass by everyday who see me chasing after my energetic and rambunctious toddler think that I am entangled in some kind of "net." That having a family and choosing to follow Christ and keep his commandments means that I am not free, but a slave. They couldn't be more wrong. My faith and my family are the life-giving and joy-bringing parts of my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I am not a slave, I am free. Why? I don't have any addictions that control my thoughts and behavior. I am not entangled into the new stereotype that says an intelligent woman must sacrifice her whole life in the pursuit of education and career in order to prove something that I already know: A woman is no less than a man. I am not forced by peer pressure to think and act in ways that are not logical, but rather I am allowed to think for myself. I am not trading precious moments with my eternal family for money, cheap entertainment, or revolting sins. 

I am not chained to the enemy of all righteousness and happiness. I am made free through Christ. He gives me knowledge, strength, peace, hope, love, forgiveness, joy...I am never alone, and I am never at risk of realizing that my life was all for nothing. He makes it more. He makes it enough, and I know when we see the other side, we will know it was worth every sacrifice and any cross we were called upon to bear. 

-Kamie