Just Can't Put My Finger on It...

I love sitting in my comfy love seat, wrapped in a blanket and a book, staring out my back window at the kids playing in the park. I love hearing their laughs as Emma sleeps quietly upstairs. I love the rays of sunshine that sometimes creep through the glass. I love watching students, parents, the elderly woman from the retirement center down the street, and all sorts of people walk past on the trail by my apartment. I love being a part of all the life swarming around me even as I'm nestled in my warm, safe apartment.

I love when Emma practically begs me to tickle her, and I love her surprised laugh when I do. I love watching her first pile a stack of books on my lap, and then climb up and urge me to read them to her. She quickly bores of one and is on to the next, searching for puppies and babies and horses, her favorites. I love the adorable sounds of "ruff ruff" and "puppy" and "baby" that escape her lips. I giggle when I know it's nap time because Emma points to the crib and asks for her binky and her baby doll. My heart melts when after rocking, singing, or cuddling, she finally falls asleep in my arms. These moments are the moments I think I may have died and gone to heaven.

Emma reading in her favorite chair :)

She only looks like me when she's sulking haha :)

I love that there is always someone new, fun, and interesting to talk to in my ward. There are so many young couples, in fact, that I think it may take a year to have them all over if Nate and I keep our goal to have people over once a week. I love that they're all different and that I can learn a lot from them. I love game nights and playgroup and zumba. I love that I have neighbors that I not only know and like, but that I can count on when I'm in a bind. I love that Emma's new pal, Tessa, lives next door. 

She's already best buds with the Bishop :)

I love that having a super busy husband in dental school, a circumstance which some may pity, has led me to become a new, more independent person. I love that I can carry out the trash myself, open the lid to the sugar bucket myself, make and clean up dinner by myself, wash and fold the laundry myself, and take care of Emma's needs during the day, while still having time for exercise, scripture study, reading, and teaching myself piano. I love that I can usually do all this without resentment. I love that I am still growing and improving everyday even with my extremely busy schedule.

I love that the institution of marriage and family still works despite challenges, and in fact holds society together. I love that Nate makes time to watch Emma twice a week while I go to zumba. I love that we watch "Once upon a time" and eat ice cream on Monday nights. I love that we squeeze a date in on weekends between his studying and working in the lab. I love that he never complains about how hard he has it, even if I break down and complain to him. I love when he plays with Emma and they both laugh and laugh. I love having a family.

I love having my Grandpa and my uncle Joey close by for the first time in my life. I love driving on the highway at night and passing the glowing, sleepless city. It takes my breath away every time. I love all the fun activities there are to do here. I love that my beets and chard are actually growing here in the winter. I love that I went outside today without a jacket in November.

Emma and Claire, Joey's daughter :)

Hiking Camano Island, Nate showing Emma a jellyfish.

The zoo is just around the corner! Emma loves animals!

Basically, there are so many things that I love here in Seattle, that I just can't explain why I wake up each morning feeling like there's just a little something missing. I just can't put my finger on it. I've had this problem my whole life. It's like birthdays. They never actually end up being very fun because you spend so much time anticipating it and getting your hopes up. Well, maybe I had unrealistic expectations, I don't know. I do know that besides the traffic, I really have no major complaints about Seattle. I'm doing just fine. If I could change anything I would move my family and best friends a little closer, but who wouldn't?

Emma doing yoga in church :)

Love,
Kamie

I'm Wrong

Okay, so I'm about to admit to everyone that I'm not perfect. Oh wait, you already guessed that! Well, I'll tell you anyway :)

I've always been what I now call an "all or nothing" person. This means that I'm either all in something or I'm not in at all. I cannot or will not (still deciding) do something that I'm pretty positive I'll fail at, or attempt something when I can't contribute the time and energy needed to make it a complete success. You might call this a form of perfectionism. Anyways, obviously this has held me back in a lot of ways. It's also simplified my life and helped me sort out my priorities. But the point of this post is not to talk about my perfectionism. Rather it's to admit that unbeknownst to me this was affecting my view of others in a negative way. I clearly needed some humbling so the Lord opened my eyes and helped me to see.

On August 12, 2012 I became a mother. My "all or nothing" self clung to this role with a fierceness that shocked even me. I became a mama bear like no other. I began to defend motherhood and it's importance every chance I got. I felt that others who were not mothers were judging me and looking down on me and what I did, so I had to speak up! And occasionally I would judge...

And I was wrong. Not about motherhood, I have no regrets on that score. Choosing to become a mother was absolutely right for me. I was wrong in my judgements of others. My naivete led me to question others' life choices, especially if they differed from mine. That was before I met wonderful women struggling with infertility. That was before a good friend lost her unborn child at 39 weeks. That was before I realized that everyone is suffering in one way or another, and most of the time it's in ways we can't see.

Even as a child I earned a reputation for being wise. My grandma always told me I had wisdom beyond my years. Well, I don't feel wise anymore. I've spent so much time thinking I knew it all and had everyone figured out, and now I realize I know nothing!

But the Lord knows.

And what a comfort that is.

I'll never be able to truly put myself in some else's shoes, but He can.

I'll NEVER be able to judge the heart of another person, but He can.

I'll never be able to succor the weak or lift the hands that hang down without the help of a Savoir who has decended below all things and has overcome.

He has and He continues to overcome.

When first coming to Seattle, I started to feel a little bit sorry for myself. I saw families that had this or that better than me or didn't have this or that trial. But as I was diligently seeking for answers from the Lord about where I needed to take my life, I found that I was being incredibly selfish, not to mention covetous! Oh, and I was wrong (are you sensing a pattern here?). I discovered I needed to turn outwards. Nate and I have since made a goal to try to invite people into our home weekly. We've met so many awesome people, all different, and all spectacular in their own ways. I've seen more how the Lord loves each of them individually for who they are and who they can become.

The most memorable for me so far was when we had a Muslim family in our neighborhood over for dinner. We had a nice chat about religion and shared some delicious middle eastern bread they brought to share. I felt so uplifted being able to get to know them. I feel so blessed to have met some really amazing people that I would not have met had I not followed this prompting.

I also thought missionary work was too hard for me. I was wrong! I had felt prompted that I needed to step up my game in this area. I was afraid, but I prayed for missionary opportunities with real intent. Before I knew it, an opportunity was throwing itself at me! A friend of mine was chatting with a neighbor of ours who goes to a non-denominational church. She bravely started asking her questions about her church while I listened from the sidelines, shaking violently as I realized soon I would have to say something! The next thing I knew, the conversation had switched to our church and the differences between the two. Soon I was pitching in, and by the end we could feel the spirit so strongly as we testified of our beliefs. I think this helped strengthen our relationship with our neighbor as we better understood each other's beliefs. I felt so happy and excited afterwards that it made me want to have more experiences like that :)

I thought that the craziness of Nate's second year of dental school and my second year of mothering an energizer bunny would hurt our relationship and drive me crazy! I'm happy to say I was wrong! :) The moment I realized that Nate's burdens were just as heavy as mine, if not heavier, was the moment I no longer complained about doing the dishes or changing a poopy diaper. I found renewed strength to accomplish all of my duties without relying on Nate. Nate also found that he was able to organize his time and work faster so we could spend time together in the evenings. I know the Lord was helping us and will continue to help and guide us.

I'm humbled. I now know I'm pretty much wrong about everything. Oh well! I don't have to figure it out alone. One thing I know I'm not wrong about: the Lord.

-Kamie