I was going to be a writer. Period.
I was convinced I could write something deep and beautiful that was going to change the world, at the same time impressing all the publishing big wigs in New York. Oh, and not to mention, I was going to do it WAY better than those other New York Times Bestselling authors (cause really, a lot of what they write is just garbage 😋).
If your eyes are rolling about now with how niave and prideful that sounds, I'm totally with you, trust me! But that is where my head was when I began my writing journey. The hilarious thing is, after spending nearly 10 years writing my perfect book, I was soooo close to accomplishing my goal. But it was right at that moment that God gave me something better. We'll get to that later.
I loved writing. But was I HAPPY being a writer? No. It was isolating and time consuming. Worst of all, I was so busy being in an imaginary world that I never really saw the beauty of being in this one.
So why did God allow me to keep writing for so long? I mean, couldn't He have bopped me on the head a lot sooner and let me know I was in need of a course correction? Well, yes, but then I would've missed out on the miracle.
See, there's things you learn as a writer that, really, you don't learn any other way. Most people don't care to unravel human nature the way writers do. And if they do (e.i. a psychiatrist or counselor), they rarely get to take that person from beginning to end and decide what happens to them and whether they'll change. No, an author is a creator, and as such they hold a unique perspective. A perspective, dare I say, quite similar to Christ's, because their medium is people's hearts. After all, didn't He call Himself the AUTHOR and FINISHER of our faith?
First, a few things about writing. The really good writer's know about something called a character arc. This is, in short, who your character is at the beginning of the story and how they will change as the story progresses. If it's a positive arc, your character is going to change for the better in some way by the end of the story. We crafty little artists have the job of figuring out exactly how to test and torment our character throughout the story to make that happen (all the while keeping you entertained). It's not an easy job, believe me, but it is insightful. If a character starts the book believing they'll never be accepted, you've got to bump that character up against all sorts of acceptance until, finally, they accept that they can be accepted! We call this beginning belief the LIE THE CHARACTER BELIEVES. Along the way, things happen that cause the character to first question, and then ultimately reject the lie in favor of the TRUTH. (Don't forget, truth is basically a synonym for Christ throughout scripture 😉).
As I was learning all of this, I was also busy having babies, moving lots of times, and struggling depression and anxiety. Writing was, in some ways, a coping mechanism. But what I couldn't see then was that I was full of my OWN LIES, and Christ was doing His best to bump me up against all the right hard edges until finally I could see HIM, and by extension, the truths that would set me free.
You see, we all have our lies that we believe. In the mental health world they have all sorts of fancy names for these lies, but I love the simplicity of looking at it from an author's perspective. We may be the character that has given up on love, or we may be the one whose forgotten how to trust. More likely, we're the character whose forgotten who we are and needs life to jostle us around till we wake up! The challenge is getting out of our own head long enough to be able to identify our lies rather than letting them have free reign.
For me, I was totally lost in the lie that my worth came from worldly achievements (which were few and far between in the world of motherhood), and the lie that what other people believed was more important than my own intuition (e.i. the spirit). The list goes on, but basically, these lies held me captive, and I wasn't free to live my life the way the Lord had intended me to live it as long as I kept clinging to them. And as long as I was captive, I would continue to spin into bouts of depression or anxiety.
There was a very clear "wake up" moment for me. Someone shared some information with me that helped me see that one of my lies was not true. There was a huge mental shift that happened for me at that time. But just as an author uses a whole string of plot devices to get their character from point A to point B, Christ lead me along step by step, carefully unraveling the beliefs that were keeping me so miserable. Because that's what lies do! Our spirit will always recognize them as untrue and will resist them. This leads to a battle within ourselves (it may sound like an "inner critic") and ultimately it make us unhappy. I learned that, though it is initially difficult and sometimes painful to see the truth, it is usually less painful than keeping the lie.
I promised you a miracle, and here it is: when I finally gave my lies over to Christ, I CHANGED. I no longer get trapped in Satan's whisperings that would pull me down into depression and anxiety. Also, I recognize who I really am and am busily doing the work the Lord has given me to do. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing JOY.
I give Christ full credit for this change, because I know that for years I did everything in my own power to overcome my challenges. I even sought help from professionals that proved insufficient. But it wasn't until I gave my whole heart to Christ (which, in my case, included giving up writing altogether) that the healing finally came. That healing came in the form of TRUTH. The truth about my real identity. The truth about my purpose. The truth about God's plan in these last days. The truth about Satan and his desire to destroy me. The truth about right and wrong. The truth about what really pleases God. And much much more! Life still has it's challenges, but now I can face those challenges armed with truth.
I still have plenty to learn on this journey, but I am finding that I'm on the lookout for my lies and am more willing to allow Christ to teach me truth. It's a beautiful process that I highly recommend to you!
My prayers for others have also changed. I can now fully love and accept others without accepting their lies. And I can pray that Christ will help them to see the truth that they need at this time. Because He really is the author and finisher of their faith, and yours, and mine.
I am thankful for a Savior who allowed me to wander for many years until I was ready to fully come into Him, He who possesses all TRUTH. I know He was by my side even when I was lost, and was guiding me and preparing me to be healed from my lies. My hope and prayer for all of us today is that we can have the same healing and blessing, to surrender our lies and see ourselves, each other, and Christ as we truly are. When this happens, broken hearts will heal, conflict will cease, and we can finally be ONE in Christ.
All my love,
Kamie
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