My Christ Story- The Trial of my Faith

The Trial and Witness of my Faith

I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are ^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith.        -Ether 12:6

I have felt inspired to share my Christ story. I believe we can receive revelation for ourselves, but not for others (that are outside our authority). So although I have felt a need to share this, it is up to you what you take out of it.

The time period that I would call the “trial of my faith” started shortly after finishing dental school. Four years earlier I had come out of BYU full of understanding and love of the gospel and wanted to share that with others. I wanted to stand for truth. 

During dental school I at one point commented on a post about a moral issue and what I said wasn’t very politically correct. I was ostracized. Not so much by my dental classmates, but by the medical students that we shared classes with. It hurt bad. I also realized how my comments may have hurt others (indirectly because I was just addressing the topic in general and meant no offense). 

I felt crippling guilt and insecurity after experiencing a taste of cancel culture. I may have become ashamed of the doctrine of Christ. The next few years were very difficult. I also realized how I didn’t understand or have good answers to all questions.

I was still exhilarated by doing the work of the Lord and served as a ward missionary and later as the ward mission leader. But I wasn’t as Christlike as I should have been. Dental school was a stressful time with moving partway through school, getting diabetes, etc. I was doing good in some areas, but lacked in others. I wasn’t as patient or loving as I should have been. Our ward in Seattle was interesting. We had great people and also several people who would in Elder’s Quorum say why they didn’t believe in the church or God (sometimes even those teaching the lesson). 

My faith still burned bright and I often had discussions with a classmate of mine that was atheist, but was interested in debating the Bible. His parents pushed Christianity on him and he studied to push back by knowing more than them. I viewed this as a chance to share my belief, but it also fed my temptation to try to prove the gospel. I had learned on my mission that you can’t prove it and only the Spirit can convince people. But I started to forget that lesson because of the intellectual culture of the area and also the false belief that as a young professional I had to share intellectually instead of based on the Spirit.

I later realized that over time I had grown frustrated that you can’t prove the gospel. I didn’t see it as it was happening, but in hindsight I realized this helped lead to a weakening of my faith. But I started to wonder how science and religion fit together. I questioned why there wasn’t more evidence of the Book of Mormon and why we didn’t know where in the Americas it had taken place. I was confused about carbon dating and the history of the Bible.

I continued to serve in the church and was doing my best. But life was hard and stressful and Kamie struggled with bad postpartum after Lydia was born. After becoming Young Men’s President I realized how hard it was to have everyone looking to me. I loved serving, but I felt most excited by the self-help books I was reading that were helping me through the stressful time of starting my professional career. I didn’t feel nourished by the scriptures, even though I was reading them. I felt like I knew the scripture stories from my youth and wasn’t getting a ton of new info from them. It didn’t help that I didn’t know what was literal and what was figurative. I was serving to the best of my ability at the time, but if I had been born of the Spirit I could have done much better in my labors. I wish I could change that now. But I worried too much about making others think I was doing well in my calling and got run down by the managerial aspects and wasn’t thriving in the Spirit. 

After we moved back home closer to family we still struggled. I kept pressing on in faith because I wanted it to be true, despite not having all the answers. 

But the Covid shutdown was a good opportunity to slow down. Doing sacrament in our own home helped me turn to God and feel power from using my priesthood to bless my family. Having more time helped me connect with God and feel His hand again. I started getting more out of Come Follow Me. I had no calling and no responsibility (since we were new) and it was a long time before we attended our own ward again (due to Covid). Having this chance to escape from the mindset of pleasing man helped me start to worry more about pleasing God. 

At the beginning of 2021 my parents said they had a trip planned to Mexico and their friends were too worried about Covid to go. They asked if we wanted to go. We were excited. They said we would go to Chichen Itza. I had a friend that had went to the pyramids in Egypt and I remember thinking “I want to go to one of the wonders of the world.”  I was happy to see Chichen Itza was one of the “new” wonders of the world, but didn’t know much about it other than it was some ruins.

We got to Mexico and had a really good time. A few days into the trip we went to the ruins. As we got in I remember there being a unique feeling around the place. The way they had designed it to create echoes and aligned it with the nearby cenotes was cool. You could feel why it was a wonder of the world. Then our tour guide showed us the “white bearded god” with the twelve men around him. It was at this time I realized Chichen Itza was one of the places Christ visited after his resurrection. I knew more than ever that the Book of Mormon was true. It wasn’t the evidence, but the way the Holy Ghost spoke to me about one of the key elements that had been part of the trial of my faith. 

I had gone to other ruins in the past and always remember feeling a bit disappointed that I didn’t see more Book of Mormon history in them. But here I got plenty of evidence when I wasn’t looking for it and from a tour guide that wasn’t a member of the church.

I was able to see carved in stone an image of Jesus Christ with my very eyes. I remember having before looked up evidences on FairMormon, etc. and just feeling like there was less evidence in support of the Book of Mormon than I would have liked. But having an unexpected testament to the veracity of everything I had believed, with the Spirit communicating the truth of it to my heart was something that opened my eyes. I remember thinking, “It’s true. It’s all true.” I had already started to have a change of heart, but to receive the witness after a trial of my faith was so sweet and so perfect for me and my personal struggles. I remember thinking that no matter what evidence the world could conjure up, I knew that the gospel is true. Nothing would ever dissuade me again. The world lies. The world confuses us. But, the gospel is true and it is more literal than we realize. It is all true.

How Chasing the Wrong Dream Led Me Exactly Where I Needed to Be

I was going to be a writer. Period. 

I was convinced I could write something deep and beautiful that was going to change the world, at the same time impressing all the publishing big wigs in New York. Oh, and not to mention, I was going to do it WAY better than those other New York Times Bestselling authors (cause really, a lot of what they write is just garbage 😋).

If your eyes are rolling about now with how niave and prideful that sounds, I'm totally with you, trust me! But that is where my head was when I began my writing journey. The hilarious thing is, after spending nearly 10 years writing my perfect book, I was soooo close to accomplishing my goal. But it was right at that moment that God gave me something better. We'll get to that later. 

I loved writing. But was I HAPPY being a writer? No. It was isolating and time consuming. Worst of all, I was so busy being in an imaginary world that I never really saw the beauty of being in this one. 

So why did God allow me to keep writing for so long? I mean, couldn't He have bopped me on the head a lot sooner and let me know I was in need of a course correction? Well, yes, but then I would've missed out on the miracle. 

See, there's things you learn as a writer that, really, you don't learn any other way. Most people don't care to unravel human nature the way writers do. And if they do (e.i. a psychiatrist or counselor), they rarely get to take that person from beginning to end and decide what happens to them and whether they'll change. No, an author is a creator, and as such they hold a unique perspective. A perspective, dare I say, quite similar to Christ's, because their medium is people's hearts. After all, didn't He call Himself the AUTHOR and FINISHER of our faith? 

First, a few things about writing. The really good writer's know about something called a character arc. This is, in short, who your character is at the beginning of the story and how they will change as the story progresses. If it's a positive arc, your character is going to change for the better in some way by the end of the story. We crafty little artists have the job of figuring out exactly how to test and torment our character throughout the story to make that happen (all the while keeping you entertained). It's not an easy job, believe me, but it is insightful. If a character starts the book believing they'll never be accepted, you've got to bump that character up against all sorts of acceptance until, finally, they accept that they can be accepted! We call this beginning belief the LIE THE CHARACTER BELIEVES. Along the way, things happen that cause the character to first question, and then ultimately reject the lie in favor of the TRUTH. (Don't forget, truth is basically a synonym for Christ throughout scripture 😉). 

As I was learning all of this, I was also busy having babies, moving lots of times, and struggling depression and anxiety. Writing was, in some ways, a coping mechanism. But what I couldn't see then was that I was full of my OWN LIES, and Christ was doing His best to bump me up against all the right hard edges until finally I could see HIM, and by extension, the truths that would set me free. 

You see, we all have our lies that we believe. In the mental health world they have all sorts of fancy names for these lies, but I love the simplicity of looking at it from an author's perspective. We may be the character that has given up on love, or we may be the one whose forgotten how to trust. More likely, we're the character whose forgotten who we are and needs life to jostle us around till we wake up! The challenge is getting out of our own head long enough to be able to identify our lies rather than letting them have free reign.

For me, I was totally lost in the lie that my worth came from worldly achievements (which were few and far between in the world of motherhood), and the lie that what other people believed was more important than my own intuition (e.i. the spirit). The list goes on, but basically, these lies held me captive, and I wasn't free to live my life the way the Lord had intended me to live it as long as I kept clinging to them. And as long as I was captive, I would continue to spin into bouts of depression or anxiety.

There was a very clear "wake up" moment for me. Someone shared some information with me that helped me see that one of my lies was not true. There was a huge mental shift that happened for me at that time. But just as an author uses a whole string of plot devices to get their character from point A to point B, Christ lead me along step by step, carefully unraveling the beliefs that were keeping me so miserable. Because that's what lies do! Our spirit will always recognize them as untrue and will resist them. This leads to a battle within ourselves (it may sound like an "inner critic") and ultimately it make us unhappy. I learned that, though it is initially difficult and sometimes painful to see the truth, it is usually less painful than keeping the lie. 

I promised you a miracle, and here it is: when I finally gave my lies over to Christ, I CHANGED. I no longer get trapped in Satan's whisperings that would pull me down into depression and anxiety. Also, I recognize who I really am and am busily doing the work the Lord has given me to do. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing JOY. 

I give Christ full credit for this change, because I know that for years I did everything in my own power to overcome my challenges. I even sought help from professionals that proved insufficient. But it wasn't until I gave my whole heart to Christ (which, in my case, included giving up writing altogether) that the healing finally came. That healing came in the form of TRUTH. The truth about my real identity. The truth about my purpose. The truth about God's plan in these last days. The truth about Satan and his desire to destroy me. The truth about right and wrong. The truth about what really pleases God. And much much more! Life still has it's challenges, but now I can face those challenges armed with truth. 

I still have plenty to learn on this journey, but I am finding that I'm on the lookout for my lies and am more willing to allow Christ to teach me truth. It's a beautiful process that I highly recommend to you!

My prayers for others have also changed. I can now fully love and accept others without accepting their lies. And I can pray that Christ will help them to see the truth that they need at this time. Because He really is the author and finisher of their faith, and yours, and mine. 

I am thankful for a Savior who allowed me to wander for many years until I was ready to fully come into Him, He who possesses all TRUTH. I know He was by my side even when I was lost, and was guiding me and preparing me to be healed from my lies. My hope and prayer for all of us today is that we can have the same healing and blessing, to surrender our lies and see ourselves, each other, and Christ as we truly are. When this happens, broken hearts will heal, conflict will cease, and we can finally be ONE in Christ. 

All my love, 

Kamie