Saw it Coming

For the last few months, I've been sensing that some trial had to be just around the corner. The title of my last post was "Guiltily Blessed" after all. James has been practically a perfect baby, and everything else was going smoothly as well. I actually lost sleep wondering when the horrible awful thing that was going to happen would finally hit! Though I felt something coming, I certainly never would've guessed what ended up happening. Here's the story:

We were just (attempting) to enjoying our break by visiting with family. However, on our drive to Utah, Nate had to stop and pee EVERY HOUR (which we now know was a symptom of the high blood sugar). We finally got to my parents' house past midnight on Friday night. On Saturday, my grandma remarked that she thought Nate looked like he had lost weight. Well, if you know Nate you know he hasn't got much on him to lose! By Sunday, Nate was all misery. My mom was the one who mentioned that the symptoms Nate was describing sounded like diabetes. Of course, I was all denial, but I tried to figure out which out of state hospital would take our insurance while my mom ran off to borrow a friend's glucometer. My mom distracted me by telling me a story about a girl who went brain dead before they could treat her diabetes while Nate checked his blood sugar with the glucometer. All the glucometer said was "extremely high blood sugar over 600mg/dl." Naturally, we all freaked out (calmly). That's 6 times the normal level! Nate called his mom while I packed a few things and rushed Nate out the door to the hospital. Nate was really shaken, but all I could think about was getting him to the hospital in time. That thought motivated me to hold it together.

When we got to the hospital, it seemed, as I'm sure it does to anyone in a similar situation, that the staff were moving ridiculously slow! However, it turned out that speed was not as important as I thought, and Nate was eventually put on insulin and his blood sugar quickly went back down to normal. The miracle was that his body, other than some vision changes and some weight loss, was not harmed. Normally when someone first gets diabetes, they go into ketoacidosis (basically your blood becomes acidic) which is very dangerous! But Nate didn't, and he was able to go home right away. Within a week he had gained back a few pounds, and he looked much healthier! His vision also went back to normal, so no need for his new glasses!

We admittedly lost a lot of sleep the first few nights after his diagnosis. We both worried that if Nate went hypoglycemic in his sleep, he wouldn't wake up. We somehow were able to enjoy the rest of our time with my family, though, got to catch up with some of our friends, and of course, the kiddos got plenty spoiled by their grandparents! We cut the trip a little short so we could make it back in time for Nate to see his doctor before school started back up.

Here's a few pics from our trip:

Bowling :) check out her shoes!

Playing dress up at grandmas :)

Emma loved Mandy, the doll grandma got her, the whole trip :)

Playing at the playground at the Reservoir

My little climber!

Emma with Uncle Kell

Snuggling in mommy's spot!

So, how are we doing two weeks into having a diabetic in the family? Honestly, it's been harder and easier than we thought. Nate has been really on top of managing his blood sugar, and he has felt a lot better. He's still in the honeymoon phase, so his body makes a little insulin, making it easier to manage. I've been grateful for the incentive this has given me to finally start feeding my family the way I know I should, despite the increase in our grocery bill. So while we are getting along and figuring things out, there is definitely added stress. What has been affecting me the most personally is the thought of how this will impact our future. Will we still be able to do all the things we dreamed of doing? Travelling? Missions? Etc? Will Nate still be able to live a long, healthy life? Will we always be able to access the insulin that is now keeping him alive?

This last question is what worries me the most, though I know I should have faith rather than stressing about it. However, with the madness that is supposed to occur prior to the second coming, you never know what will happen...What it really comes down to for me is the fear of being DEPENDENT. I'm excessively burdened by this fear, to the point where I won't even take certain medication, even if I need it, because I don't want to become dependent on it. I've always had this need to do everything myself and not depend on anyone. Well, as fate would have it, I found myself drawn to the book "Believing Christ" by Stephen E Robinson, and it occurred to me that my desire to be independent was quite literally damning me. What do I mean by that? Well, sadly, unbeknownst to me, I was trying to save myself rather than allowing my Savior to save me. I thought, like a lot of us perfectionists, that I had to EARN my way into heaven by being GOOD ENOUGH. I was intensely relieved to discover that I couldn't have been more wrong. This book helped me better understand the role of my Savior and how He, through His own perfection, can cover my imperfection and bring us both worthily into the presence of God. All that is required are sacred covenants that are kept throughout my life. What a beautiful truth! I know I butchered the explanation, so if you want to know more, I'd suggest reading the book. Thankfully, the combination of the humbling trial before us and the knowledge I gained from reading "Believing Christ" has helped bring me closer to my Savior, which has been a healing balm for me.

James turned 4 months the day after Nate's diagnosis.
Isn't he handsome!?

So while it's absolutely true that this disease is manageable with the daily use of insulin, the fact remains that it is not, as of today, curable. While everyday I look at Nate and am so grateful that he is still around, I'm learning for myself that those dead and dying insulin-producing beta cells require a significant amount of mourning. After all, they are lost, and though life is not too different nor much harder thanks to modern medicine, we can't help but grieve for what we loose. From now on every carb needs to be counted, and every dessert outing needs to be planned for. Nate has been so tough, but I have to admit that watching him give himself shots everyday pains me. It will be like this everyday of his life now. Pricking his finger, testing his blood, then giving himself a shot. Yes, this disease is manageable. Yes, he will live. But it's different now, and it will take time to accept it.

We appreciate all of your prayers and support. We have definitely felt the strength they provide. We are very grateful that, though we have to face this trial, we've been strengthened and provided for by a loving Heavenly Father.

Here's a few more pics from life lately:

Visiting Grandpa Skip and Cousin Claire :)

James loves his play gym! He can grab all the toys now and
shimmy himself all over the place! We call him "scoot"
because he kicks himself around on his back! Mobile at 4 months!

Jacy May, Nathan James, and Matthew Thomas at
Emma's friend Luke's B-day party. We were all pregnant
together and now we've all got these little cuties!

Friday afternoon at Green Lake :)

Part of our new healthy diet :)
Love a good strawberry walnut salad!

Can you believe how flexible that dude is!?

Emma loves picking James up.
What do you think he thinks about that?
Haha! I adore these two! :)

Kamie

Guiltily Grateful

Life is sailing by so fast these days! My little Nathan James is already three months old! Can you believe it!? Anyways, here's the short version of our lives right now.

James is cooing sweetly all day long now. He's sooooo happy all the time. He only fusses when he's had it for the day and is ready for bed. He's sleeping for a ten hour stretch now from around 7 pm to 5 am, after which he goes back to sleep till 7 or 8. Occasionally, though, he wakes up in the middle of the night and is bright and happy as if he's ready to start the day! During the day he loves sleeping in the carrier or snuggling down with mom and Emma to take a nap.

James still nurses like a champ and takes his binky, though he usually only needs it to fall asleep. He's so patient with Emma's very loud attention, though she often visibly startles him. He flirts with his mama and my mother's day balloons more than anyone else, though I think he's on his way to being a ladies man. I mean, look at that face! :)

At his 2 month appointment he was 12 lbs! He has since grown out of 0-3 month clothes and is wearing 3-6 month size, so I'm guessing he's gained at least another lb or two. He's got more rolls than Emma ever did, but I think most of his pudge is in those cheeks!

He's discovered his hands and loves to examine them, He does a sit up every time we lay him down because he wants to sit up and see everything. He loves to mouth his toys and blankets (the blanket one kinda freaks me out because he likes to have it right by his face as he's falling asleep). He's doing better at falling asleep by himself in his crib. Overall, I have absolutely no complaints! He's so fun and perfect and we love him to death!

Emma and friends at the Magnuson Park

I've decided that my kids are doomed to forever be called by a million names. James, for instance, is Nathan James to me right now, but he's "brother" or "baby James" to Emma and "James" to everyone else. Currently, I've been calling Emma "Miss Marie." It just rolls of the tongue! But I've called her everything from "zoosk" to "monkey butt!" Oh the nicknames we come up with!

Emma is going through a bit of a demanding phase right now. Unfortunately, that means she's constantly yelling at me to do this or that. She's also developing a lot of fears. Currently, she's terrified of Nate's hair gel because it has a gorilla on it. We have to hide it in the cabinet before she'll go to the bathroom. So hilarious!

Emma loves everything pink! She keeps telling me she is going to take Tessa for a ride in her imaginary pink car, and EMMA is going to drive, not mom or dad haha! She also says she wants to get married in a pink temple.

She's still so in love with her brother! She has to kiss him every time she can reach him. She's been very passionate lately, and that extends to her love for James. 

Emma has been taking a ballet class with some of her friends. They are having such a blast! I love Emma bouncing around the living room yelling, "Sache! Sache!"

Nate is doing well in dental school. Sometimes scheduling patients can be frustrating for him, but overall this quarter is going great! He's working on some crowns and dentures now. He's even doing some work for his mom at the school.

Nate's also been golfing and playing softball lately. The kids love watching daddy play!

I'm doing just fine these days. I'd say I was just starting to feel like myself again when allergy season hit! Haha it's one thing after another! Nate and I have been able to start running together a little bit and I'm not in much pain anymore, though, so definitely an improvement. I'm starting to enjoy cooking again and I've been taking the kids out and about in the beautiful spring weather. I started writing another novel in April but it's moving very slowly these days. Here's the synopsis for Back Again for those who are curious:

When Reagan first met Will, she had no idea his disappearance a few months later would unshakably haunt her. Though years later, Reagan has moved away from shabby Dayton, WA and is only an impressive LSAT score away from Law School, she still cannot get feeble, cowed Will out of her mind. All of Dayton declared him dead, but Reagan catches glimpses of him everywhere, including in her new friend, Jake. Straddling the line between her promising future, engaged to a one-day Senator and bound for a successful law career, and her past, the memory of the battered boy she had the heart, or the stupidity, to stand up for, Reagan feels that no matter what she does, she can never quite prove herself or, perhaps more importantly, make up for the mistake she made in letting Will go.

I know you're wondering, so I'll tell you: What has having two kids taught me? Well for starters, I'm learning it's okay to split the laundry up over several days, even if it seems like I'm perpetually doing laundry. Otherwise, the kids and I are getting smothered in piles of unfolded clean clothes. Also, I have to rank tasks in order of how pressing they are, versus how important. For example, when I manage to get everyone back in the house after going out, one of the children usually has a need that needs met immediately. However, my bladder is always the most pressing issue! When I take two seconds to take care of myself, I can better handle everyone else's needs, hands-down. And, most importantly, I'm learning that it is in fact possible for things to get better when you think they're already great! My two kiddos make me so happy! Even when I'm stressed or down or whatever else comes, I still feel happy most of the time, which I know is because of my love for my kids and Nate. Sure, the work load had doubled (tripled?), but so has my love and my joy.

Seriously, I feel so blessed all the time that I honestly feel guilty every time I pray. How can I ask for anything more? I'm just learning why I've felt guilty even as I've been expressing my thanks. Part of it is because I know that I will always be an unprofitable servant, but I've realized that I could be giving more. I could take my calling more seriously. I could try harder to serve others. I could strive to make it to the temple or do family history work. I've wanted to use the excuse of just having a baby and having a hard recovery to explain away why I wasn't giving my best to the Lord, but I know I can't do that anymore.

Here's a photo update of the fun things we've done since James was born:

I was in desperate need for a mental health vacation, so I convinced Nate to take us to Seaside, OR. We played on the beach, flew kites, threw rocks into the Columbia, ate some smoked salmon, climbed the Astoria Column, and ate at Bigfoot's Steakhouse. What a fun weekend! Then we headed to Nate's parents house for a few days to wrap up Nate's break in March.

Astoria, WA

Stopped by Multanoma Falls on the way home :)

We ran into Nate's great-uncle in Tri-Cities and he drew this for us!

Easter! We had a fun Easter dinner with friends again this year, and Nate made a delicious ham. Yum! 

Skagit Valley Tulips

Nate filled my love tank to overflowing by taking us an hour away to see these pretty flowers! Emma was in heaven too! That girl can't get enough of tulips haha :)

Then Nate's family came for James's baby blessing on April 12th. We explored Seattle with them while they were here.

Gum wall with Sylvia and Grandma Richardson 

Ate at the Crab Pot :)

What a handsome boy! He was so good for his blessing :)

Glad a lot of family was able to come!

Love our church building!

My sweet little family :)

Nate and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary by going to The Phantom of the Opera broadway musical! It was so good! :) Honestly, I can't believe we've only been married for 4 year! It seems like we've always been together :)

Emma and Grandma Nette

Emma, James and I got to go to Utah for a week in April. We had such a fun time seeing my family and a few of my old friends!

Emma scaring my brother.

My cousin Ginny came with her family to Seattle the first weekend in May. We rode the Bainbridge ferry with them, got ice cream at Mora's, and played at Gasworks park.

Emma had a blast with Hallie, Hannah, and Helaman!

Nate's parents came to visit just before Mother's Day. We went to the Ballard locks and watched the boats go through, then hit up the Woodland Park Zoo. 

Emma did NOT like the gorillas, but grandma did!
My favorite this time were the Asian small-clawed otters.
Emma liked the toucans and the tigers. 

Nate and the kids spoiled me for Mother's Day! Nate made me a delicious breakfast and got me this flowers! There were also chocolates and goodies to spare! I love being a mommy! :)

This weekend is Memorial day weekend, and we're going to visit Nate's family and celebrate his birthday! If it seems like we've been busy, we have! Haha :) I'm excited for more fun but ready for things to slow down a bit. I'm so grateful for all our many blessings and hope that I can be the means of bringing some small blessing into others' lives as well.

Till next time!

Kamie