Well, we've got another move under our belt (our fifth in six years of marriage), a home to call ours, an official kindergartner, a little man learning to use the potty, and a baby 38 out of 40 weeks baked. Needless to say, we've been a little busy! In all this busyness, though, I've been able to catch a glimpse of just how far I've come on this journey of overcoming perfectionism. I have my moments where those old instincts start to take over again (especially when I'm feeling afraid or vulnerable), but at the very least I'm able to recognize when this is happening now rather than becoming stuck in a rut I don't know how to get out of.
For example, owning our first house has been an incredible blessing and adventure, but it's also been the perfect storm for a perfectionist. Let's face it, it takes time and money to get things situated how you want them in a new home, both of which are limited resources. We decided to paint the whole inside of the house, and of course there were several colors that didn't turn out like I wanted. Ugh! But this is a blessing in disguise, because now I have the chance to look at those imperfect walls everyday and gradually desensitize myself to the imperfection. In other words, I'm forcing myself to accept that things will not always be exactly the way I want, and that it's okay. I can live with it. I can even learn to appreciate it and see it as beautiful.
Not getting sucked up in making my home "perfect" has been a constant challenge, and unfortunately there have been times when I've failed (did I seriously lose sleep over which bar stools to order?), but again this was a valuable lesson. I've been able to see the difference in my life between the times when I'm focused too much on the house and the times when I'm more focused on my Savior. It's like night and day. I am so much happier and feel the Spirit so much more in my life when I can step away from obsessing over perfection and focus on what matters most.
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| Best pals visiting during the eclipse |
Motto #11 is we're all still learning.
I'll never forget an experience I had when we first moved here. I knew no one, we we're living out of suitcases and traveling each week to California for Nate's training, and James was going through the typical "I'm two so I'm going to hit you" phase. I had a couple of hours to kill before Nate would be back so I took the kids to the park. Of course, James hit one of the others kids there, and I prepared myself for the typical scorn mothers of accosted children give. Instead, the mom simply turned to her child and calmly explained, "It's okay. He's still learning."
I wanted to cry. This mom, a total stranger, showed James and I an example of Christlike mercy, but she also taught me an important life lesson.
We are all still learning.
That's why we're here. Not to prove to ourselves, others, or God that we are worthy (or that our house is good enough), but to learn how to be like Him and our Savior through everyday experiences and trials. All judgement, including the scorn that mom could've given us, is misplaced and futile. Perhaps someone we know hasn't yet learned a lesson that we feel they should know, but that doesn't matter, because they are still in their probationary state, preparing for the day when they will meet God, and so are we.
This is where an important new perspective I've gained comes in. In the past few months I've felt strongly that my purpose in this life needs to be to LEARN and UPLIFT. All worthy goals relating to my family and the gospel can be pursued while seeking learning and opportunities to serve rather than perfect results and the opportunity to prove my worth. When I keep this perspective, I'm governed more by faith and love than by pride and perfectionism, and I grant myself the same mercy that the mom in the park offered: the chance to keep learning without judgement.
Today was testimony meeting, and I was pretty frustrated about being in church rather than being in the hospital holding my newborn baby. Still, I wanted to share my testimony, but I'd gotten in the habit of ignoring that feeling, and frankly, I wasn't feeling very brave. After all, I knew I would waddle the whole way up to the podium, and what if the unfathomable happened and my water broke while I was up there in front of the whole congregation!?
I'd almost talked myself out of it, but then I got a prompting, the same one I've received repetitively since moving here.
Kamie, it's not about you.
Wow, was I humbled. All of my worries were focused around myself and how others would view me, but that wasn't the picture Heavenly Father wanted me to see. He wanted me to see that I had felt prompted to bear my testimony because there was someone who, if I spoke the words given me by the Spirit, would be blessed by what I had to say. It truly wasn't about me at all.
This is a classic problem for most people, but especially perfectionists. We don't even realize it, but we spend so much of our mental energy calculating how we are perceived by others and what we therefore must do or not do in order to be judged the way we want to be judged. But there's a huge flaw in this: We aren't on this earth to judge or be judged by others! We're here to LEARN and to UPLIFT.
When I feel myself getting sucked back into the perfectionist mindset, I remind myself of my life purpose and strive to make decisions that are in line with it. This changes everything for me. It takes me from being shy and socially anxious to being able to make friends and, I hope, uplift them. It takes me from being hard on myself and others to practicing compassion and forgiveness. It takes me from being terrified of doing something new to having the courage to try, etc.
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| Emma turned 5! |
I know that when our focus is on Christ and on the lessons He's trying to teach us through the imperfections of life, we will be blessed with wisdom and knowledge that will not only bless our lives, but will allow us to inspire and strengthen others as well. And I know as we focus on the joy of learning and then uplifting, we will experience a new sense of freedom, leaving the shackles of needing things to be perfect laying broken at our feet.
All my love,
Kamie
