Saw it Coming

For the last few months, I've been sensing that some trial had to be just around the corner. The title of my last post was "Guiltily Blessed" after all. James has been practically a perfect baby, and everything else was going smoothly as well. I actually lost sleep wondering when the horrible awful thing that was going to happen would finally hit! Though I felt something coming, I certainly never would've guessed what ended up happening. Here's the story:

We were just (attempting) to enjoying our break by visiting with family. However, on our drive to Utah, Nate had to stop and pee EVERY HOUR (which we now know was a symptom of the high blood sugar). We finally got to my parents' house past midnight on Friday night. On Saturday, my grandma remarked that she thought Nate looked like he had lost weight. Well, if you know Nate you know he hasn't got much on him to lose! By Sunday, Nate was all misery. My mom was the one who mentioned that the symptoms Nate was describing sounded like diabetes. Of course, I was all denial, but I tried to figure out which out of state hospital would take our insurance while my mom ran off to borrow a friend's glucometer. My mom distracted me by telling me a story about a girl who went brain dead before they could treat her diabetes while Nate checked his blood sugar with the glucometer. All the glucometer said was "extremely high blood sugar over 600mg/dl." Naturally, we all freaked out (calmly). That's 6 times the normal level! Nate called his mom while I packed a few things and rushed Nate out the door to the hospital. Nate was really shaken, but all I could think about was getting him to the hospital in time. That thought motivated me to hold it together.

When we got to the hospital, it seemed, as I'm sure it does to anyone in a similar situation, that the staff were moving ridiculously slow! However, it turned out that speed was not as important as I thought, and Nate was eventually put on insulin and his blood sugar quickly went back down to normal. The miracle was that his body, other than some vision changes and some weight loss, was not harmed. Normally when someone first gets diabetes, they go into ketoacidosis (basically your blood becomes acidic) which is very dangerous! But Nate didn't, and he was able to go home right away. Within a week he had gained back a few pounds, and he looked much healthier! His vision also went back to normal, so no need for his new glasses!

We admittedly lost a lot of sleep the first few nights after his diagnosis. We both worried that if Nate went hypoglycemic in his sleep, he wouldn't wake up. We somehow were able to enjoy the rest of our time with my family, though, got to catch up with some of our friends, and of course, the kiddos got plenty spoiled by their grandparents! We cut the trip a little short so we could make it back in time for Nate to see his doctor before school started back up.

Here's a few pics from our trip:

Bowling :) check out her shoes!

Playing dress up at grandmas :)

Emma loved Mandy, the doll grandma got her, the whole trip :)

Playing at the playground at the Reservoir

My little climber!

Emma with Uncle Kell

Snuggling in mommy's spot!

So, how are we doing two weeks into having a diabetic in the family? Honestly, it's been harder and easier than we thought. Nate has been really on top of managing his blood sugar, and he has felt a lot better. He's still in the honeymoon phase, so his body makes a little insulin, making it easier to manage. I've been grateful for the incentive this has given me to finally start feeding my family the way I know I should, despite the increase in our grocery bill. So while we are getting along and figuring things out, there is definitely added stress. What has been affecting me the most personally is the thought of how this will impact our future. Will we still be able to do all the things we dreamed of doing? Travelling? Missions? Etc? Will Nate still be able to live a long, healthy life? Will we always be able to access the insulin that is now keeping him alive?

This last question is what worries me the most, though I know I should have faith rather than stressing about it. However, with the madness that is supposed to occur prior to the second coming, you never know what will happen...What it really comes down to for me is the fear of being DEPENDENT. I'm excessively burdened by this fear, to the point where I won't even take certain medication, even if I need it, because I don't want to become dependent on it. I've always had this need to do everything myself and not depend on anyone. Well, as fate would have it, I found myself drawn to the book "Believing Christ" by Stephen E Robinson, and it occurred to me that my desire to be independent was quite literally damning me. What do I mean by that? Well, sadly, unbeknownst to me, I was trying to save myself rather than allowing my Savior to save me. I thought, like a lot of us perfectionists, that I had to EARN my way into heaven by being GOOD ENOUGH. I was intensely relieved to discover that I couldn't have been more wrong. This book helped me better understand the role of my Savior and how He, through His own perfection, can cover my imperfection and bring us both worthily into the presence of God. All that is required are sacred covenants that are kept throughout my life. What a beautiful truth! I know I butchered the explanation, so if you want to know more, I'd suggest reading the book. Thankfully, the combination of the humbling trial before us and the knowledge I gained from reading "Believing Christ" has helped bring me closer to my Savior, which has been a healing balm for me.

James turned 4 months the day after Nate's diagnosis.
Isn't he handsome!?

So while it's absolutely true that this disease is manageable with the daily use of insulin, the fact remains that it is not, as of today, curable. While everyday I look at Nate and am so grateful that he is still around, I'm learning for myself that those dead and dying insulin-producing beta cells require a significant amount of mourning. After all, they are lost, and though life is not too different nor much harder thanks to modern medicine, we can't help but grieve for what we loose. From now on every carb needs to be counted, and every dessert outing needs to be planned for. Nate has been so tough, but I have to admit that watching him give himself shots everyday pains me. It will be like this everyday of his life now. Pricking his finger, testing his blood, then giving himself a shot. Yes, this disease is manageable. Yes, he will live. But it's different now, and it will take time to accept it.

We appreciate all of your prayers and support. We have definitely felt the strength they provide. We are very grateful that, though we have to face this trial, we've been strengthened and provided for by a loving Heavenly Father.

Here's a few more pics from life lately:

Visiting Grandpa Skip and Cousin Claire :)

James loves his play gym! He can grab all the toys now and
shimmy himself all over the place! We call him "scoot"
because he kicks himself around on his back! Mobile at 4 months!

Jacy May, Nathan James, and Matthew Thomas at
Emma's friend Luke's B-day party. We were all pregnant
together and now we've all got these little cuties!

Friday afternoon at Green Lake :)

Part of our new healthy diet :)
Love a good strawberry walnut salad!

Can you believe how flexible that dude is!?

Emma loves picking James up.
What do you think he thinks about that?
Haha! I adore these two! :)

Kamie