There is No Fear in Love: James' Birth Story Part 2

I feel so blessed to tell the story of how our little Nathan James joined our family. The story is quite remarkable, and it's been a crazy ride since.

Patiently Waiting: 

In my attempt to avoid the "counting down the days" misery of the last few weeks of pregnancy, I had decided at the beginning of this pregnancy to expect our little one to be born a week or so after his due date. Originally, this was working just fine. Then, at about 36 weeks I started to feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis that I can only describe as feeling like he was going to fall out. This feeling coupled with a plethora of Braxton-Hicks contractions led me to ask my midwife to check how dilated I was at my next appointment. I was shocked to find that at a day before 37 weeks I was already 4 cm dilated and 50% effaced! With Emma I was only at a 2 at that point. Naturally, the nesting kicked in hard core, and I spent the next week "resting," so as to avoid going into labor, which really meant cleaning every inch of my apartment and getting everything set up for baby. During the second week, I started to get discouraged. I had everything ready, was having consistent contractions every evening, and still no baby! Even with the best of intentions, I ended up getting restless and cranky that my baby wasn't there yet, even though I was only 38 weeks pregnant.

Though I knew it was silly to attempt to plan a convenient time for James to come, we all thought it would be pretty dandy for him to be born on the 12th. I absolutely had my heart set on him NOT being born on Valentine's Day, and I was worried that I would go into labor while Nate was at school and that he wouldn't be able to get home in time. My labor with Emma was less than 6 hours, so I knew it was likely I would have another quick labor. We prayed that James would be born at the right time, and we worked out a plan for our neighbors to take me to the hospital just in case. We used those exact words, "born at the right time," when we were praying just before Emma was born, and her timing ended up being perfect in hindsight. The same is true for James.

The 12th came and went, and absolutely nothing happened. In fact, my consistent contractions earlier in the week had dwindled, and I was certain I was never going to go into labor. I was still nannying Tali during this time, I ran on my elliptical every morning, and I took the girls out for several walks during the week. Nothing. The next day was Friday the 13th, and the day after was Valentine's Day. We held our breath. No contractions at all. We were able to go to the temple that Valentine's morning, then have a nice stay at home date, which was really a blessing. All of my unresolved fears were answered while I was in the temple. It couldn't have been more perfect! Heavenly Father knew I needed to be in the temple one more time before James came. And I'll never forget the joy on Emma's face when Nate walked in with flowers for her (and me) on Valentine's Day! She was ecstatic! Nate really spoiled us girls with a yummy steak dinner and a movie. I was feeling pretty content despite not having had the baby yet.

Labor and Delivery:

When a couple of strong contractions woke me the next morning, I tried not to get overly excited about it. It was only about 6:30, so I tried to go back to sleep. I listened to my Hypnobabies fear-clearing track just in case, but I didn't really think I was in labor. The fear I decided I needed to release was the fear that I would fail at having a natural childbirth. When I still hadn't been able to fall back asleep at 7 am, I got out of bed and started getting ready for the day. As soon as I was up and moving about, my contractions were four minutes apart and were getting stronger. I decided I better wake Nate up and let him know what was going on. We called my midwives, and they said that though I didn't sound like I was in a lot of pain, I'd better come in so I could start my antibiotic treatment for the Group B. We already had all our bags packed, so we dropped Emma off with our friends next door, and started off toward the hospital. I remember joking and smiling with Nate at this point despite having contractions so close together.

There was absolutely no traffic on the way to the hospital, thanks to it being a quiet Sunday morning. We were able to park behind the hospital (just a short walk to the birth center) for free because it was Sunday. I had to lean on Nate a couple of times as we walked to the car and then into the hospital, but this was mostly because I was attempting to relax through the contractions so they didn't become painful. I could definitely feel them getting more intense, but I wasn't in pain at all. We arrived at the hospital around 8 am, and the nurse that checked us in (I was so impressed that they already knew we were coming and were expecting us!) smiled at me and asked me if I was in labor (almost like she didn't think I was). I smiled back and told her yes. Nate and I were both in pretty light-hearted moods, and I was excited, not scared. I did get a little nervous because as soon as we got to the hospital my contractions slowed down a lot, and I worried they might tell me I was in false labor. However, when my midwives came in to check on me, they told me I was already 6 cm and 90% effaced and that I was definitely in labor. They said it was common to have a bit of a break from the contractions. I thought it might've been Heavenly Father intervening to ensure I was adequately treated for the Group B (4 hours of antibiotics) before the baby was born. That turned out to be a false hope, but still, the break was nice so I could rest up before transition started. The break lasted about an hour, all through the nurse checking my vitals and hooking up my IV antibiotics, which, by the way, was a horrendous experience. I have veins that phlebotomists love, and the nurse couldn't get my IV in! I had battle bruises in both arms for two weeks after my labor.

Check out the bruise on my left arm in this picture, Haha that's from the IV. 

After the nurse left I got on the birthing ball, turned on one of my Hypnobabies tracks, and focused on laboring. My contractions started up again and were about four minutes apart as long as I was resting. Nate held my hand and talked me through them, and my midwives stood by ready to help if needed but were not in my face or distracting me while I was concentrating.

When I got up to go to the bathroom my contractions went crazy! They were back to back and really strong. I knelt on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor trying to stay relaxed through the contractions. I had some bloody show at that point. After that, I decided the birthing ball was much more comfortable!

Pretty soon I started getting the chills and shakes, which I knew meant I was in transition (dilating from 8-10 cm). Luckily, I came prepared with warm socks and sweats. The contractions got closer and more intense, and I started to feel worn out a bit physically because of all the hard work my body was doing, but I still wouldn't describe the contractions as painful. I just let go and let the contractions happen, almost as if I wasn't in my own body, and as a result I didn't register the pain. Nate was sitting next to me this whole time gently talking me through the contractions. He did an awesome job staying calm and being supportive. Ana, one of my midwives, sat nearby giving advice when needed. She helped me recognize when I was tensing and helped me relax. I was having a lot of success keeping my mind relaxed, and I kept most of my physical tension in my shoulders and hands rather than in my back and stomach, which I think helped, though it would've been better had I been able to not tense up at all.

I guess I should explain a bit about what I was focusing on during my labor, since a lot of people aren't familiar with hypnobirthing. I was technically in self-hypnosis the whole time, but what did that mean for me? Basically, it just means that I was in a state of deep mental and physical relaxation. Mentally, I went to my "special place" and was happy and relaxed there. Honestly, I thought that during my labor I would become overwhelmed, and that I would have the opportunity to see or imagine my Savior there in my special place helping me through the labor because I couldn't do it alone. That didn't happen, though. In fact, I couldn't help being a bit disappointed by that, because I had been hoping that natural childbirth would be a very spiritual experience for me. However, what I did experience was equally as amazing. I remember at one point feeling peaceful and knowing that my Savior was aware of me and my baby, and that He was there to help me, but that wasn't what I was thinking about a majority of the time. Actually, what I thought about most when I was in my special place was getting to hold James. Imagining him, knowing he was real, and loving him was what strengthened me the most. When I thought about my sweet baby, I knew anything I had to go through would be worth it, and still, I wasn't really in pain. Uncomfortable, yes. Tired, of course, but pain is something entirely different. It's hard to explain, but I believe more now than ever that our minds, and how we choose to perceive things, truly affects what we experience. I didn't believe I had to be in pain, so I wasn't.

We were told when we first got there that we would be able to move into a larger room with a jaccuzi tub in it. However, my labor was getting more and more intense, and I didn't want to wait any longer to use the tub, so Nate supported me as we attempted to make our way down the hall into one of the private jacuzzi rooms. As soon as I tried to walk, the contractions were back to back again, and they completely took my breath away. Needless to say, I was more than ready to hop into the tub once we finally made it. Nate hopped in with me, and my midwives waited just outside the room in case we needed them. It was about 11:40 by this time, and I had been in labor for 4 hours and 40 minutes(ish).

My first contraction in the tub was extremely intense. The next one was insane! I told Nate that I thought I might've been pushing, and he pulled the emergency cord in the bath. The next thing I knew, my midwives and a bunch of nurses were piling into the small room. I told them I thought I might've been pushing. They asked me if I thought I could make it back into our room, but I honestly didn't know if I could, especially with how difficult it had been for me to make it down the hallway in the first place. Plus, if I still had a long way to go in my labor, I didn't want to get out of the water. That last contraction had been the first one that had totally overwhelmed me. I was exhausted and shaking pretty badly. I was just beginning to think that it might be too much for me to handle, and I didn't want to lose the comfort of the warm water before I had to. We decided to wait through one more contraction and then see if I felt like I could head back into the room.

The next contraction hit about a minute after the first, and I was positive that I was pushing then. It was such a surreal feeling! I had no control. I didn't have to concentrate or decide to push, my body was doing it without my permission, and I couldn't stop it! Ana had me stand up quickly so she could check me, and she announced that she could already see his head! My water broke during that contraction, and the midwives promptly removed me from the tub and instructed me to get on my hands and knees beside the bath. They told me I was going to have the baby right there.

Looking back, it seems pretty comical, but at the time, everything happened so fast and I was so caught up in the moment that I couldn't be stressed or scared. I got on my hands and knees just in time for the next contraction to hit. I was so focused that I didn't notice all the nurses running around with their heads chopped off. Nate said he got a little worried because the nurses seemed panicked, but my midwives and I remained calm. One contraction later, and James was out! Nate helped catch him. They handed him to me immediately. He was pure white! I vaguely remember feeling a twinge of pain in my perineum, but more than anything I felt intense relief. It felt so amazing to have him out of me and in my arms! I hardly noticed the blood covered floor as they threw me and James in a wheelchair and moved us back into our room. I do remember James attempting to breastfeed immediately. He seemed to already know what to do. The nurse had to tell me to stop him from eating so that he could get enough oxygen in his lungs first. All of this happened in a matter of minutes, and James was born at 11:45 a.m.

I will admit that the next part was very uncomfortable. First, my placenta was born, which hurt a little because my midwives had to press on my stomach to get my uterus to contract so the bleeding would stop. Nate got to cut the umbilical cord after that and the midwives collected some cord blood. I was having afterbirth contractions that were a little uncomfortable, but luckily I had James to distract me. My perineum tore thanks to James' 8 lb body bursting through it (his head didn't get squished one bit!), so then Ana numbed me up with some lidocaine and started stitching. Honestly, that was the worst part of the entire labor for me, and it took awhile because I had a sort of zig-zag tear. I could feel her stitching and tugging, and a couple of times it hurt, but even that wasn't excruciating.

Most everything that happened after James was born is a blur. What I remember most is holding James skin to skin with me and letting out a giant sigh. I had heard stories of the huge endorphin rush that comes after a natural birth, but it wasn't like that for me. I felt happy, relieved and tired. I just stared down at James and couldn't stop smiling. It was a warm, sweet feeling, most akin to joy. I remember Nate with a broad smile across his face and pride in his eyes exclaiming, "You did it!" He was so happy and proud of James and I that I couldn't help feeling good. I think part of my relief and joy came from the pride of knowing I had accomplished my goal, and of course, that it was over!

I loved that the nurses didn't try to take James away from me. I got to hold him skin to skin, breastfeed, and bond for over two hours before I told them they could take him. I was kinda surprised when they weighted him and he was 8 lbs 4 oz. That's about a pound heavier than Emma was. He was perfectly healthy. This time, Nate got to go with him to get his shots and PKU done, and I got to stay in bed and rest.

James' first bath

It was funny to see the reaction of the nurses after it was over and Nate, James and I were just relaxing and bonding. I could tell our story was the talk of the hospital. Everyone kept saying they couldn't believe how calm I was the whole time. My midwife commented that she hopes I have lots of babies because I do it so well. I have to laugh a little bit at that. I wonder how many births these people have seen, and they really thought mine was worth commenting on? I hope more women out there can discover what I've discovered and have calm, beautiful births, too.

I worry that a lot of people won't put credit to my story because I had a fast labor, which I suppose might make it seem easier. Maybe it was easier than some births, but I still absolutely believe that the principle of being elated rather than afraid made a huge difference. For more proof of that, read Emma's birth story: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2012/09/welcome-emma-true-story_8.html I was in a state of panic and as a result in a lot of pain in her labor. It was a completely different experience, and both labors were short. The length wasn't the determining factor in my experience.

Looking back, I believe my experience was a spiritual one, but in a different way than I had planned. It felt so amazing to participate fully in the biological miracle of bringing a new life into this world. I felt strong, empowered, and on top of the world. I realized that all along, Heavenly Father had already granted me the strength to be able to accomplish this task, I just had to believe I could do it. The spiritual experience was learning that I COULD do it. I could. Yes, my Savior was there to help, but giving birth naturally wasn't something that was so overwhelming that I couldn't do it myself. He created me to be able to do it myself! So, as proud as I feel of myself for doing it, I feel even more grateful to Him for building me with the inherent strength to create life. What a gift! He gave that gift to me (and you) freely! It would be an absolute shame not to use it in the best way that I can. I feel closer to my Savior now because I think that I see myself more like He sees me: strong and capable of doing the work He's called me to do. Yes, I'll need His help along the way, but there's nothing that He could ask me to do that I cannot accomplish. He has not designed me (or you) to fail. Isn't that so cool! Even in this, the Lord's love for us is apparent. What a blessing it is to take the time to see it.

If you're curious about why I chose to have a natural birth, check out this post: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2015/03/childbirth-can-be-beautiful.html

Recovery:

Immediately after James was born, I noticed a big difference between this recovery and my recovery with Emma. I remember being in an excruciating amount of pain after my epidural wore off with Emma, and the nurses, unbeknownst to me, started giving me hydrocodone, an oxycontin-like drug. The pain went away temporarily, but the drugs made me so sick! I was absolutely miserable, and to top it off, my emotional state went haywire. I almost immediately got hit with the baby-blues. I was so overwhelmed, and I couldn't pull myself together.

With James, I was in a tiny bit of pain due to my torn perineum, but the Tylenol and ibuprofen they gave me was more than enough to stop the pain without making me sick. I was up and moving around a little that day, and even managed to take a shower. I felt really weak and light-headed (I think I got a little anemic with the blood loss), but I was able to rest a lot thanks to an awesome nursing staff that took great care of me (I really loved Northwest Hospital). Most importantly, I felt like myself emotionally. I was able to bond with James much more easily, and I remember being happy, not overwhelmed or sad. My body had been through a shocking experience, but thanks to the hypnobirthing, my mind didn't have to. Mothering James came easily, naturally, and joyfully, which was such a relief to me. My immediate love for James has been such a blessing in the weeks following his birth.

Nate's parents and his sister and her family came to see us at the hospital that night. I remember I even changed out of my hospital gown and put on some real clothes, which felt so nice. Emma came in and LOVED James, then quickly got distracted by everything there was to explore at the hospital. Emma went home that night with her grandma and aunt Shanie, and she had a blast playing with her cousin, Peyton. Nate and I got to stay together at the hospital, and I even got a little sleep this time!

"Baby come out?"

"I like him."

"It's my baby brother!"

"Can we keep him?"

Trying to get a family picture haha :) Emma was way too distracted.

At first, I thought my recovery was going to be so great! By the time I left the hospital (we stayed an extra 24 hours because I wasn't adequately treated for the Group B), I wasn't taking very many pain meds and I felt amazing. However, I think I had just been extra spoiled by the hospital staff. I had hardly had to leave my bed for two whole days, and they fed me really well! When I got home, it was more difficult to rest, and I had my energetic toddler back. Luckily, my mother-in-law took care of all the cooking, cleaning, and watched Emma, so all I had to worry about was taking care of James. In fact, when I got home from the hospital, my apartment was cleaner than it has ever been thanks to Sylvia scrubbing the whole place. We had a lot of fun while Sylvia was here. I'm so grateful she came.

Going home from the hospital

Bringing James home for the first time

At the end of that first week, I was feeling a little weak still, but I wasn't in pain anymore and I thought I was mostly recovered. I even was silly enough to think I could handle a walk to the grocery store on Friday. Then, Saturday night, we all came down with colds, including James. It wasn't a very bad cold, but it was enough to completely knock out all of my remaining energy. With Sylvia gone and Nate at school, I had to take care of the kids by myself for two days while being sick. I didn't realize at the time how hard things were. In fact, it wouldn't have been so bad if things didn't get worse.

My mom came that Wednesday and stayed for a week. It was so fun to have her visit. She and Emma watched Annie a hundred times. I started watching Tali again while she was here. It wasn't very hard, except Tali decided to gain a ton of weight during the week I took off, and she was soooo heavy I could hardly lift her (my midwives told me not to lift more than 10 lbs, and she weighs close to 25 lbs at 10 months). I don't know what I would've done without my mom there. She took Emma to playgroup, fed Tali, scoured the bathroom, cooked a giant pan of lasagna, did all the laundry, etc.

Dinner on the water with my mom and grandpa

So glad my mom came to visit :)

I was just beginning to think I was recovering from my cold when my mom left the next Wednesday. Emma, my mom and I were all in tears as she left. It was so nice to have some quiet one on one time with my mom. After she left, I watched all three kids that Thursday and Friday by myself, which honestly wasn't that bad except that I still had no energy. Tali is usually a perfect angel, but Emma has been taking out her frustration on Tali lately by taking all the toys away from her. This upsets Tali and causes me stress. Anyway, by the time the weekend came, I was ready for a break. However, on Saturday I started to feel pretty crummy, and by Sunday I was running a 102 degree fever and could hardly walk from my bed to the bathroom without passing out. I called my midwives and they told me to come in the next day so they could make sure I didn't have a postpartum infection. My grandma had flown in just in time to witness my utter destruction. She was a lifesaver! By Monday morning, my fever had broken, and my midwives said they thought I must have the flu, not an infection. I thought that was good news, until Nate caught it, too, and now, a week later, we are both still recovering from the toll the virus took on our bodies. Thankfully, Emma and James haven't caught it. We had fun with Grandma Doc, though. I really enjoyed listening to all her stories, and I discovered a that I'm a lot more like her than I previously knew. We were so sad to see the "laundry fairy" leave.

Now, I'm on my own again, though Nate just finished up finals so he has a week and a half off to help out, which is a blessing. Basically, I think I would've been more than recovered (I define recovery to mean back to feeling like my old, pre-pregnancy self) by now, but my already weak body has had a really hard time dealing with all these viruses I keep catching, and as a result I'm still feeling really weak. A short walk around the neighborhood is about all I can manage right now, and James is a month old. I thought I would be back to exercising by now, especially since I was exercising up to the day he was born, but I've just been too sick and my poor heart is still struggling to catch back up. So, I'm taking it really easy, and in the meantime, trying not to lose my mind while I'm cooped up in the house with the kids all day. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. I'm so grateful that I had a lot of help this first month, though. It was definitely a miracle that my family was able to come and be here when I was so sick! Otherwise, I'm not sure how we would've gotten through! Plus, James has made things easy on us by being such an agreeable baby. So despite feeling nasty all month, we've been able to manage remarkably well. So many blessings!

Backyard picnic. It's amazing how much of a difference getting outside for a few minutes makes :)

Our New Normal:

James is a sweetheart. He is doing really well on his schedule (I decided to try Babywise this time around), and is already sleeping for 5 hour stretches at night. He really only gets fussy when his tummy is hurting after eating or if he gets too tired. He is just as wiggly outside of the womb as he was inside it. He was 10 and a half pounds at his one month appointment! He already holds his head up (he has been doing it almost since birth) and is beginning to be able to focus on things with his eyes. His favorite things to look at are me and the blinds. He is so patient with Emma's endless love, and seems to be willing to just go with the flow in our crazy lives right now.

Emma absolutely adores him. She is so happy to have a baby brother. He isn't my baby, according to her, he is her baby. She always asks if she can "kiss the baby" or "hold 'im." I'm amazed at how well she must've understood when we taught her that she was going to have a baby brother. She keeps saying "baby come out!" and she hasn't once asked if we can take him back. Actually, when we first brought him home, she asked if we could keep him. I've never seen anything sweeter than the love she has for her brother.

Emma has been pretty well behaved during this time, but she's been having a hard time sleeping, thanks to having lots of family visiting and her being a sleep fighter in general. She's acted out a bit, and certainly hasn't been her sweet, obedient self lately. However, I'd say she's adjusting pretty well.

Emma has done really well with staying potty trained during this time.
She did have one accident where she peed all the way up the stairs though haha!
You can see the drops if you look closely.

Haha! She always naps with her baby doll, and this is what we found one day :)

Nate is so proud of his little boy. I'm so in love! When I would picture him before he was born, I always imagined him as a teenage boy with dark hair that looked like my dad. Then he was born with dark hair and he looks just like my dad! Isn't that cool!? I'm glad that James looks like my side of the family since everyone always tells me that Emma looks nothing like me.

This past month has really flown by! It's all kinda a blur! I hope we'll finally all get better and that things will slow down enough for me to take it all in. All I know for sure is that I love my little guy, and that there is so much for us to look forward to with our beautiful growing family.

Kamie

Childbirth Can be Beautiful

As I look back at the past two and a half years since becoming a mother, I can see that I've changed so much! I believe most of that change has been for the better. One of the clearest ways that I've changed is in my view of childbirth. A quick disclaimer: My feelings on this topic are very sacred to me, but I do not expect anyone else to feel the same way I do. I believe every woman should have her babies the way that is best for her. No judgment here!

I began my first pregnancy with a scientific view of childbirth. I felt that if everyone believed labor to be painful, then there must be a biological basis for this. Pain is physiological, right? My study of science in college had me absolutely convinced of this. After all, medicine has progressed a ton in the last few decades. If labor wasn't meant to hurt, then science would've figured that out a long time ago, right? Instead, medicine took to developing better pain relief. The invention of the epidural, for instance, was nothing short of inspiration from God to relieve the suffering of women, whom I believe God loves and esteems very highly (more on this in a minute). Though I no longer believe the epidural is the correct solution for me, I do recognize how merciful God is in giving us this gift.

With modern pain relief and modern medicine, one would think there's not much to fear when it comes to childbirth. A large majority of us make it through the experience alive and receive a precious child as our reward, yet somehow the stories we hear most and remember are the few instances where something goes wrong. As I prepared to give birth to Emma, most women expressed fear, anxiety, or at the very least, distaste, when they talked about their labors. Sometimes I wonder if we women like to compete against each other to see who can make their birth story sound the most horrific. Why do we do this? It scares first time moms to death! Of course, I was very nervous about labor when I was pregnant with Emma. Being anxious about the whole thing, I was immediately turned off by uncaring doctors who didn't seem at all invested in me or my unborn child. This is what led me to seek other care, and I ended up with a Certified Nurse Midwife who immediately came across as friendly and caring. I felt pretty good about my choice.

On August 12, 2012, I experienced childbirth for myself. Overall, it was a pretty good experience. My labor went smoothly and Emma was perfect! However, I was shocked to discover what I ended up loathing the most about the whole thing. After the fact, it wasn't the pain (pre-epidural) that bothered me, but the emotional disconnect I felt during and after labor. When Emma was born, I watched the nurses poke and prod her, and I just could not fathom that she was MY child. I couldn't feel much at all, actually, thanks to a very effective epidural, but the emotional numbness was by far the worst part for me. I wanted to be overjoyed. I wanted to feel that gush of love that mothers are supposed to feel, but I felt nothing. Then, after the epidural wore off, my body went into shock, and the pain of recovery was enough to keep me from being able to figure out my emotions. For the next few days, I was a jittery mess of anxiety, and I couldn't enjoy bonding with Emma. The fierce mother love that I now have for Emma didn't come till much later.

For Emma's birth story: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2012_09_01_archive.html

Heading into this next pregnancy and childbirth, I was determined that I would rectify this. I've done a lot of research, and I'm shocked to say that it wasn't science at all that helped me discover the gap between simply surviving childbirth and the bonding experience that I wanted. Mostly the things of the spirit have been my guide. I discovered that deep down, I knew bringing a life into this world should be a special moment. Why would being a co-creator with God not be a beautiful experience? My intuition, the part of me that knows what is true yet cannot explain it, knows what childbirth should be; a powerful, life-changing experience that bonds the entire family. As Grantly Dick-Read explains in his Childbirth Without Fear, childbirth in it's most beautiful state is driven by elation rather than fear. I wanted to be elated when I felt those first powerful contractions signifying that my baby was on his way. I wanted to experience the miracle of my body working intuitively to bring my baby into the world. I wanted to know what the endorphin rush of holding my baby for the first time felt like. I wanted the triumph of knowing that my baby and I worked together during his birth, that we trusted each other, our bodies, and the natural process of childbirth instead of being afraid. I wanted to have the chance to walk with Christ through an experience greater than myself, and come off not only conquerer, but more importantly, a mother. These are the things I longed for, so I choose to fight for them, even though I knew a lot of people considered it a little bit insane.

The first step on my journey was to ask: Why does our culture no longer see pregnancy and childbirth as a beautiful privilege for women? The answer to this question is more complicated than I can ever claim to understand, but in my study I came across one aspect of western civilization that has contributed to the belief that childbirth should be painful. It is the cultural misunderstanding that God sentenced Eve and her daughters to suffer in childbirth because she was the first to partake of the fruit. I weep thinking of all the women who have thought of themselves as somehow inferior because they were taught that they inherited guilt from Eve. That interpretation of the story of Adam and Eve misunderstands both God, our loving Father, and Eve, the perfect example of maternal sacrifice. Eve is the woman who was willing to give up her own life in order to bring the rest of us to this earth and allow us the opportunity to live, learn, and hopefully reach our full potential as children of God, joint heirs with Christ. Do we forget that God gave Eve the title "the mother of all living?" I don't know about you, but in those words I see an understanding God who loves and respects Eve and her sacrifice. Eve is not to be cursed or punished, but reverenced. I believe that God loves Eve, just as He tenderly loves each of her daughters. Therefore, I refuse to accept that pregnancy, childbirth, and the responsibility of raising children were given to women as a punishment. In my own life, those very things have perhaps been the most meaningful and sacred of my experiences, next to nurturing my eternal relationship with Nate. No, motherhood, including childbirth, is part of what makes being a woman such a privilege.

When you take a close look at the Bible, this truth becomes clear. The verb "etzev," translated as "sorrow" in the KJ version of Genesis 3:16 where God says to Eve, "In sorrow shall thou bring forth children," is more correctly translated as "labor" or "hard work." This makes sense, because the same verb is used when God speaks to Adam and declares, "Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life." God is telling both Adam and Eve that life is going to require hard work! In their respective responsibilities, they are both going to have to put in a lot of effort. But as Eve explains in Moses 5: 11, "Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the JOY of our redemption, and the ETERNAL LIFE which God giveth unto all the obedient." Adam and Eve don't complain about the hard work that this life requires. Instead, they "bless the name of God." They understand the plan of salvation, the end goal, and they know that mortality, with all of it's hard work and even a fair amount of suffering, is necessary for the ultimate prize to be achieved. The whole point is for us to learn to be like God, and thus receive His happiness and eternal joy.

I'm coming to understand for myself the meaning of Nephi's statement that "for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." At first, I thought he meant that we couldn't choose good if we never knew evil, therefore evil is necessary. However, evil, pain, suffering and hard work are not just necessary so that we can recognize the good, happiness and joy, but they also refine us. The very things we loath and try to avoid are also the things that make us the most like God IF we handle them with faith.

So what does this have to do with childbirth? Well, during my research I discovered something called the Fear-Tension-Pain Syndrome. This theory, based on a scientific understanding of how the muscles of the uterus work, states that when anxiety or fear are present in a woman during childbirth, her body, including the muscles of the uterus, tense up. When the uterus tenses, it no longer functions effectively, and the contractions that are designed to open the cervix become restricted and painful and do not do their job as well. This accounts for a large percentage of long, painful labors in modern society (though certainly in some cases genes also play a role), according to Grantly Dick-Read. Coming from a scientific perspective myself, this theory makes a lot of sense to me. Having experienced two very different labors now, I am even more inclined to agree with it. More on that in Part 2. So, in my study of childbirth, I came across a whole field of people who believe that labor doesn't actually have to hurt. Instead of pain, words such as "pressure" and "intense" are used to describe uterine contractions. Childbirth was supposed to take concentration and work, but it was not supposed to be torture, as long as fear was not present. You can imagine how badly I wanted to believe this theory was true.

Honestly, when I discovered fear was the problem, I got a bit discouraged because fear has always been one of my greatest weaknesses. However, in my study of hypnobirthing, I discovered that fear is all in the mind, and it can be controlled. For more on my childbirth prep and learning to overcome fear, check out this post: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2015/03/if-ye-are-prepared-ye-shall-not-fear.html

On February 15, 2015 I experienced childbirth for the second time, this time equipped with the tools I needed in order to make it a beautiful experience. I can honestly say that my two labors, one natural and one medicated, were as different as night and day. Looking back on my labor with James, I have only fond memories. Yes, there were moments that were very difficult, but I really do believe that my entire family was bonded through the experience, and the bond between James and I came much more quickly this time. It was a sweet, warm, happy experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and now that I know what childbirth is capable of being, I will never go back.

For James' birth story: http://nkbsfavoritethings.blogspot.com/2015/03/there-is-no-fear-in-love-james-birth.html

I'm so grateful for my beautiful children and the gift that bringing them into this world has been!

Kamie

If Ye are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear: James' Birth Story Part 1

Nate and I recently welcomed our second child, Nathan James Bushman, into our family, but the story doesn't really begin there. Nate and I have been preparing for months for his arrival, and the journey has truly been as much a miracle as James' beautiful birth was.

Our little guy was named after his daddy, Nathan Earl Bushman, and
his grandpa, Darren James Olsen. Currently, we refer to him as James,
but he's also been called little Nate, Nate-ito, Nathan James, and of course,
Nater Tater. I figure he'll pick his favorite name when he's old enough :)

Though Nate and I were exhausted after Nate's insane school schedule last year, we really felt that it was time to start thinking about possibly expanding our family. I prayed and prayed and hoped for some divine manifestation declaring it was time to have our second child, but the answer I got was much different than the strong impressions I received when we felt we were supposed to have Emma. This time, the Spirit whispered that it was up to me to decide when I was ready. Of course, this answer was hard for me because I never feel ready! However, with lots of pondering, we finally decided that we knew Emma needed a sibling, so ready or not, James was on his way!

Awhile ago I decided that it would be so fun to keep my next pregnancy a secret from everyone, including family, until after the first trimester (or until I was showing). Then, when I actually was pregnant, I experienced a lot of anxiety and worry that something might go wrong. The combination of not telling anyone and constantly worrying was actually pretty toxic for me. To top it off, I was embarrassed that I was struggling to feel excited about the pregnancy because Emma had just begun the terrible twos and her naughty behavior was causing me a lot of stress. Anyways, that first trimester was really hard for me emotionally, which made up for the fact that I didn't feel very sick physically. I feel awful for having been so cranky to everyone during that time!

Then, one day I started to feel James moving, and my excitement grew. That's when James became real to me, and I began to be able to bond with him. When we found out he was a boy, I wasn't surprised at all. Actually, I had already assumed he was a boy, so I was relieved that I wasn't wrong. I'm extremely grateful that Heavenly Father had prepared me, otherwise I would've been scared to have a boy. Thankfully, my nerves on that subject were already calmed a bit before the 20 week ultrasound.

What really made the biggest difference for me, though, in changing this pregnancy from a fearful, anxious one to a happy, excited one, was my childbirth prep. I decided after having an epidural with Emma and not liking the experience very much that I didn't want to go that route again, so I started researching natural childbirth. During my research I discovered something called the Fear-Tension-Pain Syndrome. This theory, based on a scientific understanding of how the muscles of the uterus work, states that when anxiety or fear are present in a woman during childbirth, her body, including the muscles of the uterus, tense up. When the uterus tenses, the contractions that are designed to open the cervix become restricted and painful and do not do their job as well. This accounts for a large percentage of long, painful labors in modern society (though certainly in some cases genes also play a role), according to Grantly Dick-Read, the author of Childbirth Without Fear. Coming from a scientific perspective myself, this theory made a lot of sense to me. Having experienced two very different labors now, I am even more inclined to agree with it. More on that in Part 2. So, in my study of childbirth, I came across a whole field of people who believe that labor doesn't actually have to hurt. Instead of pain, words such as "pressure" and "intense" are used to describe uterine contractions. According to this theory, childbirth is supposed to take concentration and work, but it isn't supposed to be painful, as long as fear isn't present.

You can imagine how badly I wanted to believe that this theory was true, especially since I didn't want another epidural. However, when I discovered fear was the problem, I got discouraged. Why? Because fear has always been one of my greatest weaknesses. My entire life I've been terrified of anything that I couldn't control. I was already suffering from a lot of anxiety at the beginning of the pregnancy, so I knew that just knowing I wasn't supposed to be afraid wasn't going to be enough to ensure that I actually wouldn't be afraid during my labor. How could I keep my overanxious nature from kicking into gear once my labor started? What was I supposed to do?

Up to this point, I had never really considered hypno-birthing as an option. In fact, like some of you, I thought the idea was kinda hokey. However, a couple of my friends here in Seattle had used it and had nothing but positive things to say about it. A friend of mine lent me the Hypnobabies program, and I decided it couldn't hurt just to see what it was all about. I didn't realize when I began that I was unlocking the door to a source of wisdom I had yet to tap into, and that I was about to uncover the answers to my overarching problem of fear.

I discovered quickly that for me, self-hypnosis was really like meditation with the added bonus of training my entire body to relax on command. I listened to a half an hour long track everyday as part of my training. What I enjoyed most was the opportunity to delve into my own mind everyday, going to my "special place" and pondering. I got to know myself, my baby, and my Savior really well during this process. I had many spiritual experiences too sacred to write about on this blog, and I was able to accept truth that was previously hard for me to understand. I also figured out what some of my worst fears were and had the chance to face them before my labor. Here's a few just so you get the idea:

As mentioned before, I was pretty nervous about having a boy. I was scared James would be rebellious or violent. I also worried that he might be born with a disability. When I thought about all the possible trials I might face with my son, I felt overwhelmed with fear. However, during some of my pondering, I realized that what I needed to do was decide right now to love James no matter what. When I did that, all my fear melted away. It brought to mind the scripture: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. It dawned on me that faith is not an exact opposite of fear, but love is. When I allowed myself to really love James, I was released from the fear that had been tormenting me because I was willing to accept whatever trials came knowing they would be worth having James in my eternal family.

Another fear I had was that I wouldn't be strong enough to reach my goal of having a natural childbirth. When I thought about it, though, I realized that I had no desire to have the epidural. I went into this childbirth not even considering the epidural to be an option, where with Emma I decided I would only get the epidural if I couldn't handle the pain. I know this change in mindset made a huge difference. Also, when I thought about childbirth, I realized that I wasn't afraid of labor anymore. I didn't believe that it was supposed to be painful. I was excited and looking forward to the experience. Though I still worried that I might fail, or more so that I was wrong in my belief that childbirth didn't have to be painful, I knew that I had done everything I could to prepare, and I felt ready.

Through this process of facing my fears and overcoming them, I've come to learn the peace and the freedom that comes from letting go and trusting myself and, more importantly, my Heavenly Father. Hypnobabies teaches that fear is the misuse of the imagination. I believe that this is true. Our minds are so powerful! Most of the time, what we choose to believe actually has an impact on what comes to pass! Our imagination affects our reality! So, being optimistic and choosing to believe that the best will happen (with the added acceptance that the best might not happen if Heavenly Father has other plans, in which case whatever happens will still be best for us in the eternal scheme of things) might actually make life better. I also believe that, as children of God, it is essential that we do not go around planting and inspiring fear in others. Fear is debilitating and separates us from God and from our better selves. I've grown to appreciate the uplifting and confidence inspiring words of my friends and family, and, sadly, have learned that it is necessary to tune out the negative, fear inspiring words of those around me. Comments such as, "Aren't you nervous?" "Do you really think you can handle that?" "That's going to be so hard" and so on and so forth, stress me out a ton and make me fearful unless I actively decide not to let them affect me. I know people have good intentions and are ignorant of the affect of their words, though. Anyways, I've learned to be careful about what I say to others because of this experience, and I've started looking forward to the future with excitement and confidence rather than fear.

Something else that has had a huge impact on me through this process is my changing understanding of God. Joseph Smith taught in The Lectures on Faith that in order to have faith in God we have to correctly understand His attributes. This has been a key struggle in my faith. Being a perfectionist, I tend to think Heavenly Father is constantly disappointed in me. Obviously, this puts distance between Him and I and makes it more difficult for me to feel His love. Recently, I read The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens, and it really opened my eyes. It reminded me that Heavenly Father chose to be my father and he chose to love me knowing all along that in choosing to love He would make Himself vulnerable to the pain of watching me struggle and make mistakes. He is not a heartless, demanding father. He is a loving, involved father who weeps when we weep, and in return, rejoices when we rejoice. He wants us to be happy. I couldn't help feeling like I was asking for too much when I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me to be able to have James naturally. I kept thinking that I didn't deserve a blessing that meant so much to me because I was so imperfect. However, after reading The God Who Weeps, I realized that I don't have to deserve or earn God's love and His desire to bless me. He tells us to ask, and it will be given us. My desire for a successful natural childbirth was a righteous desire, so it was wrong of me to be afraid that God would not grant it simply because I was not perfect enough. He did grant me my desire, and I know even more surely now that God cares about what we care about. He loves us unconditionally. This knowledge has lifted a huge burden that I have been carrying around unnecessarily my whole life.

Who knew when I began preparing to have a natural childbirth that it would change my life? I had no idea the miracles Heavenly Father had in store for me. I feel like a brand new person, and I can't believe the difference in my confidence, faith, love, and happiness.

For the rest of James' birth story, look for Part 2 :)

Kamie

You Know You're a Mom When...

I guess the fact that we're about to welcome another child into the family is making me sentimental. Everyday I look at Emma and get teary eyed. How could I possibly love her so much? I thought I loved her when she was born, but even that love pales in comparison to the love I have for her today. We've had such a fun two and a half years together! I couldn't be more proud of my little girl!

I've been reflecting a lot on how my life has changed since Emma became a part of it. The thoughts all started to fall under the same headline. There are a million more things that fall under mommyhood, but these are the ones I'm experiencing with Emma right now.

You know you're a mom when...Any chocolate in the house becomes "mommy's special chocolate" and needs a clever hiding place in order to be kept out of toddler hands.

You know you're a mom when...Sharing mommy's special chocolate becomes a pre-nap ritual that both mom and daughter giggle over.

Chocolate face :)

You know you're a mom when...The words "I poop in the potty!" are music to the ears.

You know you're a mom when...You're grateful for a memory foam bathmat because you spend a lot of time sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for your child to finish using the potty.

You know you're a mom when...Your child using the bathroom becomes a game of her giggling and saying, "Mommy don't look!" and you peeking occasionally just to make her laugh.

You know you're a mom when...The top of the fridge becomes the only place in the house even remotely out of your toddler's reach, and thus it becomes full to the brim of everything you want to keep safe.

You know you're a mom when...Nap time becomes sacred and nothing makes you angrier than someone waking up your child!

You know you're a mom when...You feel like a part of you is missing every time you're away from your child for any length of time.

You know you're a mom when...Your child is in charge of your portion control. Suddenly your cereal has a toddler spoon in it, and your lunch is half eaten by the time you take the first bite. The truth is, you enjoy this.

You know you're a mom when...A silent evening at home becomes a treasure that you wouldn't trade for any amount of fun.

You know you're a mom when...Driving through a tunnel requires cheers and whoops, as does pulling into the parking lot at home. Emma always shouts excitedly, "Emma's house!"

You know you're a mom when...You catch yourself telling your two your old that they're your best friend.

You know you're a mom when...Your child yelling enthusiastically, "Mommy did it!" every time you button a button or zip a zipper makes your day.

You know you're a mom when...You say the words "poop," "pee," and "potty" multiple times a day.

You know you're a mom when...You're no longer grossed out by poop, pee, spit-up, snot, or pretty much anything else a child secretes.

You know you're a mom when...Your alarm clock becomes, "Mommy wake up! All done sleeping!"

You know you're a mom when...You endure an entire day of running a child up and down the stairs to use the potty, and you wake up the next day ready to do it (and all the other exhausting things being a mom entails) again.

You know you're a mom when...You have to try really hard not to giggle during family prayer because your child insists on praying for all of her friends and family by name, shouting each one at the top of her lungs.

You know you're a mom when...Your proudest moment is when your child recognizes a picture of Christ and excitedly exclaims, "Mommy, it's Jesus!"

You know you're a mom when...Cuddling, kissing, tickling and nibbling on your child become far too tempting to resist.

You know you're a mom when...You realize there is nothing you wouldn't do to protect your little one.

You know you're a mom when...You tear up a little bit every time your child smiles and says, "I love you mommy."

Now here's a summary of this pregnancy and how it has been different from Emma's:

I remember when I was pregnant with Emma I would wake up in the middle of the night STARVING, and I'd have to eat a bowl of cereal (usually cocoa puffs) before I could fall back asleep. The same thing would happen every morning, and I would moan in bed complaining to Nate that I was so hungry I would die if he didn't bring me breakfast immediately. I wasn't making it up either. It really was that painful, excruciating kind of hunger that makes you so sick! Everyday! And Nate generously got me a bowl of cereal every morning without laughing at me (too much). I craved citrus, pickles, and sour candy with Emma, but really I wanted to eat anything I could get my hands on.

This pregnancy has been weird because I haven't felt any hungrier than normal. In the first trimester, I actually didn't feel hungry at all. I would occasionally get low blood sugar and feel faint, and that would remind me to eat. It's easy to forget to eat when taking care of kids. Anyways, in the second trimester I started to get the insatiable hunger again, but then I started a low-gluten diet. I've discovered that eating a lot of gluten messes with my body's natural hunger signals, sometimes making me not feel hungry when I'm fasting and sometimes making me feel starving even after I just ate. Gluten also aggravates my allergies and asthma, which were really bad the first trimester of this pregnancy, and that was enough to convince me to go off of gluten. So, as far as eating goes, my body has been much kinder to me this time around, and has only told me I need to eat when, in fact, I actually need to eat. My appetite was, of course, way down in the first trimester, so I only ate when I had to. I couldn't even look at goodies because they made me nauseous. I've craved citrus again, which has motivated me to eat a lot of fruit. It wasn't till after Christmas, and into the third trimester that I suddenly had a huge craving for junk food. Hot chocolate, sea salted dark chocolate, pie, caramel popcorn, ice cream, popcorn with milk duds, and brownies have all taken their turn being my NEED.

With Emma, I was busy with school and working at BYU Catering, so I didn't really make exercise a priority. I remember feeling exhausted, sore, and yucky all the time. It wasn't till the third trimester that I attempted a little prenatal yoga, jogging on the elliptical, and cycling. Just that little bit of activity helped me so much! This pregnancy, I've tried really hard to exercise almost everyday, and I can tell it makes a difference. I can feel my blood pooling in my legs if I haven't been active, so I know the exercise is helping my circulation and keeping my lungs and heart in shape, even if I'm giving a lot of my muscles, especially my abs, a break. All it takes is a few minutes on the elliptical or some prenatal yoga, and I feel great!

I was pregnant with Emma in the summer, and that was absolutely miserable. I can't tell you how many buckets I sweated before she was born! It was agony! I felt like I couldn't possibly shower enough. My hands and feet swelled a ton! This time, it's conveniently cold. I keep my house cooler than I normally would, especially at night, and I avoid a lot of the overheating and swelling that comes with pregnancy. It's great!

Let's be frank. When I'm pregnant, I need a lot of sleep. That's how my body copes. I remember sleeping 12 hours a night by the end of my pregnancy with Emma. Now, I'm lucky if I get 8 hours at night, but I almost always get a nap (1-3 hours) everyday to make up for the difference. I'm so blessed that Emma and Tali will both take a long nap at the same time so that I can catch up on my rest. I'm going to need a lot of extra stored up for the next few months!

I remember crying over everything when I was pregnant with Emma. I was really emotional, and completely overwhelmed by the idea of having a baby. I had no idea what it was going to be like! I had to actively think of all the things that were cute about babies so I would be excited rather than terrified (I've never been good at first time experiences). This time, I have been just as emotional, but in a different way. I know now what having a baby means. I know what things to be excited about and what things are going to be difficult. In the first trimester when I wasn't feeling well, it was easy to think of all the things that were going to be hard and feel overwhelmed or scared. Now, I'm feeling more and more excited. It seems silly to me to be afraid of losing a little sleep and constantly smelling like spit-up. I know babies are worth it. I look at Emma everyday and I couldn't be more convinced that I made the right decision by bringing her into the world. I know the same will be true about her little brother.

Emma was extremely active in the womb. She would throw entire limbs around, and I could see them poking out of my stomach sometimes. This little guy moves a lot as well, but in a different way. He wiggles subtly. He doesn't kick me as hard or do back flips. He nudges his foot or his back against me, leaving me feeling like my uterus is going to pop. With Emma I felt jabs and kicks, but with him I feel lots of pressure, like he's stretching and trying to make more room for himself in there. Both of them have elicited comments from my midwives about how active they are since they are almost always moving around when we're trying to listen to their little heartbeats.

I got heartburn a lot sooner with Emma, near the end of the first trimester. I remember chewing tums all through the night so that I could sleep. This pregnancy, the heartburn didn't hit till 32 weeks, but it has hit really hard! I've taken to drinking a cup of watered down baking soda every night. Even that sometimes isn't enough to quench the pain. The more he wiggles, the worse the burn. There's just not enough room for him and my stomach in there! I've been really lucky to not have any digestive issues with either pregnancy, though, other than having to pee every hour (or every ten minutes nowadays).

My gums got really swollen and bled a lot when I was pregnant with Emma, but otherwise, my mouth made it through unscathed. This pregnancy, I was shocked that my mouth seemed normal. Then I woke up one day and noticed my gums were receding! I'm kinda freaking out because gum recession is irreversible! I wonder how many kids I can have before my gums are totally gone. Grrr!

I'm happy to report that I've gained a much healthier amount of weight this time around. With Emma, I gained almost 40 lbs. I was also 10 lbs heavier at the start of her pregnancy than I was at the start of this pregnancy. I've gained around 20 lbs this time, which is on the lower end of the range my midwives recommend, but is still within the 18-35 lb ideal range. I've been eating lots of protein and staying active, so I feel like my body is doing what it's supposed to do, and the excruciating self-consciousness I felt when I was pregnant with Emma is not nearly as bad this time, which is such a relief. Seriously! Other than my poor face, which can't help looking chubby no matter what I do, most of the rest of me looks like my normal self (minus the giant belly of course!).

This pregnancy

Emma about 30 weeks

Emma about 36 weeks

With Emma, my nesting made moving to Spokane a month before my due date possible. I had the house unpacked and ready for the little one in no time! Actually, since I was convinced she was going to come two weeks early, I sat around with nothing to do for that last week and a half before she was born! I was walking around dilated to a three before I went into labor with Emma, and she was born four days before her due date. This time, my nesting kicked in once we got back from our Christmas vacation. It's gotten progressively stronger as my Braxton-Hicks contractions have gotten more and more frequent. The last week or so I've felt a lot of pressure in my perineum, and it almost feels like the baby might fall out. Turns out I am 4 cm dilated and 2 cm effaced already! I'm glad to know I wasn't just imagining the pressure. Anyways, looks like Emma's little brother may come more than four days early.

Can't wait to write a birth story post next!

Kamie