Helps for Perfectionists: We're All Still Learning

Well, we've got another move under our belt (our fifth in six years of marriage), a home to call ours, an official kindergartner, a little man learning to use the potty, and a baby 38 out of 40 weeks baked. Needless to say, we've been a little busy! In all this busyness, though, I've been able to catch a glimpse of just how far I've come on this journey of overcoming perfectionism. I have my moments where those old instincts start to take over again (especially when I'm feeling afraid or vulnerable), but at the very least I'm able to recognize when this is happening now rather than becoming stuck in a rut I don't know how to get out of. 

For example, owning our first house has been an incredible blessing and adventure, but it's also been the perfect storm for a perfectionist. Let's face it, it takes time and money to get things situated how you want them in a new home, both of which are limited resources. We decided to paint the whole inside of the house, and of course there were several colors that didn't turn out like I wanted. Ugh! But this is a blessing in disguise, because now I have the chance to look at those imperfect walls everyday and gradually desensitize myself to the imperfection. In other words, I'm forcing myself to accept that things will not always be exactly the way I want, and that it's okay. I can live with it. I can even learn to appreciate it and see it as beautiful.

Not getting sucked up in making my home "perfect" has been a constant challenge, and unfortunately there have been times when I've failed (did I seriously lose sleep over which bar stools to order?), but again this was a valuable lesson. I've been able to see the difference in my life between the times when I'm focused too much on the house and the times when I'm more focused on my Savior. It's like night and day. I am so much happier and feel the Spirit so much more in my life when I can step away from obsessing over perfection and focus on what matters most.

Best pals visiting during the eclipse

Motto #11 is we're all still learning.

I'll never forget an experience I had when we first moved here. I knew no one, we we're living out of suitcases and traveling each week to California for Nate's training, and James was going through the typical "I'm two so I'm going to hit you" phase. I had a couple of hours to kill before Nate would be back so I took the kids to the park. Of course, James hit one of the others kids there, and I prepared myself for the typical scorn mothers of accosted children give. Instead, the mom simply turned to her child and calmly explained, "It's okay. He's still learning."

I wanted to cry. This mom, a total stranger, showed James and I an example of Christlike mercy, but she also taught me an important life lesson. 

We are all still learning. 

That's why we're here. Not to prove to ourselves, others, or God that we are worthy (or that our house is good enough), but to learn how to be like Him and our Savior through everyday experiences and trials. All judgement, including the scorn that mom could've given us, is misplaced and futile. Perhaps someone we know hasn't yet learned a lesson that we feel they should know, but that doesn't matter, because they are still in their probationary state, preparing for the day when they will meet God, and so are we. 

This is where an important new perspective I've gained comes in. In the past few months I've felt strongly that my purpose in this life needs to be to LEARN and UPLIFT. All worthy goals relating to my family and the gospel can be pursued while seeking learning and opportunities to serve rather than perfect results and the opportunity to prove my worth. When I keep this perspective, I'm governed more by faith and love than by pride and perfectionism, and I grant myself the same mercy that the mom in the park offered: the chance to keep learning without judgement.

Today was testimony meeting, and I was pretty frustrated about being in church rather than being in the hospital holding my newborn baby. Still, I wanted to share my testimony, but I'd gotten in the habit of ignoring that feeling, and frankly, I wasn't feeling very brave. After all, I knew I would waddle the whole way up to the podium, and what if the unfathomable happened and my water broke while I was up there in front of the whole congregation!? 

I'd almost talked myself out of it, but then I got a prompting, the same one I've received repetitively since moving here. 

Kamie, it's not about you.

Wow, was I humbled. All of my worries were focused around myself and how others would view me, but that wasn't the picture Heavenly Father wanted me to see. He wanted me to see that I had felt prompted to bear my testimony because there was someone who, if I spoke the words given me by the Spirit, would be blessed by what I had to say. It truly wasn't about me at all.

This is a classic problem for most people, but especially perfectionists. We don't even realize it, but we spend so much of our mental energy calculating how we are perceived by others and what we therefore must do or not do in order to be judged the way we want to be judged. But there's a huge flaw in this: We aren't on this earth to judge or be judged by others! We're here to LEARN and to UPLIFT. 

When I feel myself getting sucked back into the perfectionist mindset, I remind myself of my life purpose and strive to make decisions that are in line with it. This changes everything for me. It takes me from being shy and socially anxious to being able to make friends and, I hope, uplift them. It takes me from being hard on myself and others to practicing compassion and forgiveness. It takes me from being terrified of doing something new to having the courage to try, etc.

Emma turned 5!

I know that when our focus is on Christ and on the lessons He's trying to teach us through the imperfections of life, we will be blessed with wisdom and knowledge that will not only bless our lives, but will allow us to inspire and strengthen others as well. And I know as we focus on the joy of learning and then uplifting, we will experience a new sense of freedom, leaving the shackles of needing things to be perfect laying broken at our feet.

All my love,

Kamie

Helps for Perfectionists: Whatever's Real is Enough

Hello again! It's been awhile, but I'm ignoring the perfectionist voice in my mind telling me that I should quit writing just because I haven't been able to post in awhile. Wohoo!

 

So we're on tip #10: Whatever's Real Is Enough

First, I need to paint a clear picture of the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving. For some reason our culture has used these ideas interchangeably, but now that I've been through the turmoil of perfectionism, I can state equivocally that it is anything but healthy striving and goal setting. Why? The answer lies in this question: Where do I believe my worth comes from? 

If your answer is that your worth as a human being (and whether or not you should be loved or accepted by others) comes from your accomplishments or some other external measurable element (looks, number of friends, talents and abilities, money, etc) then you are at least in part a perfectionist (trust me on this). 

What's the alternative? you may ask. It is the belief that  your worth is both fixed (it cannot be altered by anything you or others do) and infinite (it cannot be measured by man nor is it greater or less than anyone else's worth). 

I now have a deep testimony that this second point of view is not only more healthy, but is also the truth! Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). Just like any eternal truth, we really have to believe this if we want to see the blessings of it in our lives. 

When we slip into the perfectionist state of mind, our worth becomes tied to our actions (you can see why this would lead to spikes in anxiety or hopelessness), and before we know it one little accomplishment is not enough to prove our worth. There is always more that can be expected of us (we see someone doing something desireable that we don't do and suddenly we feel as though we have to do it) and as a perfectionist it is difficult to set boundaries and say "enough is enough" or simply "that's great for them but I don't HAVE to have that in my life." 

Unfortunately, perfectionism is not satisfied with what is, and always needs something MORE in order to be "happy," but once we achieve that something more (nevermind the cost), it doesn't satisfy. We find that we are starving ourselves, chasing after things that will never really make us whole. 

Contrast that with this scripture found in 2 Nephi 9:51:

Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness. 

Are the things you're seeking after really going to satisfy you? I mean your soul, not your pride. Pride is easy to satisfy for a moment, but then it grows, and it gets hungrier, and before you know it you're sacrificing more and more of what you hold dear in order to feed your pride. 

I came across a definition of humility in Meg Meeker's The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers that has expanded my understanding greatly. I'll paraphrase it like this: Humility is having a correct understanding of your worth - not overvaluing OR undervaluing yourself. To me this means truly accepting that we are loved by God, and that we don't have to DO anything in order to earn this love. Being in a state of humility robs competition with others of it's seductive power. It will not ask for more and more, but will instead give you the strength you need in order to be who you really want to be - a true disciple of Christ - and your soul will be satisfied. 

 

Healthy striving starts with humility because when we are humble we are willing to ask God what He wants us to do and be, and then we can set goals and strive for those things, rather than for what we think will impress others (or what we think we HAVE to do in order to be "good enough"). Plus, we have His help along the way! Perfectionists will find that the road to perfection is lonely and fraught with frustration. Humble healthy strivers will have the spirit with them and Christ's enabling power to turn their weaknesses into strengths. Perfectionism is motivated by desperation and pride (because your very worth is on the line), where humble healthy striving is motivated by faith, hope, and a deep abiding joy that comes from knowing we are worthy of love and acceptance regardless of whether we succeed or fail. 

Okay, now that you see the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving, we can talk about one of the best antidotes of perfectionism - being REAL. 

Hitler is an extreme example of perfectionism, to be sure, but he is useful to use as an example here because the "ideal Nazi State" he campaigned for and murdered millions in order to achieve was nothing but smoke and mirrors. He was a master deceiver, controlling the newspapers and radios so that nothing negative could ever be leaked about what he was doing. Sadly, many were convinced that Hitler was good until it was far too late. This is the only way we can achieve "perfection" in this life - through trying to control others' perception of us. True perfection only comes through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and is a gift given after this life. 

Think about this smoke and mirrors issue. We wear clothing and make up. We cut our hair and style it. We live inside a house and drive inside cars. We hide behind our title at work, more often identifying by what it is that we "do" rather than by what we actually are. Even our body is only a shell, covering up the precious eternal part of us inside. All of this, though I understand it's purpose, is smoke and mirrors. It covers up what is most essentially US. We are not our clothes, hair, possessions, homes, careers, accomplishments, body, etc. We know this! Yet we allow ourselves to keep living the lie, to believe that our worth comes from these things when in fact, it does not. 

Why do we do this? Why do we get so tied down to things that will pass away and vanish and no longer mean a dang thing in eternity? Please do not be fooled! Mortality has very very few things that will be taken with us, and they are these: who we become (our knowledge and character traits), and our eternal family bonds. That's it! 

 

We need to understand what is real. We've all felt real moments. They are the times when we are fully present, not worrying about the past or the future, and are simply content to just BE. Nothing has to change. We watch our children play, and even though they are not perfect, we are grateful and content. We sit around the dinner table and laugh, and nothing else matters - not the fact that the meal was simple and the dishes need done - because we are together in that moment. It can happen when we work on a project as a family, letting the little ones help even though they don't do as good a job. It can happen when we're at work, when we finally finish a task because we let go of perfect and allowed our creative juices to start flowing again. 

I began to understand being REAL as I studied mindfulness, which can be simplified as the act of being present in the current moment without feeling the need to change anything - something a perfectionist almost never experiences. I like how Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, defines mindfulness. She says it's "taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not 'over-identify' with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity." So, we feel compassion toward ourselves in moments of sadness or insecurity rather than pulling out our to-do list and declaring "I've just got to pull it together." 

Mindfulness is also recognizing that we need not take every thought at face value. Many of our thoughts are lies. For example, as a perfectionist, I would have thoughts telling me that I wasn't good enough if I did not do this or that. I learned that these thoughts were incorrect, and I learned truths that I could use to defend myself against them, like what we discussed today about knowing where our worth truly comes from. And in a moment of stress or some other emotional discomfort, I learned not fight it, but rather allowed myself to experience it, being compassionate toward myself, until it left on its own.

I know this may sound a little strange. Who wants to stay in a moment of sadness rather than trying to make it stop? Our brains are hard wired to be in problem solving mode all the time, but the "doing mode" does not always benefit us, especially since it forces us to compare where we are now to where we would like to be, keeping us in a perpetual state of "Im not there yet" or "this isn't good enough." But that's what's so great about having a mind and having agency - we can change the way we think if we choose to. Having chosen to, and spending more time in "being mode" now, I can testify that I have experienced more joy and peace than I have during any time that I was in the throws of perfectionism. I've taken back what perfectionism stole from me, and I may not be as white a sepulcher, but I am more real than I have ever been. As a result, I respect sadness, as well as all other human emotions. They are all beautiful and worth experiencing. When we can love each moment, we are living real because we understand that life is only here for a short time, to be lived now, and then it will pass away. No accomplishment will change that, no perfect persona or body or reputation. We live real when we are okay with the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and will undoubtedly teach us a few hard lessons, but we love living it real anyway. 

 

This quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne is especially fitting. “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” I'm also reminded of the scripture "Be still and know that I am God."

I would add that happiness is understanding where we stand before God - that we are nothing and that He is everything - and being supremely content with that truth. What could be grander than being a tiny sliver of potential in an all-capable all-loving God's hands? When we know Him and trust Him, we are happy being imperfect mortals because we know that He will do the saving. He will end the poverty and the suffering. He will dry the tears and comfort the aching hearts. He will make the world beautiful, industrious, and full of life. Him. Not us. And we, in some small way, will be allowed to participate in that great work, and we are honored just to be His. We don't need to be anything but real and His.

Thank you,

Kamie