The End, the Beginning, and George Bailey

Being my typical "still trying to figure this mom thing out" self, it usually takes me a week to get around to the "not-essential for survival" things on my to-do list, most of the time longer than that. So forgive my delay on this post. Here's the low-down on our Christmas this year.

Nate had an awesomely long three and a half week break! This was much needed after a pretty tiring and difficult semester! We hung out in Seattle for a week, relaxing, catching up on things that needed done, and hanging out with friends. Then we took off for Tri-Cities, which is where Nate's parents now live.

Cool lights in Seattle :)

We had a blast with Nate's parents! Emma just couldn't get enough of her Grandparents! I was glad to see her so happy. I was also glad that I had been able to spend two weeks with my family over Thanksgiving, and that she had been able to bond with my family then. It's hard not getting to see my family as often, but the visit over Thanksgiving helped make up for lost time there. And, as a side note, the mishap of missing my flight during the snowstorm in Utah ended up costing us only $28.53! That was literally a miracle since Alaska Airlines was going to charge me $300 just to take the next flight! And I got to spend more time with my family. And Emma and I survived two flights by ourselves with some stress but little damage done. So, if you're wondering if miracles still happen, they do :)

Utah snow storm

My little traveler :)

Back to Christmas. It was different being in a new city for the holidays. We weren't quite sure what to do with all our free time! But we found a few fun things to do, including visiting Santa (but not actually sitting on his lap because they charged $10 for that!), watching "Frozen" and a couple other movies, visiting the temple while we had free babysitters around, going on walks, and bowling. Mostly we just hung out at home watching movies or playing games together. My favorite part was getting to chat with family. I felt like we grew a lot closer to Nate's parents just by talking! Who knew, me, the quiet one, could value talking so much? Well, apparently it's one of my love languages, and lucky for me, I'm getting better at speaking it with family and friends.

Beaver Bark amazing Christmas trees.

Emma likes Santa from this distance :)

Real reindeer!

Christmas was great, but I'm starting to feel the magic wear off as I get older. Instead of excitement when I open presents, I feel a little guilt. I know I'm already entirely too blessed, and now I'm getting even more? I still feel a little guilty, but I'm trying to turn that into motivation to be more generous and more willing to help others. It's also a good reminder that we need to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. Sylvia, my mother-in-law, and I were trying to get everyone excited for all the Christmas traditions, such as acting out the nativity, doing acts of service, reading Christmas stories, etc., but I guess everyone else was not that into it this year. I soooo need those things during Christmas in order to feel the real Christmas Spirit! I crave that spirit and the happiness it brings!

The most exciting part of Christmas day was watching Emma open and fall in love with her new toys. There is something so innocent and beautiful about a child discovering the world and filling it up with excitement. She loves her new baby doll with the matching stroller and blanket. She loves her Emma-sized vacuum and her Buzz Lightyear scooter. She loves everything, and I love the world I get to see because of her. Everyday when she wakes up from her nap, shes runs around excitedly, giggling and dancing and climbing all over things. Everyday she climbs up on my bed, reads a handful of books, and then begs me to tickle her. How can anyone be unhappy when they hear the sweetest toddler giggles everyday? She's so full of joy, and I can't help but be completely in love with her.

The cutest thing ever was Emma tearing the paper on the presents and then patiently handing me the torn pieces before she continued opening! She is trying to be tidy like her mamma :)

Speaking of love, I really need to talk about how awesome Nate is. The break was so good for us and our relationship. He took time to talk and listen, take me on dates, and even sat through some Christmas traditions that I forced on him. One of those was watching "It's a Wonderful Life," which thanks to my wonderful Gramzee, is a tradition for me. For those of you who don't know it, it's about a man, George Bailey, who has hopes and dreams, but when faced with the choice between following them and doing the right thing, he chooses to do the right thing. He lives a life in which he lives for others. One day, in a moment when things get really tough for him, an angel comes and shows him what the world would be like if he had never been born. George sees a dark and sad world, where many of the people he loves suffer greatly. He then realizes how the life he felt had been unfulfilled and futile was actually a life of great purpose and happiness. He was blessed to be able to see what the world would have been like without him, to see what impact his life had had on the world.

WOW! I, of course, bawled my eyes out (like I do every year), and Nate's eyes even got a little red, which is about as close as he comes to crying. It dawned on me that there are times when I feel just like George Bailey! He always did the right thing, regardless of the personal consequences. I try to do the same. The world never remembered, celebrated, or loved George Bailey. He never got any awards, any money, or any fame. I think it's fair to say the same about me. HOWEVER, when it came down to it, HIS LIFE MATTERED! And HE WAS LOVED!!!!! I guess I needed that reminder. There are days when I truly wonder if anyone (aside from Nate and Emma) would even notice if I disappeared off the face of the planet. Especially since moving to Seattle, I've become aware that there is no role as important and simultaneously as uncelebrated as the role of the "stay at home" wife and mom.  I will never receive awards or praise for my endless efforts, but that's not the point. It's just not the point! "It's a Wonderful Life" gets the point across loud and clear. The difference you make will probably never be known to you in this life, but you are making a difference! So, whatever your difference is, make it a good one :) What a great realization heading into a new year!

We had a fun New Year's. We went bowling with Nate's sister and her husband and his dad. Nate and his dad bowled amazingly well and we all had a great time. When we got home, I refused to let the clock strike twelve without some sparkling cider, a kiss, and of course jumping up and down and dancing on the couch with Emma (I guess she decided she didn't want to miss it so she woke up right before midnight). I made Nate get up and dance with us, and I think that was the highlight for me, all of us dancing together and being total dorks. I'm a sucker for tradition, and I hate to let a holiday pass by without a little celebration, no matter how silly.

Pretty awesome game for Nate. I did break 100 the second game!

Lastly, some updates on our family in the new year.

Nate has handled his rigorous school schedule with amazing diligence and courage. Sometimes I forget just how difficult it must be for him because he never complains! Everyone told us the second year of dental school was the worst, and honestly, though it has been tough, I'm so grateful that Nate has his priorities straight and has still made an effort to keep our family strong and happy. I'm so glad that he chose general dentistry over specializing, or else he would have to put in so much more in order to stay top in his class. He is really good about having an eternal perspective in school. He knows he is there to learn and be his best self, not to try to be better than everyone else. That would be exhausting because everyone in dental school is really smart and talented. He reminds me constantly that it is no use comparing ourselves to others, but that we need to compare ourselves today against who we were yesterday. Hopefully we are better today. I am so proud of him and am so looking forward to the end of March when the hard part of his schooling is over.

Emma is advancing in leaps and bounds. She picks up a few words and a sign every week or so. She understands almost everything I say. She is almost always cheerful and can put a smile on anyone's face. She has three molars now and one more on the way. In the last couple of days, she has started having more attitude. She has perfected her scowl, and sometimes she will just scowl for hours with no response to my efforts to cheer her up. It must be teething or a growth spurt, or perhaps just a normal "emotional" phase that toddlers go through. It has been pretty humorous for me, but I hope it doesn't last forever! I much prefer my giggly baby! Weaning has gone amazingly well, and we are down to one feeding a day in the morning, which keeps us both happy. Emma has been going to nursery for a couple weeks now for part of our church meetings. She is loving it so far and I really hope it will be an easy transition for her. She has grown to love reading, and will even cuddle up in a chair or on my bed and read by herself. She is making progress towards sleeping through the night, though teething continuously tries to unravel any progress! I can't complain because she is an awesome napper and still takes a morning and an afternoon nap, which makes my life so much easier!

Mom's worst nightmare!

I got a bow in her little tuft of hair! One day she will have long locks haha :)

Emma feeding herself at her new table. She is using a spoon and drinking out of a cup on her own now!

Rockin the outfit from Gramzee

Here's a list of the recent words/signs she has said at least a couple of times: Mommy, daddy, puppy, baby, candy, Santa, kitty, bath, banana, no, yuck (which actually sounds like a growl), hot (with the sign), please (sign), help (sign), and I'm sure there's more that I can't remember. We are working on the signs for sorry" and "thank you," but she hasn't done them yet. "Mommy" is the current favorite word, "No" the second! She knows that the stove and her food are hot, and that the dirty diaper, the trash, and the toilet are yuck. She also learned to say "Tessa," the name of her best pal that lives next door. She is also learning all sorts of animal sounds.

Emma and Tessa

Emma and Luke

One or her hobbies is clipping the strap of her baby stroller, but she can't unclip it by herself, so she'll bring it to me and sign "help" and I'll unclip it for her. Sometimes this goes on for awhile haha. We are so proud of her!

Co-trouble makers!

Then I suppose there's me. I told myself that these months were going to be a time for me to gather my strength after an exhausting year and to work on some personal goals of mine. I have been battling recurrent sinus infections and have steadily been mysteriously losing weight all year, so I decided I needed to take a break and try to get healthier. Aside from getting plenty of rest, I have been teaching myself piano, and so far I can play most of the hymns in the easy hymn book with the top hand. I have started working on the lower hand, but it is blowing my mind! Music has really become an escape for me, and though I regret not developing this talent sooner, I'm not going to let that stop me from at least making some progress now, even if it is difficult and slow.

I have been reading like crazy. I almost forgot how much I loved to read in my overwhelming college years, but now that I'm not forced to read hundreds of pages for homework, I am finding joy in reading again. My favorite books are the ones that grab your soul and force you to look at the truth, which hopefully inspires you to change. I just finished "Between Shades of Gray" (NOT "Fifty Shades of Gray") by Ruta Sepetys. Wow! It was mind blowing and I really recommend it.

I've also found joy in exercise. My favorite Christmas present is my new elliptical. We got it on craigslist for really cheap and now I have no excuse not to exercise. It is the best piece of equipment ever, and makes being a mom and being fit totally possible. Thanks honey for going through all the trouble to get me my elliptical! Also, there are free zumba classes at my apartment community center, and they are so fun! I forget I'm exercising because they are so fun! I've also been walking the three mile loop around Green Lake with friends. Yay for trying to be healthy and having fun at the same time! No boring running for me! (No offense if running is your thing haha). Hopefully I'll be good as new in no time :)

Here's my mini garden which is miraculously surviving without much help from me. I thought it was toast after the frost this year (is that an oxymoron?), but here it is, still alive!

Nate's parents visited this weekend and we rode the ducks! We had a blast :)

I've got a generously long list of new year's resolutions, and I hope to become a much better person by 2015! Wish me luck!

-Kamie

The Path Less Traveled

I've loved the idea of taking the path less traveled my whole life. I always had a sense that mine was not to be a typical road. I've felt so far that it hasn't been. But only just now has it occurred to me that in some way, we all must take the path less traveled, and those paths are all different.

There was a time in my naivete that I believed there was only ONE correct path, and I knew from the scriptures that "few there be that find it" (Matt 7:14). I've come to realize, however, that this point of view is harsh and unfair. Though there are certain checkpoints (i.e. baptism, keeping the commandments, etc.) in life that all must pass through in order to gain eternal life, everyone is unique, and we all must experience life uniquely. This means there are many paths, and more than one of them is correct. God can guide us down the path that is best for us, but that does not mean that path is right for everyone else. There is black and white, but also plenty of grey, and it's in the grey that we often find ourselves looking down (or up) our noses at someone. The God-given gift to choose for ourselves is so important.

I think what I'm trying to say is best summed up with the quote "In essentials unity, in nonessentials liberty, in all things charity." Isn't it beautiful! Maybe I'll make it one of my new year's resolutions.

I've come to realize that we should rejoice that our lives are different from others', rather than feeling competitiveness, envy, or judgementalness. Why? Most importantly, because we are all children of God, and we are all loved equally and will receive the same reward after this life if we are worthy. There is no true competition between God's children. God gives and God takes away. We cannot claim any accomplishment for ourselves, only thank God for the blessings he has given us. The true competition is within, between our worst selves and our best selves.  Second, our lives are enriched and we learn and grow by being around others who are different from us.

You're probably asking, why is she writing a post about this? Honestly, I've been going through a bit of a personal "growth-spurt", adjusting to a new city, new people, and trying to find my place in a totally different world. It's been one of those times that are just plain awkward and uncomfortable! But you've got to go through the pain before you ever see the growth (at least I'm hoping to look back and realize that I grew!), and these are the things that I've been thinking about during this time.
Now that I've got this out of my system, maybe I'll work on a Christmas post :)

-Kamie

Just Can't Put My Finger on It...

I love sitting in my comfy love seat, wrapped in a blanket and a book, staring out my back window at the kids playing in the park. I love hearing their laughs as Emma sleeps quietly upstairs. I love the rays of sunshine that sometimes creep through the glass. I love watching students, parents, the elderly woman from the retirement center down the street, and all sorts of people walk past on the trail by my apartment. I love being a part of all the life swarming around me even as I'm nestled in my warm, safe apartment.

I love when Emma practically begs me to tickle her, and I love her surprised laugh when I do. I love watching her first pile a stack of books on my lap, and then climb up and urge me to read them to her. She quickly bores of one and is on to the next, searching for puppies and babies and horses, her favorites. I love the adorable sounds of "ruff ruff" and "puppy" and "baby" that escape her lips. I giggle when I know it's nap time because Emma points to the crib and asks for her binky and her baby doll. My heart melts when after rocking, singing, or cuddling, she finally falls asleep in my arms. These moments are the moments I think I may have died and gone to heaven.

Emma reading in her favorite chair :)

She only looks like me when she's sulking haha :)

I love that there is always someone new, fun, and interesting to talk to in my ward. There are so many young couples, in fact, that I think it may take a year to have them all over if Nate and I keep our goal to have people over once a week. I love that they're all different and that I can learn a lot from them. I love game nights and playgroup and zumba. I love that I have neighbors that I not only know and like, but that I can count on when I'm in a bind. I love that Emma's new pal, Tessa, lives next door. 

She's already best buds with the Bishop :)

I love that having a super busy husband in dental school, a circumstance which some may pity, has led me to become a new, more independent person. I love that I can carry out the trash myself, open the lid to the sugar bucket myself, make and clean up dinner by myself, wash and fold the laundry myself, and take care of Emma's needs during the day, while still having time for exercise, scripture study, reading, and teaching myself piano. I love that I can usually do all this without resentment. I love that I am still growing and improving everyday even with my extremely busy schedule.

I love that the institution of marriage and family still works despite challenges, and in fact holds society together. I love that Nate makes time to watch Emma twice a week while I go to zumba. I love that we watch "Once upon a time" and eat ice cream on Monday nights. I love that we squeeze a date in on weekends between his studying and working in the lab. I love that he never complains about how hard he has it, even if I break down and complain to him. I love when he plays with Emma and they both laugh and laugh. I love having a family.

I love having my Grandpa and my uncle Joey close by for the first time in my life. I love driving on the highway at night and passing the glowing, sleepless city. It takes my breath away every time. I love all the fun activities there are to do here. I love that my beets and chard are actually growing here in the winter. I love that I went outside today without a jacket in November.

Emma and Claire, Joey's daughter :)

Hiking Camano Island, Nate showing Emma a jellyfish.

The zoo is just around the corner! Emma loves animals!

Basically, there are so many things that I love here in Seattle, that I just can't explain why I wake up each morning feeling like there's just a little something missing. I just can't put my finger on it. I've had this problem my whole life. It's like birthdays. They never actually end up being very fun because you spend so much time anticipating it and getting your hopes up. Well, maybe I had unrealistic expectations, I don't know. I do know that besides the traffic, I really have no major complaints about Seattle. I'm doing just fine. If I could change anything I would move my family and best friends a little closer, but who wouldn't?

Emma doing yoga in church :)

Love,
Kamie

I'm Wrong

Okay, so I'm about to admit to everyone that I'm not perfect. Oh wait, you already guessed that! Well, I'll tell you anyway :)

I've always been what I now call an "all or nothing" person. This means that I'm either all in something or I'm not in at all. I cannot or will not (still deciding) do something that I'm pretty positive I'll fail at, or attempt something when I can't contribute the time and energy needed to make it a complete success. You might call this a form of perfectionism. Anyways, obviously this has held me back in a lot of ways. It's also simplified my life and helped me sort out my priorities. But the point of this post is not to talk about my perfectionism. Rather it's to admit that unbeknownst to me this was affecting my view of others in a negative way. I clearly needed some humbling so the Lord opened my eyes and helped me to see.

On August 12, 2012 I became a mother. My "all or nothing" self clung to this role with a fierceness that shocked even me. I became a mama bear like no other. I began to defend motherhood and it's importance every chance I got. I felt that others who were not mothers were judging me and looking down on me and what I did, so I had to speak up! And occasionally I would judge...

And I was wrong. Not about motherhood, I have no regrets on that score. Choosing to become a mother was absolutely right for me. I was wrong in my judgements of others. My naivete led me to question others' life choices, especially if they differed from mine. That was before I met wonderful women struggling with infertility. That was before a good friend lost her unborn child at 39 weeks. That was before I realized that everyone is suffering in one way or another, and most of the time it's in ways we can't see.

Even as a child I earned a reputation for being wise. My grandma always told me I had wisdom beyond my years. Well, I don't feel wise anymore. I've spent so much time thinking I knew it all and had everyone figured out, and now I realize I know nothing!

But the Lord knows.

And what a comfort that is.

I'll never be able to truly put myself in some else's shoes, but He can.

I'll NEVER be able to judge the heart of another person, but He can.

I'll never be able to succor the weak or lift the hands that hang down without the help of a Savoir who has decended below all things and has overcome.

He has and He continues to overcome.

When first coming to Seattle, I started to feel a little bit sorry for myself. I saw families that had this or that better than me or didn't have this or that trial. But as I was diligently seeking for answers from the Lord about where I needed to take my life, I found that I was being incredibly selfish, not to mention covetous! Oh, and I was wrong (are you sensing a pattern here?). I discovered I needed to turn outwards. Nate and I have since made a goal to try to invite people into our home weekly. We've met so many awesome people, all different, and all spectacular in their own ways. I've seen more how the Lord loves each of them individually for who they are and who they can become.

The most memorable for me so far was when we had a Muslim family in our neighborhood over for dinner. We had a nice chat about religion and shared some delicious middle eastern bread they brought to share. I felt so uplifted being able to get to know them. I feel so blessed to have met some really amazing people that I would not have met had I not followed this prompting.

I also thought missionary work was too hard for me. I was wrong! I had felt prompted that I needed to step up my game in this area. I was afraid, but I prayed for missionary opportunities with real intent. Before I knew it, an opportunity was throwing itself at me! A friend of mine was chatting with a neighbor of ours who goes to a non-denominational church. She bravely started asking her questions about her church while I listened from the sidelines, shaking violently as I realized soon I would have to say something! The next thing I knew, the conversation had switched to our church and the differences between the two. Soon I was pitching in, and by the end we could feel the spirit so strongly as we testified of our beliefs. I think this helped strengthen our relationship with our neighbor as we better understood each other's beliefs. I felt so happy and excited afterwards that it made me want to have more experiences like that :)

I thought that the craziness of Nate's second year of dental school and my second year of mothering an energizer bunny would hurt our relationship and drive me crazy! I'm happy to say I was wrong! :) The moment I realized that Nate's burdens were just as heavy as mine, if not heavier, was the moment I no longer complained about doing the dishes or changing a poopy diaper. I found renewed strength to accomplish all of my duties without relying on Nate. Nate also found that he was able to organize his time and work faster so we could spend time together in the evenings. I know the Lord was helping us and will continue to help and guide us.

I'm humbled. I now know I'm pretty much wrong about everything. Oh well! I don't have to figure it out alone. One thing I know I'm not wrong about: the Lord.

-Kamie