False Premises

First of all, I want to send an apology out there into the world, and hopefully it will reach those who need to hear it. I'm sorry if I have seemed distant, unfriendly, or uninterested. I apologize for the moments when I have missed my cue, forgetting to befriend, invite, or even just comment at all during a conversation. I have learned something about myself: my social skills are the first thing to go when I'm facing even a remotely difficult trial. So please don't take any of my awkward social miffs personally.

Okay, now that that is out there, let's be frank. LIFE IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even as I type this I feel a pang of anger at myself for being so entirely pathetic! I am logically aware that this is BY FAR the best time of my life. I have so many blessings that many people spend time on their knees crying and begging God to send their way. Let me just say right now that I am aware of these blessings and am profoundly grateful for them. It is not from a LACK of blessings per se that my struggle is brought about. Perhaps it is from too many blessings, or maybe it's just life, I don't know.

I love this extremely messy little girl :)

So, why are things so hard? I'm going to face this problem broadly, starting with a false premise that has been wildly affecting my mental state and go from there.

False Premise (aka "Stuck Point"):
Life is going to be EASY at some point.

I know you are all laughing because, of course, this is not true. And yet, every night, somewhere between when Nate gets home and when I collapse on my bed in utter exhaustion, I expect some sort of miracle to occur, something that will make my body superhuman and my mind free from anxiety.

Here's a few example of how this is affecting me:

1) Over the last year I have been to the doctors several times, running tests and receiving antibiotics and on and on and on, thinking that FINALLY the doctor will actually figure out what is wrong with me! Well, they never have, and I'm suspicious that they never will, because, I'm beginning to discover, being tired and weary after a long day is NORMAL. I rolled my eyes every time a test at the doctors came back not just normal, but showing that I was actually in perfect health. If you took a picture of my blood work, you could put it in a text book as an example of what is perfectly normal. But I haven't felt healthy at all, and to me it was pretty obvious that a young, perfectly healthy woman would NOT be in pain all the time, so I kept going to the doctor. This last time it was for a cold that lasted OVER a month that I was sure was bronchitis. Again, all the doctor was willing to do was prescribe antibiotics, which worked for only the week I was on them, and then I got sick again as soon as they ran out. But one day, after getting so used to a sore throat it was almost like breathing, I realized it was gone! Two weeks later, we're on cold number two of 2014 at our house.

Maybe, instead of waiting for the day that I wake up feeling as healthy as I actually am to come, I should start living my life now. Just a thought, but not as easy as it sounds.

2) Then there's the picture of domestic bliss that I now understand is only a fantasy. Nate getting home at 5 o'clock, dinner already made and on the table, Emma obedient and NOT messy, the house cleaned and Emma in bed by 7, Nate washing the dishes....the list goes on and on. But then I realize that I don't actually NEED those things in order to be happy, and by expecting them, I am only causing myself more stress and disappointment. It's okay that we don't eat dinner till 6:30 or 7 because Nate doesn't come home till then. It's okay that Emma usually gets to bed late, and the house is a disaster when I finally have free time at night and just want to collapse on the couch. It's okay that I do the dishes despite my exhaustion and have a sore back and feet when I climb in bed, always later than I wish. That's life, and it's great!

3) Oh yeah, and then there's baby number two! Haha no I'm not pregnant. I'm referring to John Thomas (aka JT), the 8 month old baby I have been nannying lately. The first couple of days with him around were absolutely IMPOSSIBLE! But, now that I'm getting the hang of things, it's actually not so bad. He fits in quite well here with Emma and I. They have become buddies (if that's what you call Emma hugging him against his will or playing peek-a-boo with him by covering him with a blanket as he crawls around). It's also been an amazing learning experience. It's crazy how the little nuances of a baby's character can make caring for them totally different than caring for another baby. I'm learning what JT needs that is different from what Emma needs.

So, where does the false idea that life is supposed to be easy fit in here? Well, when my friend let me know her brother was looking for a nanny, and I decided that I'd give it a try, I had in my mind that it would be EASY. After all, JT is a happy, easy-going baby. I soon learned that even happy, easy-going babies have a hard time adjusting to a change in caretaker. He was pretty fussy with me at first, but is doing better the longer he is with us. Happy, easy-going babies also have their faults (if a baby can have faults). JT's is that he is naturally a bad sleeper who has never been sleep trained. Yikes! That happens to be the part of parenting (so far) that was HARDEST for me with Emma. Now, contrary to my instincts, I rock JT to sleep with a bottle till he is dead asleep, then put him down. If he wakes up in the middle of his nap, I have to hold him for the rest of the nap because he can't sleep on his own. This is definitely the most difficult part for me. I just wish he could sleep independently! Anyways, I realize that might not be a trial for everyone, but it has been for me, especially since I still have Emma to care for and can't always be holding a sleeping baby.

Isn't he cute! He really is a happy, easy-going baby :)

Overall, the nanny experience has been good, and an answer to our prayers. Hopefully it will continue to work out in the future :)

4) DENTAL SCHOOL is THE WORST!!!!!!!!!! The infamous second year of dental school, though over in a week, has finally gotten to us. Nate was explaining to me what a day in his life is like, and it finally hit me just how much pressure he is under. I feel so terrible for ever complaining about having to take the garbage out myself! He has a week left with about 15 finals to take between now and then. Wish him luck (or pray)! I'm just going to accept that this week is going to be TERRIBLE, and move on. No crying about what I can't change.

Speaking of terrible! The last twenty-four hours have been insane! Last night, our washer flooded the laundry room, hallway, and kitchen. Nate desperately needed to study for his final today, but instead spent time sweeping the water out the front door. Luckily, we had several neighbors come to our aid. Two hours later, the floor was mostly dry, and Nate was able to go back to studying.

This morning, they came by to clean the carpets in the hallway that flooded. It turns out they parked the truck too close to my front door, and the house filled with carbon monoxide. During our morning nap, an extremely annoying alarm went off: the CO detector. I grabbed the two sleeping babies and ran barefoot out the backdoor. We sat at the playground for a little bit while I figured out what to do. I told the office about the alarm, they sent someone over, and gave us the all clear to go back inside. During the initial shock of the moment, I started to feel woozy, and because I didn't know anything at all about CO, I really thought I was going to die. I'm still here though!

I'm really tempted to be angry that all these bad things have happened, on top of us all, including JT, getting colds, and all during the worst round of finals we will EVER experience. We have prayed and prayed and asked for miracles. At this point, I think the miracle will be surviving this week. Pray for us!

Well, I'm not going to pretend that I've totally overcome this false premise that life is supposed to be easy, but by being aware of it, and being more realistic in what I expect from life, I am amazed at what I am able to accomplish or endure despite the less than perfect conditions life throws at me. Life is hard. Duh!

Now, I know all my family is wanting an update about Emma, so here it is.

Emma is a toddler. I thought my little angel would never tell me "no," would never hit another child, and would never throw food across the room, but she does. All that and all the other things toddlers do when they're frustrated. But, like everything else, this is normal, and I'm learning it's not so bad. She is also adorable at times, and most of the time she is endearing.

She had to have her snack on the floor

Sassing daddy

Still wants to be the baby, especially since JT has been around

Some of my favorite things that she does:
-Crawls up into her little chair with a stack of books and reads to herself. I struggle to get her to let me read to her, but I figure her looking at books still counts as reading.
-At the playground, she climbs the stairs, heads to the slide, flies down it, lands hard on her bum, and gets right back up. She is so tough!
-She gets jealous when I feed JT in her high chair, so now she wants to be in the high chair a lot more often. She colors in there, eats, watches a movie, or just hangs out with her baby doll.
-WORDS! Oh my goodness she is saying so many new words! I can't remember them all, but here's a few: cookie, cracker, up, outside, bird, bee, moo, choo choo, soft (sign), bawk bawk (chicken), sorry (sign), key, fishy, water (sounds more like bottle), pop pop (popcorn), bubbles, shoe, neigh (horse), etc.
-When we are outside, she always recognizes the sound of an airplane and points up to the sky at it.
-She loves stacking her blocks now, and sometimes she'll line them all up in a row and say "choo choo."
-Occasionally, her and JT will just stare at each other and laugh for a long time. It's really cute.
-This one is not so fun, but she all of a sudden likes baby food now that she sees JT eating it.
-She's obsessed with keys. She knows how to get them into the lock in our bathroom door, and she sometimes gets them stuck. Then she'll come to me, sign help, and I'll get them out for her. Sometimes this goes on for awhile.
-All day long she says "daddy" and "Tessa," her two favorite people (besides mommy).
-When she knows JT is sleeping, she'll sneak upstairs into my room and peak on him, saying "baby" over and over again until I take her out.

Trip to the Zoo!

My Valentine :)

Trying to get her to pet the puppies. She wasn't into it. 

Playdate!

Museum of Flight

Best pals!

At the park taking advantage of the sunny day :)

Me, I've been up to my neck in hobbies. I finally started writing a novel, and I've been reading a ton of books as well. During the week I usually go to playgroup, book club (monthly), writing club, walking group, zumba, and now I'm training for a 5k. On a really good day, I get a workout and shower in in the morning, and then have time to write or read while the kiddos nap. The last couple of days here have been sunny, and we've spent a lot of time outside. It's mid-March and today almost seems like summer! I have high hopes for the coming months :)

Here's my little potted garden of beets and chard. It's looking great!

We're headed to Utah next week! Yay!!!!!!!!!!! :)

-Kamie

The End, the Beginning, and George Bailey

Being my typical "still trying to figure this mom thing out" self, it usually takes me a week to get around to the "not-essential for survival" things on my to-do list, most of the time longer than that. So forgive my delay on this post. Here's the low-down on our Christmas this year.

Nate had an awesomely long three and a half week break! This was much needed after a pretty tiring and difficult semester! We hung out in Seattle for a week, relaxing, catching up on things that needed done, and hanging out with friends. Then we took off for Tri-Cities, which is where Nate's parents now live.

Cool lights in Seattle :)

We had a blast with Nate's parents! Emma just couldn't get enough of her Grandparents! I was glad to see her so happy. I was also glad that I had been able to spend two weeks with my family over Thanksgiving, and that she had been able to bond with my family then. It's hard not getting to see my family as often, but the visit over Thanksgiving helped make up for lost time there. And, as a side note, the mishap of missing my flight during the snowstorm in Utah ended up costing us only $28.53! That was literally a miracle since Alaska Airlines was going to charge me $300 just to take the next flight! And I got to spend more time with my family. And Emma and I survived two flights by ourselves with some stress but little damage done. So, if you're wondering if miracles still happen, they do :)

Utah snow storm

My little traveler :)

Back to Christmas. It was different being in a new city for the holidays. We weren't quite sure what to do with all our free time! But we found a few fun things to do, including visiting Santa (but not actually sitting on his lap because they charged $10 for that!), watching "Frozen" and a couple other movies, visiting the temple while we had free babysitters around, going on walks, and bowling. Mostly we just hung out at home watching movies or playing games together. My favorite part was getting to chat with family. I felt like we grew a lot closer to Nate's parents just by talking! Who knew, me, the quiet one, could value talking so much? Well, apparently it's one of my love languages, and lucky for me, I'm getting better at speaking it with family and friends.

Beaver Bark amazing Christmas trees.

Emma likes Santa from this distance :)

Real reindeer!

Christmas was great, but I'm starting to feel the magic wear off as I get older. Instead of excitement when I open presents, I feel a little guilt. I know I'm already entirely too blessed, and now I'm getting even more? I still feel a little guilty, but I'm trying to turn that into motivation to be more generous and more willing to help others. It's also a good reminder that we need to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. Sylvia, my mother-in-law, and I were trying to get everyone excited for all the Christmas traditions, such as acting out the nativity, doing acts of service, reading Christmas stories, etc., but I guess everyone else was not that into it this year. I soooo need those things during Christmas in order to feel the real Christmas Spirit! I crave that spirit and the happiness it brings!

The most exciting part of Christmas day was watching Emma open and fall in love with her new toys. There is something so innocent and beautiful about a child discovering the world and filling it up with excitement. She loves her new baby doll with the matching stroller and blanket. She loves her Emma-sized vacuum and her Buzz Lightyear scooter. She loves everything, and I love the world I get to see because of her. Everyday when she wakes up from her nap, shes runs around excitedly, giggling and dancing and climbing all over things. Everyday she climbs up on my bed, reads a handful of books, and then begs me to tickle her. How can anyone be unhappy when they hear the sweetest toddler giggles everyday? She's so full of joy, and I can't help but be completely in love with her.

The cutest thing ever was Emma tearing the paper on the presents and then patiently handing me the torn pieces before she continued opening! She is trying to be tidy like her mamma :)

Speaking of love, I really need to talk about how awesome Nate is. The break was so good for us and our relationship. He took time to talk and listen, take me on dates, and even sat through some Christmas traditions that I forced on him. One of those was watching "It's a Wonderful Life," which thanks to my wonderful Gramzee, is a tradition for me. For those of you who don't know it, it's about a man, George Bailey, who has hopes and dreams, but when faced with the choice between following them and doing the right thing, he chooses to do the right thing. He lives a life in which he lives for others. One day, in a moment when things get really tough for him, an angel comes and shows him what the world would be like if he had never been born. George sees a dark and sad world, where many of the people he loves suffer greatly. He then realizes how the life he felt had been unfulfilled and futile was actually a life of great purpose and happiness. He was blessed to be able to see what the world would have been like without him, to see what impact his life had had on the world.

WOW! I, of course, bawled my eyes out (like I do every year), and Nate's eyes even got a little red, which is about as close as he comes to crying. It dawned on me that there are times when I feel just like George Bailey! He always did the right thing, regardless of the personal consequences. I try to do the same. The world never remembered, celebrated, or loved George Bailey. He never got any awards, any money, or any fame. I think it's fair to say the same about me. HOWEVER, when it came down to it, HIS LIFE MATTERED! And HE WAS LOVED!!!!! I guess I needed that reminder. There are days when I truly wonder if anyone (aside from Nate and Emma) would even notice if I disappeared off the face of the planet. Especially since moving to Seattle, I've become aware that there is no role as important and simultaneously as uncelebrated as the role of the "stay at home" wife and mom.  I will never receive awards or praise for my endless efforts, but that's not the point. It's just not the point! "It's a Wonderful Life" gets the point across loud and clear. The difference you make will probably never be known to you in this life, but you are making a difference! So, whatever your difference is, make it a good one :) What a great realization heading into a new year!

We had a fun New Year's. We went bowling with Nate's sister and her husband and his dad. Nate and his dad bowled amazingly well and we all had a great time. When we got home, I refused to let the clock strike twelve without some sparkling cider, a kiss, and of course jumping up and down and dancing on the couch with Emma (I guess she decided she didn't want to miss it so she woke up right before midnight). I made Nate get up and dance with us, and I think that was the highlight for me, all of us dancing together and being total dorks. I'm a sucker for tradition, and I hate to let a holiday pass by without a little celebration, no matter how silly.

Pretty awesome game for Nate. I did break 100 the second game!

Lastly, some updates on our family in the new year.

Nate has handled his rigorous school schedule with amazing diligence and courage. Sometimes I forget just how difficult it must be for him because he never complains! Everyone told us the second year of dental school was the worst, and honestly, though it has been tough, I'm so grateful that Nate has his priorities straight and has still made an effort to keep our family strong and happy. I'm so glad that he chose general dentistry over specializing, or else he would have to put in so much more in order to stay top in his class. He is really good about having an eternal perspective in school. He knows he is there to learn and be his best self, not to try to be better than everyone else. That would be exhausting because everyone in dental school is really smart and talented. He reminds me constantly that it is no use comparing ourselves to others, but that we need to compare ourselves today against who we were yesterday. Hopefully we are better today. I am so proud of him and am so looking forward to the end of March when the hard part of his schooling is over.

Emma is advancing in leaps and bounds. She picks up a few words and a sign every week or so. She understands almost everything I say. She is almost always cheerful and can put a smile on anyone's face. She has three molars now and one more on the way. In the last couple of days, she has started having more attitude. She has perfected her scowl, and sometimes she will just scowl for hours with no response to my efforts to cheer her up. It must be teething or a growth spurt, or perhaps just a normal "emotional" phase that toddlers go through. It has been pretty humorous for me, but I hope it doesn't last forever! I much prefer my giggly baby! Weaning has gone amazingly well, and we are down to one feeding a day in the morning, which keeps us both happy. Emma has been going to nursery for a couple weeks now for part of our church meetings. She is loving it so far and I really hope it will be an easy transition for her. She has grown to love reading, and will even cuddle up in a chair or on my bed and read by herself. She is making progress towards sleeping through the night, though teething continuously tries to unravel any progress! I can't complain because she is an awesome napper and still takes a morning and an afternoon nap, which makes my life so much easier!

Mom's worst nightmare!

I got a bow in her little tuft of hair! One day she will have long locks haha :)

Emma feeding herself at her new table. She is using a spoon and drinking out of a cup on her own now!

Rockin the outfit from Gramzee

Here's a list of the recent words/signs she has said at least a couple of times: Mommy, daddy, puppy, baby, candy, Santa, kitty, bath, banana, no, yuck (which actually sounds like a growl), hot (with the sign), please (sign), help (sign), and I'm sure there's more that I can't remember. We are working on the signs for sorry" and "thank you," but she hasn't done them yet. "Mommy" is the current favorite word, "No" the second! She knows that the stove and her food are hot, and that the dirty diaper, the trash, and the toilet are yuck. She also learned to say "Tessa," the name of her best pal that lives next door. She is also learning all sorts of animal sounds.

Emma and Tessa

Emma and Luke

One or her hobbies is clipping the strap of her baby stroller, but she can't unclip it by herself, so she'll bring it to me and sign "help" and I'll unclip it for her. Sometimes this goes on for awhile haha. We are so proud of her!

Co-trouble makers!

Then I suppose there's me. I told myself that these months were going to be a time for me to gather my strength after an exhausting year and to work on some personal goals of mine. I have been battling recurrent sinus infections and have steadily been mysteriously losing weight all year, so I decided I needed to take a break and try to get healthier. Aside from getting plenty of rest, I have been teaching myself piano, and so far I can play most of the hymns in the easy hymn book with the top hand. I have started working on the lower hand, but it is blowing my mind! Music has really become an escape for me, and though I regret not developing this talent sooner, I'm not going to let that stop me from at least making some progress now, even if it is difficult and slow.

I have been reading like crazy. I almost forgot how much I loved to read in my overwhelming college years, but now that I'm not forced to read hundreds of pages for homework, I am finding joy in reading again. My favorite books are the ones that grab your soul and force you to look at the truth, which hopefully inspires you to change. I just finished "Between Shades of Gray" (NOT "Fifty Shades of Gray") by Ruta Sepetys. Wow! It was mind blowing and I really recommend it.

I've also found joy in exercise. My favorite Christmas present is my new elliptical. We got it on craigslist for really cheap and now I have no excuse not to exercise. It is the best piece of equipment ever, and makes being a mom and being fit totally possible. Thanks honey for going through all the trouble to get me my elliptical! Also, there are free zumba classes at my apartment community center, and they are so fun! I forget I'm exercising because they are so fun! I've also been walking the three mile loop around Green Lake with friends. Yay for trying to be healthy and having fun at the same time! No boring running for me! (No offense if running is your thing haha). Hopefully I'll be good as new in no time :)

Here's my mini garden which is miraculously surviving without much help from me. I thought it was toast after the frost this year (is that an oxymoron?), but here it is, still alive!

Nate's parents visited this weekend and we rode the ducks! We had a blast :)

I've got a generously long list of new year's resolutions, and I hope to become a much better person by 2015! Wish me luck!

-Kamie

The Path Less Traveled

I've loved the idea of taking the path less traveled my whole life. I always had a sense that mine was not to be a typical road. I've felt so far that it hasn't been. But only just now has it occurred to me that in some way, we all must take the path less traveled, and those paths are all different.

There was a time in my naivete that I believed there was only ONE correct path, and I knew from the scriptures that "few there be that find it" (Matt 7:14). I've come to realize, however, that this point of view is harsh and unfair. Though there are certain checkpoints (i.e. baptism, keeping the commandments, etc.) in life that all must pass through in order to gain eternal life, everyone is unique, and we all must experience life uniquely. This means there are many paths, and more than one of them is correct. God can guide us down the path that is best for us, but that does not mean that path is right for everyone else. There is black and white, but also plenty of grey, and it's in the grey that we often find ourselves looking down (or up) our noses at someone. The God-given gift to choose for ourselves is so important.

I think what I'm trying to say is best summed up with the quote "In essentials unity, in nonessentials liberty, in all things charity." Isn't it beautiful! Maybe I'll make it one of my new year's resolutions.

I've come to realize that we should rejoice that our lives are different from others', rather than feeling competitiveness, envy, or judgementalness. Why? Most importantly, because we are all children of God, and we are all loved equally and will receive the same reward after this life if we are worthy. There is no true competition between God's children. God gives and God takes away. We cannot claim any accomplishment for ourselves, only thank God for the blessings he has given us. The true competition is within, between our worst selves and our best selves.  Second, our lives are enriched and we learn and grow by being around others who are different from us.

You're probably asking, why is she writing a post about this? Honestly, I've been going through a bit of a personal "growth-spurt", adjusting to a new city, new people, and trying to find my place in a totally different world. It's been one of those times that are just plain awkward and uncomfortable! But you've got to go through the pain before you ever see the growth (at least I'm hoping to look back and realize that I grew!), and these are the things that I've been thinking about during this time.
Now that I've got this out of my system, maybe I'll work on a Christmas post :)

-Kamie